give up!

i'm in LA. it's spring break for me, so i thought i'd come down here to see my good friend javier. it's been fun so far. LA is not a place i'd want to live tho. it's too big and dirty and just falls short of oregon in so many ways. all you oregon kids have a great place to live. sure it can be wet, but it beats the smog and the summers are sure nice.
last night we went to a church that meets in a bar. it was good. it reminded me of "the way", but i still liked it. at some point in my recent history i really stopped caring as much as i once did or as i ought to. like, i haven't or didn't stop loving G-d or anything, but i didn't really care much to pursue him and his ways. last semester i was all about living simply and being real and following and such, but somehow i kind of lost that passion. what bullshit man, man! so last night was good 'cos i prayed about these things and i do want to follow christ will all of me. i hate my way of life so much, i realized how utterly dependant i am on my G-d. the preacher fellow spoke about how little children were viewed in the 1st century as pretty worthless and dependant. this is why jesus says we could receive the kingdom of G-d as little children do, with an understanding that this is our only option. i often think that without G-d i'd be okay, i'd find another way to get by and largely i am using another way other than his to get by. this is no good at all! what a damn fool am i. i wish it was as easy as saying the words without having to do the work and commit to such things to be G-dly. i don't think we are condemned to always be wollowing in our sin incapable of ever doing any good. i think that G-d thru christ jesus empowers us to freedom. we don't have to do evil any more. we can be freed from self, but it isn't easy, it isn't just saying "water" and having your thirst met. it's a life of running in such a way as to win the prize as paul might say.

run run run take a drag or two. no, that right. naw, just give yourself up. i don't know about you kids, but i get so frig'n tired of myself, what i mean by that is i get so tired of caring about myself. it is such a worthless thing to do when you know how good G-d is and how good the life he has for you is.

my goodness tho, that life isn't anything like what the life i'd have picked out for myself would look like. thank G-d for that, his ways are higher than my own.

(didn't feel like proof-reading, sorry, i do hate the sound of my own voice)