movement

nothing is still. it's amazing to me that everything that is, is moving. our cells or atoms or whatevers are bouncing off the walls, like my mind in my 4 hour class or my leg when i sit too long. at the start of this past summer i wanted to stay in salem for a year, but i didn't, and i can't imagine wanting to be there, while it's a place i love, it's not what i want right now. maybe later. when that would be progression. i feel like life is a river. movement. and a river can move forward, can be healthy, can be swift and deep, with direction and a purpose, or in contrast to that, it can be still, flooding where it should not be flooding, not moving in any direction in particular, but just kind of floating along. i see people i know that are like both. sometimes i wonder which i am. i know that i go back and forth, but over all i feel like i have direction, however, most of me just wants to take the easy way and flood, but you and i where not made for this.

i feel like i'm watching people drowned and they have no idea.

i am ashamed by my shortcomings, by my failures.

kings are done

don't drink coffee, and then a huge soda right before you want to go to bed. it would have been so nice to fall asleep before midnight.

i finished my outline of kings today. it was by far the hardest single school assignment i've ever done in my life. i learned a lot tho. i feel like i'll always know the book of kings pretty dang well. note to self, don't be like jeroboam or ahab, be like david and josiah. i find it interesting that my friend josiah stumbo is just like josiah king of judah. the story is found in 2nd kings 22-23, if you know him, read it.
okay i'm just gonna bullet point a few sweet lessons i learned
1) solomon's wealth was in direct condradiction to the torah
2) the kings main downfall, the sin that they are always being rebuked by the prophets for is idolitry. josiah is the first king, and the is like third to the last king before the exile, to actually remove all the places of worship from Judah. and here's where i see a corilation to my own life, even the good kings in the book of kings don't tear down all the places of worship for false gods, they never go all the ways in removing temptation, even if they themselves don't fall into that sin. josiah is so rad because he totally rips that crap down, things that had been up since the first king after solomon (that's a lotta years). we should be serious about removing sin entirely from our lives. this is not, however, the point of the book of kings, its just a cute sunday school lesson
3) the kings that aline themselves with the prophets, who act as G-d's word, are good
4) as the king goes, so goes the people.
a. who is my king?
b. in what way does he go?

well, a: jesus, and b: perfect

kings in cool. i should post my outline on here, not that it's great, but it was fun to do

owned!

i've been super busy with homework this past week, this weekend will be even harder, the next week will be tough, but after that, it'll get a lot better. i'm working on a kings outline (meaning, i'm outlining the books of 1st and 2nd kings, they're in the bible, sucka!), and it's a ton of work, but i feel like i'm learning a lot. i've never done an outline in my life, so this is good for me. kinda like the 1st time you go jogging in months, you know it's good for you, but it kicks your butt. kings kicks my butt. yeah, i think i'm funny, it's true.

i need to stop spending money on coffee and food. that's dumb.

i bought a copy of the Koran, and a book about "sufism", because i know nothing about islam, and that's kind of a big deal. nine bucks! powell's is super.

it's been a pretty rad week of hanging out and getting to know different people. i feel like i like this school better than last year. classes are starting to get the best of me, and i just need to do my work, but it's been good as far as community goes.

my roommate is super rad. other than chaz, i've never liked living with anyone as much as i like rooming with scott. at i don't think scott is going to move out after a month (it's been longer than that already and if so, i don't have to pay extra for my own room).


peace.
be still.

sometimes i wish i wouldn't write things so late at night.

today at school was our day of outreach. i went to a christian high school and picked up rocks and weeds. it was interesting.

reasons why i am a bastard

(one am, didn't proof read, sorry!)


i have an amazing group of friends. i do, i have some of the greatest friends in the world. generally i hang out with about the same 5 or 6 guys, bryn, chaz, javier, grant, andrew, sometimes josiah, but this really has nothing to do with him, he's solid as a true thug for christ. i think that in some ways i'm a bit of a leader of "the group". i have influence on my friends (they have influence on me for sure, but for the point of my story, this is ME time). i feel like i've been the first to do a lot of dumb stuff in the group, making things that shouldn't really be okay, just fine and normal. i was the first to smoke, and i swore this was okay! then came cussing, it's not that big of a deal, i mean, shit, it's just words calm down. lets see, south park, i know grant dug this show, but i got us all watching it a lot. this one seems odd, but when you watch multiple episodes aday you will understand the effect it has on you. i was one of the first to be pretty immoral with a girlfriend in a physical sense, but i hid this on up well, and for a long time. now, i can see how i got my friends into a lot of these things. it wasn't anything sinister on my part, but it was just me living and doing what i wanted and being close to these guys, a lot of us got in to at least some of these things. i wonder if i had taken a strong stand on all these issues, if my brothers would be better off for it. instead of watching south park, what if i had hated sin, like josiah told me to, instead of drinking with chaz and grant, even just a few beers, in the apartment this summer, i'd run and encouraged them to do the same? i could have a lot of what if's at this point in my story, but here's the kicker of the whole sha-bang: i have, you have, influence over people. i could have gone about the from the other end, titled it "reasons why i am awesome" and talked about the times i've taken moral stances, been encouraging, taught others to flee sin, shown love, whatever, becauce i've done this all well and it's been good for me as well as for others, but i think the weight of our sin needs to be understood. sin equals death, the bible tells me so. so, think about how your life is seen by all. most people know or have an idea of your beliefs, so if you want to fuck around, get new beliefs. no not really, just don't fuck around.

us guys are rad. we all love G-d. we all want his will to be done. we all come before him. i love my friends. i hope they don't mind me making an open example of them like this (no one really reads this anyhow). but how much further could we be if we'd never gone into whatever sins. i'm not responsible for anyone's life but my own ( i don't think, i could be wrong.), but i can use my life and my influence for Christ or Satan. two choices.

man, i should have never called darkness light. oops!

i think it's very important to be open about you life, and your sin even. believers need to be real with one another. the master we serve knows us entirely, all will be made plain. if we're open now, we can be changed. it's a sweet deal.

in the book of samuel, Saul sins. David sins. However, G-d seems to reject saul because he defends his sin when confronted, david repents. G-d tells david that Christ himself will come from his line. saul and his family die.

shitfaced

a few nights ago i was on facebook looking an a friends recently posted photo album. it was pretty much just pictures of this person and their friends drinking. tonight i talked with a friend about our experiences with alcohol. yesterday i talked to andrew about when i turn 21. i've been drunk before, like totally gone, vomit on myself shitfaced (opps). i can't express how this all saddens me. believers, myself being one of them, pursuing things like alcohol and desires of the flesh over G-d's ways. what bastards we all are. i hate that there have been times i've been okay with this. i wish my friends would harshly rebuke me for these things, and that we'd rebuke eachother for our lies, but generally we don't want to offend, so we let one another slip into our drunken nights and out of life. i'm reading kings. solomon's heart is turned from G-d. it didn't happen in a day. it was slow i'd guess. he had many wives, and he turned to their gods, and his "heart was not wholly devoted to the Lord", and he lost his kingdom.

someone make us afraid of what we've become.

school

school started about a month ago, so this is just about that time when i start getting tired of school. the glamor of bible college is wearing off. i'm still glad to be here, however going to classes everyday and work and the repetition of college life is getting to me. my gosh i have to read so frig'n much this term! i like to read. but this is just too much bible/theology stuff and i'm tired. i miss salem a bit, but it'd be lame to be there all the time. most everyone is gone, which is why salem is so rad.

i feel like i've been learning a lot tho. i'm just bored right now. it's saturday night and i have a ton of homework to do this weekend, but i don't wanna! i want to smoke and walk around in the cold weather, but i'm not going to break contract (i could just walk i guess, but without nicotine, it's not the same).

andrew's band is playing in salem and i'm sad i can't go. i haven't seen them in a long time, and they're rad live.

i went to tennessee a few weeks ago to see dylan before he went to iraq. that was nice. it was interesting to be in nashville after a few years absents and having lived in portland. i used to think i'd like living in the south, but after having been in the epic city of portland, that just isn't the case any more. northwest till death. or G-d's leading some other place. i had a good talk with my grandfather about spiritual matters. i like him a lot, he's got some cool things to say, but i feel like (and my mom has given me this impression of him) i can't take what he says as all good. he's got a weird, old person, slant to his veiws. i wish i had had a better spiritual leader in my life than i did have. mom and dad were both good, but never great, never the kind of spiritual leader i want to be to my children. i wonder if dylan would care more about christ if we had had that. it doesn't really matter now i guess. he's going to be in iraq for 15 months, unless the US pulls out or something like that. i'm going to miss him, i hate knowing that he's there and i can't do anything about it. i pray that G-d will protect him.

gosh i don't want to do all the homework! it's so strange to have to do bible stuff as homework. it feels like a chore, and that is no good, but i've still goes huge assignments with deadlines.

"when the bridegroom comes, there will be noise, there will be joy". refelctions from the wedding of bryn and aubrey

the last post i wrote was more of the factucal side of bryns wedding, this post will be a bit more reflective. the last one was rather boring.

bryns wedding was one of the best days of my life. it was great. i've had the analogy of the church and christ running thru my mind like none other these past few weeks. i keep listening to sufjan stevens' "Vito's Ordination Song". i love how we, the church, are the bride to the bridgegroom christ. how one day we will become one with christ the way bryn and aubrey became one last saturday. i felt so happy the whole time. not for a moment did i wish it was me getting married, did i feel jealous of bryn, or sad that i wasn't the center of attention. now i say that because that is how i will feel in the presents of G-d, when christ comes in glory, i won't feel anything but intense joy, like i felt for bryn, but so much stronger. (may he come soon!) my love for G-d has grown for true since the wedding, because i see him and my relation to him, in a new light. my understanding of my place is different. it was great being the best man because i was able to be fully involved in everything, even be able to speak my mind in front of all the guest about their marriage for about five minutes, to be as close to the couple as possible without actually mattering. i felt like i was, in a way, a servant. that i was small and, when it came to it, unimportant, but also fully invited and that my presents was wanted there in that place, in that moment. that moment could have taken place with or without me. this is my place in christ. i don't matter, i am small and unimportant, yet loved and desired, but not the center. it's a very freeing realization to make. it makes me desire to be that servant, christ tells me that is who i should be, and i want to be that. the wedding hit that home for me. may i become less, so he can become greater!

on a slightly different note, it was great being around bryns folks, all the older generation, because we, the groomsmen, where treated as equals, we weren't kids any more. when you grow up knowing people as adults and yourself as a child, it's rad to acecpted as an adult, and about frig'n time! we were asked to do adult things and were expected to be grown up, yet still encouraged to have fun with the whole event. i remember always being slightly intimated by bryns dad when i was younger (never on perpose!), he has a stern air about him sometimes, but i loved being around him, and joking with him, watching him watch his son get married. i loved seeing my dad there too, it meant a lot to me that he came. i was sad that my mom didn't go, but i could see why she thought it would have been awkward. this again stresses the importance of marriage.

i felt proud of who i was that day. bryns best man. walking around in a tux with the groomsmen, who are, coincidentally, my best friends (lacking andrew tho). it was fun knowing people looked at us and knew who we were without knowing us as individual people. i liked shouting "groomsmen assemble" and we'd all come together. i liked being a sort of a leader among the groomsmen. i liked making the toast. all this reminds me of my relationship to christ. in him, i know who i am, being a part of the groomsmen who can be likened to the church, and you can carry this further with my calling and desire to be a leader in the church like my roll as bestman, which gave me a leader roll in a few ways in the wedding and with the batloure party. we were known as groomsmen by our tuxes, our wedding clothes, and as a christian i should be known as a follower by my love, and i like the idea that love can be as visibly a sign as my identity in christ as my tux made it clear i was in the wedding.

the slow walk down the aisle with all the groomsmen with their corresponding bridesmaids reminds me of the excitement of the marriage of christ to his church. it's been a long time since the engagement, and it might be longer yet, but that marriage is coming. i wonder if it's more of christ waiting for us than us waiting for me. there is nothing holding G-d back from us, i don't think (i could fully be wrong, i'm just spitting out thoughts), but we have to prepare ourself the church, walk our aisle, before our marriage to the groom. i like that the bride spent time making herself look as beautiful as possible for her husband before she was given to him.

i like that bryn never chased after girls. he didn't date around. he wasn't always thinking about girls as possibilities. yet he got married first of all the guys group guys (an accountability group i was in with a lot of my closed brothers in high school days). in fact i can't really recall bryn talking about which girls he liked back in the pre-aubrey days, there were a few i suppose but he always seemed very content with being single and waiting of what G-d had for him. now he was a wife. everyone says he's real young to get married, but he's not young, he's a full grown man. i admirer bryn in so many ways. paul tells wives to love their husbands and i highly doubt that this will be a problem for aubrey, i mean sure bryn can be a bit goofy, but he's fully dedicated to christ, and he's disciplined in his pursuit of the Lord.

one day we will be with G-d and all these analogies we have will be stripped away, and it will just be us and Him. it will be the real thing. that will be the greatest moment.



Sufjan Stevens - Vito's Ordination Song
" i always knew you
in your mothers arms
i have called your name
i have an idea
placed in your mind
to be a better man
ive made a crown for you
put it in your room
and when the bride groom comes
there will be noise
there will be glad
and a perfect bed
and when you write a poem
i know the words
i know the sounds
before you write it down
only wear your clothes
i wear them too
i wear your shoes
and your jacket too
i always knew you
in your mothers arms
i have called you son
ive made amends
we should be father and son
or if you havent one
rest in my arms
sleep in my bed
there is a design
to what i did and said"

a wedding

one week from yesterday, my best friend bryn, got married. it was one of the most beautiful days i can remember. on thursday we had the bachelor party, which was a great deal of fun. it was a good last day with bryn for true. we went to three pools and swam, had dinner, ducked-taped him to a chair and slapped him around with fishes, smoked mega-rad cigars, and played poker. the next day was the rehearsal. it was fun. but then came the wedding day itself. i woke up at eight. put on jeans and a tee-shirt. went to breakfast with some of the other groomsmen, we all pierced our lips the week before so we had, and most of us still do have, matching lip rings. at noon we, chaz, jav, josiah and myself, got to the wedding which was just outside of willsonville. bryn showed up shortly after and we all changed into our tuxs. we looked damn fine. we went down from our changing room and hung out and had our picture taken for a few hours before the wedding ceremony started. friends showed up. my dad came too. we seated some of the guests, mostly the older folks, then got ready for the service itself to start. first bryce walked with his bridesmaid, then josiah, then grant, then javier, then chaz, then yours truly. bryn looked a bit nervous as he stood up front with only the pastor with him, but also proud. he was ready to get married, he is a man of G-d, and he loves G-d and his wife a great deal. john stumbo was standing behind bryn. then came the ringer barer and flower girl. then aubrey came, and she looked beautiful. when i saw her earlier while we were all taking pictures i almost teared up, but i didn't, and then i killed a bear, which is what men do. anyhow, the bride and her father walked down the aisle and don gave his daughter to be given in marriage to bryn. john said some words, they lit a candle for oneness or something weird, then all the groomsmen said a short prayer, and john closed in prayer, they did the vows and pastor stumbo pronounced them husband and wife, and bryn kissed aubrey. we all walked back down the aisle and this time, bryn and aubrey were married. a nice little walk.
the reception was nice. the music, which aubs pop chose, was terrible. they cut the cake and i made my best man toast. i read it off my ipod because my printer wasn't working, which was pretty funny. it was fun to be a part of everything. grant made a toast after mine which was quite funny. the newlyweds danced. then we all danced. things died down, people left. as bryn and his wife were preparing to leave, it was discovered that bryn had lost the car keys and it took twenty minutes to find. the left for their honeymoon. then, we left. it was a good day.

the moon

okay, here's the deal. i was looking at the moon while i was delivering a pizza yesterday and was awe struck by all the lovely correlations of the moon and me, seeing G-d's ways shown thru nature. here is what i was thinking: the moon gives light to a dark world, but the moon does not make it's own light, it just reflects the light of the sun, when he sun is not physically present. the sun never goes away, the world just turns it's back to the sun, but the moon can show the back-turned world the light even when it's after dusk! and if you look closely enough at the moon you will see imperfections and faults, it's got a messed up surface, and sometimes it'll only show a little bit of light, and ever once in a great while, the moon runs entirely out of out light itself, this is probably caused by fear and doubt, but DO NOT BE AFRAID! i was told this many times, but sometimes i just get so afraid that i hide away from the world and the sun and am alone hoping to find some peace of mind, but i am worthless without the sun's light, it's what i'm for.


this is all pretty obvious and basic, but:
key:
moon - christians/church
sun - Jesus
world- world
light - Jesus' way, love, hope, grace, etc! fruit of spirit and such

third annual coffee and sweater walk

for the past three years, bryn and i put on sweaters, make coffee and walk all night. it started the summer after i had finished high school and we decided to make coffee and walk around in our sweaters, and we just ended up walking all night and watching the sun rise from a hill up in west salem. then the next year, we did it all over again, this time with a thermos so we could have hot coffee for the journey. that was the saddest of the three because it was the night before bryn went away to college and was the last time we were going to see each other for many months. like the year before and the year to follow we talked about everything on our minds, deep stuff, spiritual thoughts and struggles, girls, friends, family, arrested development, middle school. the second annual coffee and sweater walked ended with bryn and i hugging and crying, feeling that we'd never be close again and that our friendship would not be the same. i'm glad to say we were wrong. we don't see each other much during the school year, bryn being in saint paul, but we're still very close. this year on the walk, we went from bryns house across the railroad bridge, bryns first time doing so, to dunkin donuts, back to west salem thru river front park, up eola, to the high school, then back to bryns. this was the first year it was cloudy so we couldn't watch the sun rise, but it was nice to see the clouds get a lighter grey. this year we talked about him getting marriage, which i'm so happy for him, them, it's such a rad thing that G-d has blessed him in that way. it's 13 days from now and he will be a married bryn! we also spoke of most things going on in our lives. he's a very good person to talk to, if you haven't gotten the chance to have a "heart to heart" with him, it's something i'd recommend.

anyhow, it's a rad time and i can't wait for the fourth annual!

don't know what to do with you

i keep thinking about who jesus is. so much of the time i make him into me, or what i think he should be. i mean, come on! jesus is so damn awkward, and none of us know what to do with him really. he says such strange things, i don't know how to react. there are times when i read the bible and i just kinda wish that that part wasn't in there. i wonder how much do i want the truth of christ over my wants. it's stange game of having to very strong and very distinct desires, one being selfish and of the flesh, and the other being christ in me, and that small part of me that is made in G-d's image that wants only good. these guys fight like none other. sometimes i wish it was easy and that jesus was who i made him out to be, but then i know that is no good at all and that desire is as brief as a vapor, jesus being jesus is much better than anything else, and i think if people really looked into who they are meant to be, looking past pride and sin and such and such, we'd all want jesus to be himself. there are days when i don't believe this at all (see d.w.'s "mockingbird").
bryn and i were talking about trying to live simply because we both feel that jesus wants this of us, and we listed a bunch of things we do, and what we have and what is and what isn't okay, and i think we realized that jesus wouldn't have us knit-pick our lives, but if we are living in the spirit of love and humility, or just simply G-d's spirit and it's fruit, we would be just fine, not indulging our selfish desires of worthless and false things, but living in G-d's spirit is very hard. no wonder the jewish leaders of Christ's day had turned the bit of law G-d gave them into hundreds more laws because laws are easier and more tangible than, say, spirit fruit. last night as i was in bed, i was thinking about how it's seems to be a good test of if a person is genuine in their convictions if they have a lot of wealth. i look at people, such as the author of "your best life now", who calm the name of Christ, but use than name to pursue money, mammon, which jesus said you cannot do. anyhow, i was in bed and i just thought about how free we are made from all this madness, this wealth, this chasing after money. it made me very happy to know that i don't have to deal with all that, if i my shoes have holes in them for the rest of my life then that's just fine, i am still loved and that's what matters.

i decided that i really like my .rejoice. tattoo.

i'm tired of hearing about how drinking is the shit. it's really not.

become a fruit

it's just past midnight and i am at my moms house. i went outside to get somethings outta my car because i'm spending the night here, and i was struck by how nice it felt to be outside this late and only in shorts. i wanted to walk around the lake like that, just shorts, no shoes or shirt, and i remembered all the times in the cold months, about a year and a half ago, i'd walk around the lake in my coat smoking, thinking, and listening to music, usually this one bright eyes song that i hardly ever listen to when i'm not walking around the lake, but in all those cold months i remember being depressed. tonight felt different and i'm struck by how it's like the situation has changed, it's warm, i'm not hiding behind all those clothes, and i feel joy. it doesn't have anything to do with some kind of seasonal depression, but rather how i feel close to G-d. i only listened to derek webb today, if you don't know who he is, he's one of my favorite song writers and he's a christian, his stuff is very encouraging and real, the way mewithoutyou feels REAL to me. i reflected on G-d's truth and who he is and who i am in him and prayed and felt at peace. right now, in this place, i love it because with this closeness comes a knowing that i am loved, and that He only wants the best things for me and that if i give up the smallest thing for His kingdom's sake, he knows it and it pleases him greatly. it's hard to express. it's like trying to say how it feels to be in love. but it's more than that, G-d is so much more infinite that a person, so much better. i wish i could always live in this place. last night josiah, jav, bryn and i talked about the fruit of the spirit and we seemed to reach the conclusion (or this is what i felt i learned) that you don't get that fruit in leaves, and they come from the spirit and if we are in the spirit we have them entirely, however the tricky part in submitting to G-d's spirit and staying there. but i feel encouraged because right now i know i have them, i feel them, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness. it's awesome, and i know it's not me. i cannot, by my own power, become good. it is NOT in me. my only hope, and i mean that, my only hope is to submit myself to christ, and let him change me. the one thing i can do is lay myself aside and choose him. i keep thinking "i wish i could always be in the spirit like this", and i can be, it's a very possible option, how i love the darkness and my sin so, like a dog returning to it's own vomit, i'll go back to my old ways. but i can always choose Christ, and as a grow in him, that choice will become easier and a more frequented avenue. i want that so bad right now, and when i don't want it, i want to want it, and that's good. i notice that as i draw near to G-d, my desire to sin goes way down, i just don't want that crass when i have something so much better.

sorry, i don't mean to ramble on about how good i'm doing, but i feel like i've just come out of a very hard season in my life, and now seeing G-d again so clearly, i just want to talk about him and what he's working in me.

sorry about the lame headline, i felt a should put something relevent, altho stupid entirely.

here is a derek webb some i like. enjoy!

just repeat our slogan, "never again".
-bright eyes

i thought this was neat.

oh the lies we love

i'm living in an age that calls darkness light.

it makes me mad. i'm sorry i ever encouraged sin. that's what it all is. darkness is darkness and light is light, no cross over. i'm tired of seeing people who once knew the difference now swear that dark is light, when, dark is dark. i wish it was simpler like it used to be, but it's not and it won't ever be again. i just want to get away from all that dark.

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.
1st John 1:5

i mean, i feel like sometime we scream and swear that our bullshit sin is gospel truth! what is G-d going to say to us when we see him?!? "hey lucas, um, you were kinda off on that one, and lead some of my children astray, but no biggie. you should hang out with joseph smith over there..." no, i really doubt that G-d will take our lies so lightly.

all i can say is that i need jesus to save me and change me and teach me his truth so i can live the way i should, and to forgive me for my shortcomings.

it's good motivation to run from sin tho.

my need

i was struck, still am, today of my need for jesus. i was thinking about how jesus saves. "jesus saves". (it pains me a great deal that this truth, this most profound truth of salvation and hope, has been reduced to a bumper sticker, bs repetition that means nothing but is everything and holds hope for all men is no a damn cliche, satan works in effective ways.) but i keep looking about the things that are wrong in my life, or the things have have gone wrong, and see how jesus could have saved those things from going bad, i.e., my parents divorce, my own sin, how i kind of just fell apart this last semester, the war this country is fighting, just all this brokenness we're surrounded by is fixable. by jesus. he's like chicken noodle soup and sprite, but not, he isn't just a quick fix, he is true healing. i'm struck by how i need him. how we all do. he's what i want more than good friends, money, being a pastor, a wife someday, the new season of the office, more than anything. i'm not afraid to say it either. we need him more than correct theology, more than healthy relationships, good music, lovely art, lovers, friends, air, dirt, water, warmth, mom and dad, a needle in the arm, a bed, a car, a job, a church, food, insulin, human love. it's hard to now say how jesus saves us. i've kind of build him up, and now i'll stumble trying to explain what he in fact does, but he is good. i don't know about y'all, but i am not good, not on my own anyhow. his way, and the ways he teaches us to live, are right. but it's more than just right living, jesus didn't come to just teach us morality, but he offered up the most he absolutely could: himself. we need to understand who he is, fully G-d, totally good and totally loving. i think if i was closer to him, i'd sin less. no, i know this to be true.i know when i'm closer to G-d that i'm nicer, well, better, my desire to sin is smaller, i decrease and i want to see him increased thru me. it's great. it's a feeling i want to chase. i am more and more convents that what christians need most is christ, and to know him. we don't need our theology or head knowledge, we need jesus. we need to know him so we can become him and therefore, embody him to the world. this needs to be done somewhat carefully, because many doing this have made a grave error of abandoning His first love, the church. yes yes, we call know that she is a whore, and that she is corrupt and such and such things, none-the-less, hell, all-the-more, we need to be in the church and be him. i learned something cool at bible college, that the church is G-d's presents here on earth. brothers and sisters, we are the church. we canNOT run from ourselves any longer, it really does pain me to see people, some of the people i love more, saying they hate the church, when, in fact they/we are the church. i know things should be different, the america church bothers me a lot, and i know jesus wouldn't do it the way it's being done, but we gotta sick with it, we can't just go off on our own, mormans did that and they are lame (and kinda creepy, jav showed me a youtube video explaining some of their theology, those poor black people. http://youtube.com/watch?v=n5dscqcNOGM (this, by the way, is not my only information about their religion, interesting tho)). early christian leaders never intended to start a new religion, just fulfill Judaism, and i feel that is what we are to do with christianity today, make it right. not by our own doing, but thru christs. i want to become a pastor. i've been to bible college. and i will continue to go there, but not to please G-d so much as to please man, because what i need most to be the best pastor i can be isn't a degree from multnomah bible college stating that i've passed my classes and therefore have a masters in bible and theology, but rather that i need to become like christ, and i do this by going after him, yes theology and bible college can help, but it really comes down to being like him, because that's all i want to be. or at times, all i want to want to be, i'm not all there yet. jesus saves. any goodness in me is only thru him, because my heart is far from G-d and i am sinful and broken, but jesus heal and changes man into something good.



(no proof reading, sorry, i only write when it's very late indeed and i'm too tired to do anything but pound out my thoughts onto the keys, i hope it's not too bad, and even helpful)

goings on of late

last night i was chill'n with chaz, javier and aaron. we walked around downtown and went to the park where they was a'having the beat festival. i was greatly saddened to learn that when they say "beat", they don't mean like kerouac and burroughs and such, but like crappy latin muic and musical beats (sink to the beat). anyhow, they had fireworks and chaz and i decided to get on the roof of the ike box to watch. andrew/raeanna and billy and elliot also came up. it was real fun watching the explosions in the sky over downtown from a high-ish building. for the grand finish, chaz and i acted like we were making out, except i was trying to kiss his next, but i was laughing so i wasn't doing a very good job and now i'm all worried that chaz thinks i'm a bad kisser. oh well. he moved out of our apartment yesterday and that made me sad because i can't think of anyone (well, any dude anyway) that'd i'd rather live with. javier moved in, which is pretty sweet. we have an odd friendship, but i like him, and his very peculiar ways, a great deal. it's been such an odd summer so far, so different from years past. i guess i'm just growing up and such. it's strange hardly ever seeing my parents, and never together. my brother, dylan, comes home for two weeks in one week. that'll be really nice, i haven't seen him in about 7 months, and i've missed him a lot. he's a great fellow.

um, i cleaned the whole apartment today and i feel very accomplished. i'm trying to read thru the whole new testament in a month, and so far, i'm behind my schedule, but it's like drinking water first thing in the morning, you can just feel it taking effect on your body and i love it. i'm trying to be, how can i say this tactfully, less of an asshole. lately i've felt so irritated by people, such bitter feelings, feeling so wronged over the smallest things, never forgiving, just annoyed i guess. this isn't christlike, and therefore, i want none of this. i watched an interview with aaron weiss (which is at the bottom) that really challenged me to forgive all things, no matter what, and i've felt much more at peace about things, about people, since then. i went a long time without really challenging myself to be better, more like my greatest love, and i just eroded real fast, which just helps reassure my desperate need for a saviour, for someone other than myself to forgive and change me. so, i'm trying to submit myself to G-d's will and not think about my own wants or desire or fucking rights, but what he wants, and whats better for the good of the kingdom. me being an asshole is doing no good for G-ds kingdom, i don't think. for such a long time i've thought how myself, and whats in my best interest and such and such, when what i should be asking myself is thing: "what is best for G-d, and his kingdom", the whole love G-d and love others deal.

rejoice!





(lucas is the anti-proof-reader)

i woke up

i had this real cool moment this past week of, i don't know what you'd call it, spiritual awakening or something, when i was driving in my car (pizza's to houses and such) and feeling sad (as been the case for a number of months), but, despite what i felt like, i put on a band that has always been a encouragement to me. i spun that record like a wheel and i had this inexpressible feeling of joy - weird, i know. but i began to praise G-d and couldn't help but smile. i feel as tho i've been sick in a spiritual sense these past, i don't know, 6 months perhaps, for a number of reasons, and not dead, just not well or fully able or healthy, lagging. but that joy is stil burned to intensely into my being that i can't help but know it is there. i am a bit embarrassed to share this, but i get real down about the state of christianity,the meaning of life, my family, and things with friends, and i dwell on these things and just feel darker and darker. it's always been much easier for me to love darkness than light. i can't think of a time i've felt more joyful and hopeful in my life, and it was all with out rational thought, no theology or philosophy, just G-d and his light. i wrote in my journal about this and about my selfish sufferings and i told G-d that he is enough. i wonder if i'll continue to believe that, the way i do now. i remember last fall and early winter telling Him with absolute honesty that i'd do anything he'd ask of me - then i got depressed and turned my thoughts to ME (the great fool and what a foolish thing to do). i'm not sure i'd say that right now, but i'm not far from that place, and i want to want that, and i feel G-d and joy and hope and etc! i feel at peace in a large way. i've come to realized that intellectual understanding, while it has it's place, is nothing compared to the sheer love of G-d. i want love to be enough. i don't think people come to G-d, or come to be good, out of knowledge (tho i do not believe this prevents this, or has to), but out of love. love is very thing, the fathers, the prophets, the upright kings, the forerunner, the Christ, the spirit, the apostles, the church all cry love, and love is enough. i have to learn to stop relying on my learning, but rather on G-ds love.

G-d is good and he should be praised.

(no proof reading was done, sorry yo!)

briefly

i wrote a whole long thing about what's been going on with me, but it didn't post and i lost it and i'm lazy and don't want to rewrite the whole deal right now.

pretty much, i'm working full time, moved into an apartment with chaz and grant, doubt i'm going to multnomah next year, which i have mixed feelings to the max about, haven't been reading as much, been chill'n with the ole school homies, and getting closer to G-d.

i saw mewithoutYou on friday. i didn't go to church on sunday. unrelated tho.

briefly looks like barf-fly to me, that's what i thought after i wrote it.

i don't know if you noticed it or not, but it smells like summer time outside. i love summer nights the best, next to fall afternoons while smoking.

"...the mouse is regarded to be the third most successful mammalian species living on Earth today, after humans and the rat."

i have all three living in my house. the mouse doesn't like the rat. the cat is indifferent.

religious

this is my last week of school for the year, it's "finals" week. i'm glad to be done. i still don't know what to do about next year. (about the devil town.). right now i'm just sitting in my room, which is almost entirely empty, listening to some music, not sure what to do with the moment. i kinda want to go downtown, but everything would be closed, and i don't want to watch anything, i might just read. i should study. but that's lame. i've just about finished "siddhartha", and it's a good read. it makes me thing about spiritual things, "truths", if you will. at work this weekend, i got into two brief, but interesting conversations about religion. sometimes i feel so lost in all of this. i am a christian, i believe in christ and the bible and all those lovely things, but i also feel do distant from christianity as a religion. maybe because i don't go to church on sundays, but i doubt it's that. being a bible college has, in some ways (and due to my reaction to it), caused me to feel far from things i once embraced. i can't stand most things "christian" anymore. i hate modern christian culture (if you haven't, watch that interview with david bazan a few posts back). i read a lot of non-christian books, and i think this is a good thing for me as a person, but as a main-stream-modern-america-christian, it might be quite un-good (perhaps even double plus). so i don't know. i don't feel like i've got any profound answers about things, but i can't say i like this religious vibe i've been getting from christianity. i can say that i'm far from being "religious" myself. i am spiritual for sure, but i can't say i'm as close to
G-d as i'd like to be.

i don't know what to do with all my socks that have holes in them either, maybe i'll just ignore that problem.

I was living in a devil town.
I didn't know it was a devil town.
Oh lord, it really brings me down about the devil town.

holy fish

last night i was in bed reading kerouac's big sur and he ate a fish without really thinking about it and then realized that just a few moments ago (it had been caught out of a stream by a friend) that it was free and happy and swimming thru the water and he felt horrible for eating the holy fish and he remembered his cat that had died a few weeks ago and how he had forgotten his ways of being at peace with all things. i felt bad for eating chicken strips earlier that night and i don't want to eat (or kill) any living creature any more. today at lunch i got a burger without even thinking about it, but remembered when i sat down how great the evil i was about to commit was, so i just had some other food. this feeling won't last i'm sure, it's too hard to not eat meat and i'm too picky a eater to eat veggies and such, but it's an interesting feeling while it lasts.

no matter what, i am not okay with veal.

07-08

i'm in this place right now where i could stay at multnomah, or go back to salem for the next year. i'm really not sure which i'd rather do. i think i'd like to do both. i prayed about it, and i felt G-d was telling me that it would be okay to do either. i'd like to be closer to my folks, i hate that they're both alone. i'd also like to study english in a way multnomah can not teach me, so chemeketa might be good for that. i like multnomah a lot. expensive tho! i know i want to go here, even if is not next year. it's been a hard year, being home might be nice. summer will tell.

dave bazan interview - watch both, all the way

this really isn't worth reading

i meant to go to bed earlier today. i discovered the great joy (tho not as great as un-altered sleep in-itself) of waking up early after going to bed at a reasonable hour. it's not two am and i haven't even started my reading (of kerouac, what else?). i've gotta wake up at 8:30-ish to go with friend to get a geeetar, not sure why. it will be neat tho. today i got very frustrated at a person that gets on my nerves quite a lot, and while i hardly ever see said person, said person makes me want to commit murder (and i am a pacifist!). i hate that i hate. i wish i would be happy and nice and just up-lifting all the time, but i am such an asshole so much of the time. it bothers me. i need to stop just letting things bother me and let that botheredness change my patters of living (or something)(i don't like this song, i dont wanna fuck the cops -bss). there isn't a whole lot to say. i'll be starting my summer job in salem soon, i hope (and yes pray) that my car will not break down, because my car is the bread winner, i'm just the driver. i wanna go to frisco in an rv with my friends and i hope that happens. when i read too much kerouac, which i do, my writing turns into just thoughts, thoughts, and i put to effort into editing them, and i like it and all, but i can't do it like said author can - just going with it being beautiful all the time, mostly it's just going with mine. it's like calling and saying one's own thoughts but imitating someone else's voice when i really need to sleep and read other authors. but i need jesus most!

this is about my feeling about school, pretty much

i'm sitting in a cafe with nothing better to do than listen to records and read books and it's a beautiful thing and all. it's very calm in this place. i'd like most of all to live in a house or apartment and just work (not too much tho) without having the distraction of school, because i learn more without it i'm sorry to say, and learn to write proper like, and read lots of books and learn about G-d and get to know him better. i've found bible college to not bad but not real good either. it's not the school fault, it's just how i've reacted to it, i'm a foolish want to be rebel or some fool-hearted foolishness like that. it's hard for me to be here tho. the idea of just learning these things without the 20 grand a year would be nice, without the bible college environment (it feels fake sometimes). i'd like to live with my mom, i dont' like that she's in that big house all alone, tho she has good friends and all, i still don't like it much, her being alone. i've never liked school, and it's just getting harder and it's being coming clearer that school in itself is quite foolish in many respects. did you ever see the movie "goodwill hunting" where the main fellow says to some smart-alick who went to a very prestigious and expensive university that he could have gotten the same education for like 1.50 in late fees at the public library. it's like that.

persons and directions and i'm sorry only when i mean it

it rained on saturday. it was a mess outside. i felt so safe in my car, dry and warm. it's not like it used to be on the bike wishing i had gloves with my clothing totally wet, riding fast at night on those portland streets trying to be some place that wasn't there - at least not then. it's, digressed, reverted, been undone. with the emptiness, there came a much realer fullness. now (if there is such a thing at all) there is a fullness that comes with an emptiness, a trade off. downgrading. it shouldn't be like that. it should be like change for a permanence. i remember ryan daffon talking about living sacrifices and how the problem with that is they can, at any point they feel so inclined, get off that alter, walk off, and enjoy a natural american spirit, because marlboro's are sub-par, and they 'cos stopped making lucky strikes (filtered). all that wisdom goes unsaid, but clearly remembered. not all the details, but the feeling is there when i make my mind feel it. such passion, so ready to do something, but without leadership and encouragement: loss of interest. you can only read a bible passage so many times before you get bored with it and decided that kerouac is funny and interesting and this is the natural order of things, but backwards, but natural all the same. like how the willamette river flows the other way(when contrasted to most rivers who all seem very normal indeed). so what is to be said? "i'm sorry" - but am i. i remember when i was a child, doing something wrong to my brother and my mom making me say "sorry" to him, and it'd say "sorry", but with such a strong bent of the sound of no meaning to that, or those, word(s) at all. i'd be forced to say it again, "meaning" it, so i learned how to lie. it you sound go, but hold bitterness in your heart, people will be just fine with that, or fine enough with that to let you go play with your legos or some other such thing. so, i don't want to say sorry unless i am sorry. and sometimes i am, sometime i am full off regret and aarons "no rowing could out run the wrong i've done" burns like hell in my mind, but then there are those other times where i wish i was in salem, like i spent last year: working two part times jobs, not going to church really, smoking and cussing and doing things that i swore were "fine!!! - i swear", but come on!, no more of these put offs, dancing around the half truths like chaz grant and i did when we went camping in washington state on a quest to buy fireworks last summer in nothing but maybe one sock. i was very sincere about embracing truth last term, i don't know why my desire chose to run after the wind the way i do, and i do! bullshit! (oh wait, no, can't say that, it's not pure, and it's not!, i believe this, how it's how i feel. it is! i feel like it is bullshit. but i also feel i shouldn't say "bullshit" because it's not right to say bullshit at all. i need to express my thoughts, it's not madness. (maybe it is). and i don't want to, don't choose to, believe that it is all about moderation, that it's okay to express yourself in one such way, but not another, when you are expressing the same exact thing, with different words. who makes words evil, not G-d. does HE say saying bullshit is evil? it's perfectly okay to say "darn it", when what i am expressing is "may the it be condemned to eternal hell", but saying "bullshit", which is saying some thing's value or worth is equal to the excrement of a cow. can you see the source of my confusion? i cannot. but i can see some of it's causes.) i don't know about all this change. maybe all this change is good, because with my former mindset, i'd have ended up in a alley, sleeping with nothing to my name, with that emptiness that frees you enough to find fulfillment. what a grand trade off. it's like it's like listening to modest mouse over mewithoutYou. easier, but cheated. i know what is up, enough to start in the right! direction. but i'm tired and it was getting uncomfortable losing myself in G-d. so i bought a cd and a fast food meal and it left me deaf and hungry. lame, i know.

"can you drink from this cup", "hell yes, bring it!". but the waiting took to long, you know, like waiting in the dentists office with magazines that are three years old, bored, knowing the waiting will end, but not wanting to stay, NO!, it's more like being in a big hurry, and buying a coffee and it's taking way longer than you thought,so even tho you've already paid, you leave. you just walk outta that starbucks, because you are in a hurry, and they didn't understand how valuable your time is. (you swear you'll not go back until you think thing've changed). you get to where you thought you needed to be, and you find out, once you've gotten there, that you are bored as hell! "sheeeeuut, i should've waited for that coffee, it's cold here, and having a warm drink would help to pass the time. this hell makes me feel so damn lonely, isolation (all the while picturing that part of river-front park, the half circle as the bottom of the amphitheatre, the stage part, on a cold fall morning having skipped class with your best friend and gotten breakfast, but now he's no where, and you're now here and it's empty.)".

however you look at it, person a. was heading in direction 1. and felt very good about it, quite confident that this was right (in a way that shows the beauty of absolute truth), it was hard, but it gave a sense of purpose and meaning and love and joy and brokenness (the good kind, see matt 5-ish, and luke 7 something or other), but for no difineable reason (person a. might tell you that his parents got divorced, which is in fact true, in this strange period of time, and that effected him greatly, another truth, and thus this is the reason that he was (or did) reverted the direction 2. (which will be explained shortly), but this would NOTNOTNOTNOTNOTNOTNOT be true - lies!) he reverted to direction 2.: not caring a whole lot, tho not having abandoned truth, no longer proclaiming it, no longer admonition those who calm it and only half follow it (ironically just as peron a. is doing not, entirely half heartedly), no longer caring about being simple and thus free in this respect, but now disregarding the laws (in a moderate way that makes person a. feels like he's done nothing wrong at all - except one time, and that freaked him out (unsaid reason for writing)), spending money on possessions he'd like to own, reading great things but not enough of that perfect writing, sleeping too late and missing appointed times to be at appointed places, not talking much to his mother, father, or brother, or certain friends, not for reasons of bitterness, but because it isn't as easy as other things, not making an effort to embrace life where he goes to school, but running to the comfort of home most weekends, wishing he would forget the life (direction 1. perhaps) he was called to and simply live by himself, or maybe one or two very select friends, in an apartment, working a simple job, like pizza or coffee, something he did while going in direction 2. (it should be funny to know that he went in direction 2. before he ever went in direction 1., which is his main reason for believing in a sinful nature), and sleeping rather than praying.

it's hard. madness would be a fun trip, but it wouldn't last. i can't just step out of what i feel is truth, no matter how much i'd enjoy that. that sounds horrible, "how dare you say you don't love every damn thing about the christian life!!!", but remember i don't say i'm sorry unless i feel it, and feeling this.

it's confusing and all. and i'm okay. i'm not great, not by any means, but not horrible either. feeling very, peaceful, and a bit of madness, not the former kind tho.

"in your heart there's a spark that just screams for a love to bring a child to your chest... and love all you have left, like your boy used to be, long ago"

down is the new up! it's like what jesus taught us!

listening to the radiohead show andrew and i went to in berkeley.

still

i want nothing to do with you.

it seems as tho this feeling should have past. hasn't.

i don't know why i still feel mad.

bright eyes new record.

the new bright eyes record, cassadaga, makes me feel good. it's a very hopeful album. it's only like 8 buck at best buy (sorry to advertise). it's worth it. it's lovely. it'll make you want to travel and be chill and good and seek beauty, all in a good way. "i must belong somewhere" is super. so is "no one would riot for less". but do you want to know the truth? i'm just putting off homework.

it's still a good listen tho!

im glad conor seems less depressed. i read in an interview that he stopped doing drugs. he still seems a bit lost, but he's not trying to kill himself (slowly at any rate) anymore.

rejoice! beauty is very where!

far-out in time (remember!!!)

i read that it takes something like (i can't remember that exact figure) 1/32nd of a second for your brain to process what is happening to your scenes. so, in your mind, you can only look at past events. all that we can know and view is past. i think this is very interesting. there might very well be a present time, but we cannot know it in our conciseness. the whole idea of living in the here and now is impossible. we are blind to now-ness. this makes me feel like i am drifting thru time without having any control. it's very far-out. remembering the now!!! this is only interesting to me because i just finished a book about hippies and the psychodelic movement, and b/c i am a nerd. i like to apply what i learn.

but like, whoooooa ma-a-a-a-an. there is no now, and if there is no now, how can there be any future? it's like we're swimming in a sea of the past, floating thru space of gone-ness. the past is present but the present is invisible until it has gone past.

maybe if there is no now, there is nothing and it all an illusion. when i get confused about something, it is plain that it does not exist at all. (i don't know how i am still a christian. )it is interesting that if we cannot take part in the now, if there is really a now at all, and if there is no now, is there anything new at all. if there is nothing new at all, is there anything at all - since all things have a beginning but there is no now, and no possible place for a start, there is nothing. or maybe the now is just 1/32nd of a second in the future, or past - depending on how you look at it. or now. would be the 3rd and most professed option.

my mind is reeling at the possibilities, is yours? (or, to speak properly, my mind WAS reeling)

bu-bye now!

i did really believe that thing about jesus being in my heart as a kid - honest

the weather in the greatest state in the whole union is so strange. it's always jumping from rain to sunshine to clouds to rain to hail to different/next/strange. i feels like fall. i like fall best. i like the cool.

bob dylan is playing loud thru my speakers: "it's a hard raaaaaaaaaains agonna fall".

i've felt discouraged about the church today. the church doesn't do a whole lot. it's like there is this epic chasm between what the church once was, in the new testament and also pre-Constantine, and what the church is like today.

what does it mean to live life now with an eternal perspective? the speaker in chapel today briefly mentioned that, and i caught onto that thought and my mind went reeling! reeling! it was like this great moment of realization and understanding. jesus came to give us life, eternal life, right? (yes, sir). i've always operated under the understanding that you live this life, die, and then eternity starts. however, looking back, i don't think this is what jesus, or post-jesus scripture, is saying. i think eternity started when i was a little kid who, without fully understanding what i was a'doing (but who can ever fully understand the grace of G-d) asked jesus into my heart. at the time i thought my heart-beat was jesus, who lived in my heart in a very literal way, hammering a nail into the wall of my heart so he could put up a picture. as a child i honestly believed this. i can still remember what i thought the painting would look like (it was staggeringly beautiful). anyhow!!! anyhow!!, i think that life has started. that my flesh might not, shall we say, "make it" to heaven, but my soul will keep going. perhaps with the removal of my damn body, my soul and spirit will be cleansed (i hope so!). so that was fun for me. to understand that i've already started eternity. i think this is a "correct" thought. i don't really see how this would change a whole lot, i mean, i already know about living for jesus and all that good stuff.


the following is about music, and is pointless
"no one would riot for less" is one of the best songs i've heard. i heard it for the first time a year or two a go when i first saw bright eyes in concert, and tried for a long time to track it down, but could not, to my great sadness. it's on the new album "cassadaga", which has the best album art-work these old eyes have ever seen.

oh, the scene! such a great evil.

shower, flower, power, um, nower? no! that don't sound good at all! i'll call this one "how takin a shower when needed is really like followin Jesus!"

i like when i need to shower. when the day has seen me walking thru downtown and the park without shoes, and my feet are almost black on the bottom, and when i've been running so hard that i sweat thru a tee-shirt and i know i smell bad. i like when i get into the shower and it feels like it takes a few moments for the water to penetrate beyond the sweat and dirt and start to wash it all away. a few minor cuts hurt from the clean water and the soap. my hair was stiff before the shower, but it is nice and soft under the water with the shampoo. there is nothing like knowing you need to be cleansed and then having that happen in the most epic of ways.

i go to bible college, so i try to make everything relate.



the flow of seriousness and funness is important. a scale as i hear it called today. balance. a key part of living a healthy life is moderation, balance*. too much of either is overkill - for sure - i know!!! i am of the opinion that christians/church (they are the exact same thing, don't be fooled, fool (i only mean the 2nd "fool" in a cute, gangsta way)) have a poor and or skewed view of what it means to enjoy life and how that interacts with the life G-d has set out for us. i mean, we all have to have serious moments, they are good, healthy, totally necessary, however, largely, the church don't know what is up and how we are to have live. i mean, we're damn fucking good about preaching our morality, but fall short when it comes to teaching beauty (which came first) and joy. i don't want to miss the joy G-d calls us to because i want to live in the comfort of sadness, or insincere and unneeded seriousness.

tonight about 10-15 people, largely between the ages of 16-24, played lava monster for a good hour. running and screaming and jumping foolish distances on play ground structure. all the while being far too old to be playing a game for kids! fools! jesus was all like " if you wanna see the kingdom of G-d, you have to become like a little child". i've heard many a interpretation of this saying, we must become child like in our "faith", or "love", or yet another one might say "dependency", which are all good. but jesus said something much more EPIC, he said something much simpler, and we pick our something else. he said, and all he said, was we need to become like a child. i think he means this. jesus can be rather confusing, but i think he means what he says, and we pick out other things. what is a child like? become that. (the good things anyhow, jesus doesn't want you to end up like, say, the u.s president - oh!, political slam!).

the later it gets at night, the more i want to write. the later it gets, the more creative, and weird i get. sorry for that. it's 3am. i am too tired to do anything but type my thoughts, no proof reading. some of these thoughts came for talking to andrew tonight. he is the greatest, epic.


*i thought of this, in a funny sorta way, but it's worth sharing: you can't have too much, gosh i don't know how to phrase this, "Jesus", might work. you can't have too much Jesus in your life because you will alway have too much YOU in your life, so the scale will always error on the side of YOU, so the more Jesus the better, but still, balance. the summer after next i'll be able to drink, and thus have to learn moderation in a fun, alcoholic way! yeah yeah.

postcard: sent

no, no! seriously, if you want to feel a lot of energy and excitement for life, listen to the song "ibi dreams of pavement (a better day)"* by broken social scene and read "electric kool-aid acid test" by tom wolfe. it'll make you want to explode and run around and stuff.

i sound foolish, i know. i'm OK with that, okaay?

on an very un-interesting point, i bought my first part of new pants in a year. they also happen to be the first pair pants made for males i've bought in many years. but don't worry, they are still pretty tight and show off my sexy legs and butt. i like them because the pockets are much deeper, and my insulin pump doesn't come out easy.

enjoy




*i have no idea what this song is about lyrically, nor any other bss song for that matter. the music and singing itself has great energy.

FURTHUR!!!

NOW!, it seems to me that jesus, who i am told i ought be like, wasn't real concerned about productivity. sure he said we need to take good care of the things we have, but this mad race for success is just that, mad. jesus was a big fan of just hanging out. he was always giving people alcohol, or eating with friends and acquaintances, just simply talking with folks at the local hang out (back in the day, they called these hang outs "synagogues", but that’s just a minor technical term). i've been reading "the electric kool-aid acid test". this book follows author ken kesey (one fellow over the cuckoo’s nest) and his merry pranksters. they basically invented "hippie-ism". many folks call kesey the mediator between the beat generation and the hippy generation. kesey and his pranksters had a wonderful zest for life, they were all about engaging in life fully and embracing one another, and seeking truth. they wanted to truly accept everyone as long as they felt that those people where being real. yes, they did tons (i do mean lots and lots and lots, lotslots) of drugs, and had sex with folks they may or may not have been married to, but they had so many things RIGHT!

i'm tired of seeing christians always being so somber. always walking around with down turned heads wallowing in unneeded convictions. we are so sad, and is so sad. i honestly believe that one of the greatest truths christians have missed is the joy and freedom christ gave to us. we'd rather just bullshit about how sinful we are and how we need to be of sober spirit, and reject the joy of the Lord because being the former is easy, it makes sense.

i want none of that. i'm tired of being in dark building with a room full of people who raise their voices half way, singing songs made to provoke that unneeded conviction and sadness to a god they thing is probably disappointed in them. man, i don't get that vibe from christ. do you?

I'm not saying we need to all be hippies (hippies are dirty and smell bad, jesus doesn't want you to smell bad. furthur more, being a hippy is sooo last century). it feels like as a christian we have our "fun time", where we run around and laugh and joke and are free, but then we have our "god time" where we are damn serious, where we reading our bibles with pokerfaces and in all honesty are kind of bored and anticipate the next fun time. i think that our fun time is in truth more G-d time that our god-time is. we are made to enjoy, to laugh, joke, play lava monster when you are at least ten years too old to do such things. this is the freedom we are given by G-d as a beautiful given that we should not waste.

remember those two most important commandments,
1) love G-d
2) love people (as you love yourself)

now, when i think of loving people, how i love my friends (or the way i'd show love to ex-gf's), i talk to them, i hang out with them, i laugh and joke with them, i go to seattle with them, hugs!, i play capture them flag in wal-mart, punch them on the arm, get beat down by andrew when it's lucas/chaz v. andrew, build an awesome raft and cross a mighty rive with the said raft. this is love. this is how people love each other. enjoy each other company. enter act tion! G-d is a part of all of this, he isn't sitting within the leather bindings of your bible, he's right there with you when you are living your life, enjoying all this beauty, so don't act like there is "god-time" and “fun time“, there is only life in christ, and everything is beautiful.

does this make sense? i hope so. it is very important to me. i've spent the last many months in harsh judgment of myself, and also great sadness with the happenings of my family, and i think G-d used these novels to teach my these truths that i'd missed in the bible. i feel very excited right now, and very hopeful and up beat, it's good.

give up!

i'm in LA. it's spring break for me, so i thought i'd come down here to see my good friend javier. it's been fun so far. LA is not a place i'd want to live tho. it's too big and dirty and just falls short of oregon in so many ways. all you oregon kids have a great place to live. sure it can be wet, but it beats the smog and the summers are sure nice.
last night we went to a church that meets in a bar. it was good. it reminded me of "the way", but i still liked it. at some point in my recent history i really stopped caring as much as i once did or as i ought to. like, i haven't or didn't stop loving G-d or anything, but i didn't really care much to pursue him and his ways. last semester i was all about living simply and being real and following and such, but somehow i kind of lost that passion. what bullshit man, man! so last night was good 'cos i prayed about these things and i do want to follow christ will all of me. i hate my way of life so much, i realized how utterly dependant i am on my G-d. the preacher fellow spoke about how little children were viewed in the 1st century as pretty worthless and dependant. this is why jesus says we could receive the kingdom of G-d as little children do, with an understanding that this is our only option. i often think that without G-d i'd be okay, i'd find another way to get by and largely i am using another way other than his to get by. this is no good at all! what a damn fool am i. i wish it was as easy as saying the words without having to do the work and commit to such things to be G-dly. i don't think we are condemned to always be wollowing in our sin incapable of ever doing any good. i think that G-d thru christ jesus empowers us to freedom. we don't have to do evil any more. we can be freed from self, but it isn't easy, it isn't just saying "water" and having your thirst met. it's a life of running in such a way as to win the prize as paul might say.

run run run take a drag or two. no, that right. naw, just give yourself up. i don't know about you kids, but i get so frig'n tired of myself, what i mean by that is i get so tired of caring about myself. it is such a worthless thing to do when you know how good G-d is and how good the life he has for you is.

my goodness tho, that life isn't anything like what the life i'd have picked out for myself would look like. thank G-d for that, his ways are higher than my own.

(didn't feel like proof-reading, sorry, i do hate the sound of my own voice)

fond

today i bought an awesome pair of speakers and a sub. i paid for it with birthday money i got. they sound so good. it's been such a long time since i've been able to listen to music thru a good system without wearing headphones (i don't like headphones much). i listened to some modest mouse, ugly casanova, clash and REM. i bought a REM today as well. my dad used to be way into rem, he talks about how he liked them before they were popular. my dads funny.
i've been reading a lot lately. i'm on my 5th book in less than 4 weeks, maybe 3. it's cool to be reading, i like it a lot and it makes me feel so damn smart to be reading so much, however, i wonder if this is good for me. all this massive intake of things that aren't focused. that i mean by that is it's not focused on truth. i like what i've read because it is real, and true in that way, but it's not G-dly i guess. i don't think it's causing me to sin or anything, but it's not causing me to do anything spectacular. i have this strong feeling inside of me that is it NOT okay to just engage in "christian" media or entertainment. i am strongly against censorship, but sometimes i wonder if this is good for me. some of it is, i'm learning alot i think. but these books all talk about drinking and who fucked who, but there is also a lot of beauty in the words of those pages.

i am not digging school right now.

bob dylans "visions of johanna" is one of the most calming songs i know, sorta like the end of cursives "gentleman caller".

i'm very upset that monday, tuesday, wednesday, and thusday are not friday. i'm so sick of being here. i want to leave, run away for good, if only for a pretend week. 20 hours each way. books and books. bryn is coming to hang out tomorrow, and on thurday we have some fun dorm section activity's that might be cool. then friday i get to go go go

i'll come runin'

Matter of fact,
youre on the right track,
my future looks black and blue.

Didn't take long,
to see I was wrong,
I still got it strong for you.

I'll come runin' yeah, (I'll come runing yeah)
if you want me to, (if you want me to)
I'll come runin' yeah, (I'll come runing yeah)
because i'm done in yeah,
without you.

I'd give my last shirt,
to take back the words,
that brought all that hurt upon us.

Both made mistakes,
had some bad breaks,
we got what it takes to go on.

I'll come runin' yeah, (I'll come runing, yeah)
if you want me to, (if you want me to)
I'll come runin' yeah, (I'll come runing, yeah)
because i'm done in yeah,
without you

-the murder city devils

i like this songs, and the words even more so. "my future looks black and blue" is a good line.

sunandmooniwanttoseebothworldsasone

beauty

sunday night was cool

it's true! sunday night was cool. i went with some school friends up to rockie butte, and i thought we were going to just hang out, but no! there was much more. ole tim brought his guitar and we worshipped G-d on the top of this amazing mountain overlooking all of lovely portland and just, i don't ever know, embraced the beauty of life or something. i am a cynical sonovbitch, sad, i know. since i am this way, it is very hard for me to connect with G-d in most organized worship times, like chapel here at school. but being with people who wanted to worship just because was perfect. it was a great time of praise and reflection.



i had a rad weekend as well. i got to hang out with my dad a good amount. i love spending time with my dad. he's my favorite guy his age i know for sure. i'm so blessed to have a good relationship with my dad, and to even like him. funny story (well, sorta). everytime he's introduce me to someone new, his roommate matt, and two coworkers, i felt so proud, so sure of myself. when he's say, "this is my son", it was like i knew who i was, his son, and i was damn proud of it. i am also very proud of who my father is. i think this is how G-d wants it to be, for a father to, well, father his son, raise him and show him who he is. i thought of all this because i just finished reading "to own a dragon" by don miller, great book for any guy.
i also got to see my mom and hang out at the house. got to see most of my salem friends, good times down south yo!

i wonder if i can just give up cynicism.

sometimes i look at my left wrist and i'm just upset that i put something as foolish as "rejoice" on my arm. i do not want to rejoice. i want to be bitter and comfortable.

this, however, is not G-d's design for me. rejoicing is much closer.

damn i'm not okay with being so paralysingly cynicism.

oh those christians and their anti-christ ways

it seems that as christians, people who claim to follow chirst,we've missed the point. the whole "love thy neighbor" thing doesn't apply to us or something. for a moment i thought that it's just because most christians haven't been exposed to things like needing to help the poor, loving your enemies, peace, justice, whatever, things that christ embodies, however, this is not true. we know everything we need to know to be effective, but instead we debate if it's okay to have a beer as a bible college student for a damn hour. i'm feeling very annoyed. i wish i was doing something myself - i am not, but i want to. so bad. we as a body really don't give a fuck. and i wonder how that makes christ feel. christians are so full of shit, lies, hypocrisy, i just want to walk away. i swear i would if there was another way.

i'm pissed off right now. it might be righteous anger, or i might just be a prick. still, i'm so fucking tired of always seeing christians only using christ for their own purposes. i am glad, i really am, that you feel G-d sometimes and that he is there for you, i am, but what have you done for him? seriously. have you (or i) done anything for the kingdom? i doubt it. jesus tells us we serve him by serving the broken in this world, the oppressed, the poor, the lonely, the rejects. i love the idea of the wounded healer, because i know i myself am wounded, hurt, broke, jacked up, but i like that G-d uses these types of people, but only if we let him use us. i really have a hard time seeing christians as a group of people who have let go of themselves and taken ahold of G-d and his word and gone to work. i see christians 100% the opposite of christ.

may G-d save us and change us.

(this was written while i was pretty pissed off, but i think alot of it is true. however, cynicism is the easiest thing in the world taking little to no effort, the real challenge is getting us damn foolish christians to act like christ)

deep, i know.

stuff is weird

lot on my mind

i've got few questions and less answers.

therefore*:

questions>answers

lame, i know.

questioins=answers would be nice.

nice.

nice dream.




*i always feel smart when i use the word "therefore", like a philosopher or mathematician. i am super-fly with words.

sunny day

my feet are dirty from walking in the grass and the mud. it was a beautiful day today. the sun makes everything better. people look less ugly in the sunshine. this might be because it's hard to make people out when the glare of the sun is in one's eyes.

"here i lay dreaming looking at the brilliant sun
raining it's guiding light upon everyone"
-elliott smith

a thought i had - just now

i just got the strangest desire to be a missionary. i've never really wanted to do this before. i was reading matt 3 and 4 for class and i was all like, "that'd be hecka tight, i should do that". normally, i'd write this sort of thing in my journal, however, i'm listening to a frig'n sweet modest mouse song on my computer with headphones, and since the cord is too short, i cannot reach my journal without interrupting the song, which is something i am not willing to do.

yeah, i'll have to think and pray about this missionary thing. it's probably like the time, about a month ago, i really wanted to join the army for no real reason, then the feeling past along and i took a nap.

as i write this the feeling fades, then i think about it, and it comes back. if i was a missionary, i'd want to really live with the people of whereever it was i was, and not be some dumb rich white missionary from the west who may live in that country, but lives totally apart from the people; this is not what jesus did, nor paul, but mostly jesus, 'cos jesus it way hecka tighter than frig'n paul, who is cool and all, but he's no jesus. he tries tho, and it's cute, and that is what counts. trying.

this is about god and G-d

i cannot understand G-d. no one can. no one can understand G-d. i cannot, you cannot, understand G-d. this does not mean that we cannot know G-d, but we cannot understand him, at least not in a complete sense. we cannot understand G-d. since we cannot understand G-d, we try to explain him, explain the parts about him that we don't get. our kind seems to have this need to know everything. but our best explanation's of G-d fall short. our definition of who and what G-d is isn't that great. we then reject the god we have created, and in doing so, reject the true G-d without ever having knowing him, and most certainly without having understood him. if we really knew G-d, we'd know we couldn't understand him entirely. so many people in this world bitterly hate G-d because the god they know is weak and fake, not the true G-d who is far too vast to be explained away.

"evil me, yeah i know"

i keep listening to the song "bukowski" by modest mouse. for a few years i wouldn't listen to that song because it bashes G-d. now i can't stop listening to it. it's a great song, a song that embodies a common feeling about G-d. that he's an asshole and a control freak. things that make sense and seem true, heck are true, if you believe in the god that is explainable. however, this is not the G-d of Abraham, of the jews of old, of Jesus Christ, Paul, the anabaptists, or me for that matter. that kind of god is fake and easy, G-d is neither.

i'd like to invite you to examine your G-d, and see if it's the image of the G-d who is in the bible, who could do such great things. who is real.

i hate that i am so concerned about my peers approval

sometimes i wonder what is an appropriate length of time to wear a single pair of socks. tradition would say "one pair, one day", but i reject this philosophy; it just screams of that distasteful air of earlier generations. besides, it's the winter, so i don't sweat all that much, therefore, my socks stay on the up-n-up. and i never wear socks without shoes in front of attractive girls, which is the only people group i'd be concerned about being judged by because i am wearing the same pair of socks that i wore to mondays chapel and it is now thursday. attractive girls, by-the-way, are the judges with the highest authority (sex appeal). in the summer, i rinse out my socks about every other night, just for my owns pleasure. it's an hour into march, my socks are just fine. it only smells bad if you hold it right up to your face. most people do not do this with the socks that i am currently wearing.

now, i know what you are thinking at this point, "what is his standard policy on underwear usage". to this i would say that is a rather personal question, and i simply refuse to talk about undergarments via an internet blog that any creep can read. you disgust me with your constant prying, just relax and mind your own underwear, alright?

a.h.w.o.s.g.

this morning the roads where wet, so classes were delayed by two hours. someone said it snowed someplace and that is why classes started late, but all i know is that i got to sleep for two extra hours. thank you the weather, and the poor oregonians who do not know how to handle it. after my one 50 minute class of talking about poetry that i do not "get", i ate lunch, showered, and came back to my room to read. i just started "a heartbreaking work of staggering genius", and it lives up to its name. it's very funny, witty and all, and one time it made me want to cry(i didn't tho, instead i killed a bear). there are a lot of book i'd like to read right now. it reminded me of last year, when i didn't have anything better to do than read. i also really would like to smoke a few cigarettes, but i said i wouldn't so i won't. but it'd be nice as heck it i could...

"reading is fun"

for years i thought that was a lie, oops.

right now my blood sugar is 410-ish (yours is closer to 100). i took 10 units via injection. it's going to be a strange afternoon.

either/or

either/or is such a good record. you really ought to listen to it. elliott smith. if you don't already to him, he's a bit hard to get into, but once you have, it's some of the best music. he's kind of like radiohead in that way. anyhow, either/or is amazing, but i don't think i'd tattoo this elliott smith album onto my body.

this is a video of elliott playing one of my favorite songs from the record, "say yes". this is from his last show before his death.

like, weird man, man!

it's just weird how things change. i mean, like, weird. like real strange. nothing seems to stay the same, yet nothing changes in a way. i'm not trying to be deep or anything, lord knows i'm not deep, but i've had a lot of free time this weekend so i've thought a lot and things from "back in the day" keep coming up and it's odd. it is so damn interesting to see how people i've know since middle school (i don't know anyone from before then due to moving and such) have changed, yet are still very much the same person. i wonder what people i've know since middle school think of me. life seems to be this big cycle and all.

three things of no importance

mold is growing in a dirty glass in my room.

i can drink coffee without cream or sugar and i like it.

i stole something once. it is next to me.

i was sitting in church today, no! i was standing. they were playing a worship song. it was a good one. however, i wished that they'd burst into "january 1979", because that is awesome. um, here are the words:

January, 1979 saw a terrible crash and it couldn’t help but laugh.
As my ear pressed against the past like a glass on the wall of a house in a photograph.
My forehead no longer sweet with holy kisses worthy of your fiery lips.
I was floating in a peaceful sea rescued by a sinking ship.

If I could become the servant of all, no lower place to fall. (I could be your servant)
If I could become the servant of all, no lower place to fall. (If I could be your servant)
If I could become the servant of all, no lower place to fall. (I could be your servant)
If I could become the servant of all, no lower place to fall. (If I could be your servant)

You watched me like a 10-car highway wreck with detached, vulgar curiosity
Us looking down on the tops of the hats of us passersby from your seventh floor balcony
And grew such a height we missed creatures too small for sight.
Carry on over conversation as the misguided insects
Crown me their grasshopper king with a dance of celebration.

After years with a crown on my head
I've grown overfed, unconcerned, and comfortably numb
Kept busy indulging in the pleasures of the wealthy.
Oh, someone make me afraid of what I’ve become.
At the first sign of possible sorrow,
I turned my heels and ran.
Oh, I’ll never learn.
My life is a cup of sugar I borrowed before time began and forgot to return.

It was a matter of time,
I always said I could see but now I’m going blind. (I could be your servant)
It was a matter of time,
I always said I could see but now I’m going blind. (If I could be your servant)
It was a matter of time,
I always said I could see but now I’m going blind. (I could be your servant)
It was a matter of miserable time but I heard somewhere,
There was a cure for useless eyes. (If I could be your servant)


here is the music video:

hope in what

often times, i find myself placing my hope in strange things. like pants. i would not wear baggy pants. i hope that by my pants people will think that i am cool and thus, accept me. i first put hope in appearance, and then secondly in people's approval. mostly i put hope in a college education. i feel that if i fail at college, then my life will be forfeit, and if i do well here, then the rest of my life will be okay, because i went to college damn it! i do not put my hope in G-d nearly enough. i do not feel that G-d will provide for me, that he will take care of me. there have been times in the past that because of my failures, i've told G-d that my life is forfeit and worthless and he should just end it now! sometimes i can be a little dramatic with my words to G-d.

i'd like to get a place where no matter what happens, i have faith in G-d and his provision.

i am not saved by pants, or college, or people. i am saved by Christ alone, and this is where my hope belongs.

i'd like to be content with having only food and covering, and the knowedge of i am loved by my G-d.

i have been feeling sentimental for days gone by

such a passive thing to do

i think it is weird when people ask if i'm growing out my hair. hair growth is such a passive thing to do. it'd be more accurate to say that i'm not cutting my hair, but growing it? it is much easier for me grow my hair that it is to cut it.

there are alot of songs that make mention of hair.

on the road

i just got my ticket to go to LA for spring break via greyhound. i'm so frig'n stoked! an entire week in a new city with javier. it's gonna be killer awesome good times. 20 hours on the bus each way... that'll be, um, nice. i guess i'll have time to think and read and all.

what he said reminded me of that one mwY line from four word letter pt.2

i had a hard weekend. it started on friday, well, the provoking of the hard weekend, not the real reason of why my weekend was hard. on friday, two of my friends asked me how i was doing with things with my parents (they are, um, not so married these days, to put it mildly), and i was all like, "oh, i'd doing alright, i mean it sucks but i'm okay". yeah turns out i'm not. i hate knowing that they are both alone. i hate waking up in my house knowing my dad isn't there. i hate when i have to tell my folks something it means two phone calls. i remember the days when i could tell either mom or dad something and by the next day they but know whatever information i had relayed. i can't stand how calm they seem about everything. i left salem at midnight on friday night to go home, and they whole way i thought about these things. i'm re-reading don millers book "to own a dragon", and it is about growing up without a father. it makes me realize how much i need my dad. i love my mom very much, but i don't feel like i need her. i need my father. we were supposed to have lunch on saturday and i couldn't get ahold of him. i called him three times and each time i felt more and more rejected, as if my father didn't want to see me, or didn't love me, or doesn't think that i'm a man or a good son. turns out he just couldn't hear his phone. haha, sometimes i over react, it was in part due to reading all of don millers feeling about fathers. we did finally talk, but schedules conflicted so we didn't get to see each other until about 10 that night, when we got some food and talked. it was good. it was what i needed. he said he was kind of lonely, and that was hard for me to hear. i can' imagine being married for 25 years and always having someone there for you, then just having it gone. i remember how after i broke up with my last girlfriend i was lonely and missed her. it was the right thing to do and i'm glad i did it, but i missed having "that". we didn't even date for 6 months, but it was hard to be alone after that. 25 years. my gosh. i don't know how you'd recover from that.
so i thought i was doing alright with this, but suppose i'm not. i don't see how anyone can be expected to handle this kind of thing well. it really bothers me, no, it just flat out pisses me off, when i tell people why they're getting divorced, then they tell me how they don't think that it is right, that it isn't okay for my parents to be doing that, and what the bible says about such things. i don't need to hear that. it's the worst thing that someone could say to me, and i've heard this is in some form many times, even from some of my closest friends who i love a great deal, say things like this. sorry to sound so harsh, but divorce is very common and people need to understand that passing judgement isn't helpful (or even okay). i like hearing people say "that sucks" because it does. i remember after telling josiah stumbo his response was "man i'm sorry. that sucks". it was what i needed to hear from a friend. i don't want my folks to slit up, and telling me it's wrong is very hurtful. don't you think that i'm not okay with it to began with? tell me it sucks, that's great, i know the bible (and i'm paraphrasing a ton) says it's good to mourn with those who mourn, cry with those who cry.
this is why i got my last tattoo. it's a bit corny to get a tattoo for such reasons, but even through all of this i know G-d is good, and that he is working even the shittiest of situations to the good of me because i love him, and he is worthy of my praise.

sorry this was so personal. it's been on my mind alot. it helps me to write this stuff out. prayer?

sorry ya'll, another entry about trying to be like jesus

i wonder if will we feel foolish for not showing love to those around us when this is all over. i'm starting to learn that i should love people and accept them no matter what. i don't need to find out if they believe the right things, or live the right way, or do this or act like that or any such thing! when i look at jesus, i don't see a man who is constantly deciding if people are good enough, or have right ideas and live them out, NO! i see a man who shows people love, and embraces them regardless. i'm bad at interact with people i don't know. i need to learn how to do this because jesus did this. i find my self judging people, and afraid of them at the same time. what if i just embraced them for who they are, and if they don't like me, then that isn't my problem, i've done my part, and my part is all i can do. when i look at jesus, i see a man who isn't concerned very much about peoples beliefs, but just hangs with them. he lived correctly, and i think that when people saw him both living correctly and also loving people fully, then the people (these are the same people i often reject) who aren't living right, or have wacky idea's that aren't in line with the bible, want to change and to be like christ because they see that this works. they see jesus being real, and living real because jesus lived the way he was made to live. people want this. i think that every single person deep deep down wants the truth more than they want anything (equalled to wanting to be loved). even the people who spend their who lives screaming the exact opposite of everything i believe, deep down want truth just as much i want truth. it is easy to cover this desire with pride or shame or whatever, but i want truth, we all do. i have a good friend who got really drunk and he told me that "jesus is the truth". even when you are shitfaced, you still want this. jesus is the truth, he embodied it, and i want that. i want so badly to be like him. i hate that i'm not. i hate it so much i'm willing to let go of all the crass in my life that isn't of him. we fail at this, we fuck up and fall, but really, we all of this desire to be in the truth; in the warm embrace of the Fathers love and his right (and righteous)ways. holding onto things that are lies, which we do, i do, gets old real fast when you get close to the truth of Christ. i want to share this with people. i do not want to use words. i'm so damn tired of seeing Christians giving homeless people food and a gospel message (even more so when it is only the message. don't you know that the food is the real message of christ!?! it is. "faith without deeds is dead". faith isn't simply saying the right words, it is loving actions. i want to live like christ, and have people see the gospel through my life, not my words. words are easy. it write them here all the time, and it takes little to no effort at all. but living for something as perfect and holy as christ is hard, but it is my deepest desire. G-d said he'd give me my deepest desire and this is it: to be like jesus. there is nothing else. just love, just truth.

i wish i could just push a button, like some in an old movie that is big and red and has a clear cover over that you have to lift before you can push it so you don't accidentally press it, and i'd push this button and rid my life of everything that isn't of christ. but i can't, and what is worse, i don't always know what is right and what is not. however!, i do know more than i live. what i mean by this is that i know what i should do more that what i do, so i figure if i just do what's right when i know i should, that'll be more than enough for me to work on for now.

summary: love G-d, love people, let go of yourself and do everything you can do to be like christ. you do this by loving G-d, loving people and letting go of yourself.

blessings and peace be with you.

more answers than questions, and not in a good "that all makes sense to me" way.

it is 3 in the morning, this is what is on my mind:

why can't i get a straight answer in this religion? ask 10 different christians one question, and almost everything response, if not all, will be very different. things as basic as salvation people say lots of different things about what is required to be saved. tonight i asked a man about something and he gave me a good answer, one that i would not disagree with, but now i can't stop think about all the contradiction in this "faith" of mine (ours). i hate it. more than anything it causes me to want to leave it altogether. i'm so tired of hearing all these different anwsers. and it isn't like christianity is some beautiful mosaic of truths, we're a fucking mess and we don't know a goddamn thing. everything thinks they have all the answers and know the truth entirely. i want to quit. it depresses me to hear about two churches doing two polar opposite things, but both proclaim that their way is the true way. isn't someone wrong? or is anything anyone labels as "true" gospel truth? no no, i don't believe that. i hate that i feel like i can't trust what anyone says, and i do honestly feel this way. i can't stand it. i try to discern what i believe from scripture alone, but there is so much there, and so many ways to look at things. "when jesus said this, he really meant this", or "this command was only meant for so and so, back when and when". i hate it. these feeling are a bit exaggerated right now because i'm so tired and when i write everything sounds worse than it really is most of the time, but i can't shake this feeling. it makes me want to just get a car and drive around the country and not think about such things.

to yet again quote mewithoutYou,

"If I ask the same questions. Well maybe I repeat myself from time to time, But it's because everyone who answers me is a liar." ,

i wish it was like this: question+anwser=true, however it is more like:
question < answers=???

(another post w/o proof reading, sorry about any mistakes in either spelling, grammar or theology)