persons and directions and i'm sorry only when i mean it

it rained on saturday. it was a mess outside. i felt so safe in my car, dry and warm. it's not like it used to be on the bike wishing i had gloves with my clothing totally wet, riding fast at night on those portland streets trying to be some place that wasn't there - at least not then. it's, digressed, reverted, been undone. with the emptiness, there came a much realer fullness. now (if there is such a thing at all) there is a fullness that comes with an emptiness, a trade off. downgrading. it shouldn't be like that. it should be like change for a permanence. i remember ryan daffon talking about living sacrifices and how the problem with that is they can, at any point they feel so inclined, get off that alter, walk off, and enjoy a natural american spirit, because marlboro's are sub-par, and they 'cos stopped making lucky strikes (filtered). all that wisdom goes unsaid, but clearly remembered. not all the details, but the feeling is there when i make my mind feel it. such passion, so ready to do something, but without leadership and encouragement: loss of interest. you can only read a bible passage so many times before you get bored with it and decided that kerouac is funny and interesting and this is the natural order of things, but backwards, but natural all the same. like how the willamette river flows the other way(when contrasted to most rivers who all seem very normal indeed). so what is to be said? "i'm sorry" - but am i. i remember when i was a child, doing something wrong to my brother and my mom making me say "sorry" to him, and it'd say "sorry", but with such a strong bent of the sound of no meaning to that, or those, word(s) at all. i'd be forced to say it again, "meaning" it, so i learned how to lie. it you sound go, but hold bitterness in your heart, people will be just fine with that, or fine enough with that to let you go play with your legos or some other such thing. so, i don't want to say sorry unless i am sorry. and sometimes i am, sometime i am full off regret and aarons "no rowing could out run the wrong i've done" burns like hell in my mind, but then there are those other times where i wish i was in salem, like i spent last year: working two part times jobs, not going to church really, smoking and cussing and doing things that i swore were "fine!!! - i swear", but come on!, no more of these put offs, dancing around the half truths like chaz grant and i did when we went camping in washington state on a quest to buy fireworks last summer in nothing but maybe one sock. i was very sincere about embracing truth last term, i don't know why my desire chose to run after the wind the way i do, and i do! bullshit! (oh wait, no, can't say that, it's not pure, and it's not!, i believe this, how it's how i feel. it is! i feel like it is bullshit. but i also feel i shouldn't say "bullshit" because it's not right to say bullshit at all. i need to express my thoughts, it's not madness. (maybe it is). and i don't want to, don't choose to, believe that it is all about moderation, that it's okay to express yourself in one such way, but not another, when you are expressing the same exact thing, with different words. who makes words evil, not G-d. does HE say saying bullshit is evil? it's perfectly okay to say "darn it", when what i am expressing is "may the it be condemned to eternal hell", but saying "bullshit", which is saying some thing's value or worth is equal to the excrement of a cow. can you see the source of my confusion? i cannot. but i can see some of it's causes.) i don't know about all this change. maybe all this change is good, because with my former mindset, i'd have ended up in a alley, sleeping with nothing to my name, with that emptiness that frees you enough to find fulfillment. what a grand trade off. it's like it's like listening to modest mouse over mewithoutYou. easier, but cheated. i know what is up, enough to start in the right! direction. but i'm tired and it was getting uncomfortable losing myself in G-d. so i bought a cd and a fast food meal and it left me deaf and hungry. lame, i know.

"can you drink from this cup", "hell yes, bring it!". but the waiting took to long, you know, like waiting in the dentists office with magazines that are three years old, bored, knowing the waiting will end, but not wanting to stay, NO!, it's more like being in a big hurry, and buying a coffee and it's taking way longer than you thought,so even tho you've already paid, you leave. you just walk outta that starbucks, because you are in a hurry, and they didn't understand how valuable your time is. (you swear you'll not go back until you think thing've changed). you get to where you thought you needed to be, and you find out, once you've gotten there, that you are bored as hell! "sheeeeuut, i should've waited for that coffee, it's cold here, and having a warm drink would help to pass the time. this hell makes me feel so damn lonely, isolation (all the while picturing that part of river-front park, the half circle as the bottom of the amphitheatre, the stage part, on a cold fall morning having skipped class with your best friend and gotten breakfast, but now he's no where, and you're now here and it's empty.)".

however you look at it, person a. was heading in direction 1. and felt very good about it, quite confident that this was right (in a way that shows the beauty of absolute truth), it was hard, but it gave a sense of purpose and meaning and love and joy and brokenness (the good kind, see matt 5-ish, and luke 7 something or other), but for no difineable reason (person a. might tell you that his parents got divorced, which is in fact true, in this strange period of time, and that effected him greatly, another truth, and thus this is the reason that he was (or did) reverted the direction 2. (which will be explained shortly), but this would NOTNOTNOTNOTNOTNOTNOT be true - lies!) he reverted to direction 2.: not caring a whole lot, tho not having abandoned truth, no longer proclaiming it, no longer admonition those who calm it and only half follow it (ironically just as peron a. is doing not, entirely half heartedly), no longer caring about being simple and thus free in this respect, but now disregarding the laws (in a moderate way that makes person a. feels like he's done nothing wrong at all - except one time, and that freaked him out (unsaid reason for writing)), spending money on possessions he'd like to own, reading great things but not enough of that perfect writing, sleeping too late and missing appointed times to be at appointed places, not talking much to his mother, father, or brother, or certain friends, not for reasons of bitterness, but because it isn't as easy as other things, not making an effort to embrace life where he goes to school, but running to the comfort of home most weekends, wishing he would forget the life (direction 1. perhaps) he was called to and simply live by himself, or maybe one or two very select friends, in an apartment, working a simple job, like pizza or coffee, something he did while going in direction 2. (it should be funny to know that he went in direction 2. before he ever went in direction 1., which is his main reason for believing in a sinful nature), and sleeping rather than praying.

it's hard. madness would be a fun trip, but it wouldn't last. i can't just step out of what i feel is truth, no matter how much i'd enjoy that. that sounds horrible, "how dare you say you don't love every damn thing about the christian life!!!", but remember i don't say i'm sorry unless i feel it, and feeling this.

it's confusing and all. and i'm okay. i'm not great, not by any means, but not horrible either. feeling very, peaceful, and a bit of madness, not the former kind tho.

"in your heart there's a spark that just screams for a love to bring a child to your chest... and love all you have left, like your boy used to be, long ago"