i had a hard weekend. it started on friday, well, the provoking of the hard weekend, not the real reason of why my weekend was hard. on friday, two of my friends asked me how i was doing with things with my parents (they are, um, not so married these days, to put it mildly), and i was all like, "oh, i'd doing alright, i mean it sucks but i'm okay". yeah turns out i'm not. i hate knowing that they are both alone. i hate waking up in my house knowing my dad isn't there. i hate when i have to tell my folks something it means two phone calls. i remember the days when i could tell either mom or dad something and by the next day they but know whatever information i had relayed. i can't stand how calm they seem about everything. i left salem at midnight on friday night to go home, and they whole way i thought about these things. i'm re-reading don millers book "to own a dragon", and it is about growing up without a father. it makes me realize how much i need my dad. i love my mom very much, but i don't feel like i need her. i need my father. we were supposed to have lunch on saturday and i couldn't get ahold of him. i called him three times and each time i felt more and more rejected, as if my father didn't want to see me, or didn't love me, or doesn't think that i'm a man or a good son. turns out he just couldn't hear his phone. haha, sometimes i over react, it was in part due to reading all of don millers feeling about fathers. we did finally talk, but schedules conflicted so we didn't get to see each other until about 10 that night, when we got some food and talked. it was good. it was what i needed. he said he was kind of lonely, and that was hard for me to hear. i can' imagine being married for 25 years and always having someone there for you, then just having it gone. i remember how after i broke up with my last girlfriend i was lonely and missed her. it was the right thing to do and i'm glad i did it, but i missed having "that". we didn't even date for 6 months, but it was hard to be alone after that. 25 years. my gosh. i don't know how you'd recover from that.
so i thought i was doing alright with this, but suppose i'm not. i don't see how anyone can be expected to handle this kind of thing well. it really bothers me, no, it just flat out pisses me off, when i tell people why they're getting divorced, then they tell me how they don't think that it is right, that it isn't okay for my parents to be doing that, and what the bible says about such things. i don't need to hear that. it's the worst thing that someone could say to me, and i've heard this is in some form many times, even from some of my closest friends who i love a great deal, say things like this. sorry to sound so harsh, but divorce is very common and people need to understand that passing judgement isn't helpful (or even okay). i like hearing people say "that sucks" because it does. i remember after telling josiah stumbo his response was "man i'm sorry. that sucks". it was what i needed to hear from a friend. i don't want my folks to slit up, and telling me it's wrong is very hurtful. don't you think that i'm not okay with it to began with? tell me it sucks, that's great, i know the bible (and i'm paraphrasing a ton) says it's good to mourn with those who mourn, cry with those who cry.
this is why i got my last tattoo. it's a bit corny to get a tattoo for such reasons, but even through all of this i know G-d is good, and that he is working even the shittiest of situations to the good of me because i love him, and he is worthy of my praise.
sorry this was so personal. it's been on my mind alot. it helps me to write this stuff out. prayer?
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