become a fruit

it's just past midnight and i am at my moms house. i went outside to get somethings outta my car because i'm spending the night here, and i was struck by how nice it felt to be outside this late and only in shorts. i wanted to walk around the lake like that, just shorts, no shoes or shirt, and i remembered all the times in the cold months, about a year and a half ago, i'd walk around the lake in my coat smoking, thinking, and listening to music, usually this one bright eyes song that i hardly ever listen to when i'm not walking around the lake, but in all those cold months i remember being depressed. tonight felt different and i'm struck by how it's like the situation has changed, it's warm, i'm not hiding behind all those clothes, and i feel joy. it doesn't have anything to do with some kind of seasonal depression, but rather how i feel close to G-d. i only listened to derek webb today, if you don't know who he is, he's one of my favorite song writers and he's a christian, his stuff is very encouraging and real, the way mewithoutyou feels REAL to me. i reflected on G-d's truth and who he is and who i am in him and prayed and felt at peace. right now, in this place, i love it because with this closeness comes a knowing that i am loved, and that He only wants the best things for me and that if i give up the smallest thing for His kingdom's sake, he knows it and it pleases him greatly. it's hard to express. it's like trying to say how it feels to be in love. but it's more than that, G-d is so much more infinite that a person, so much better. i wish i could always live in this place. last night josiah, jav, bryn and i talked about the fruit of the spirit and we seemed to reach the conclusion (or this is what i felt i learned) that you don't get that fruit in leaves, and they come from the spirit and if we are in the spirit we have them entirely, however the tricky part in submitting to G-d's spirit and staying there. but i feel encouraged because right now i know i have them, i feel them, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness. it's awesome, and i know it's not me. i cannot, by my own power, become good. it is NOT in me. my only hope, and i mean that, my only hope is to submit myself to christ, and let him change me. the one thing i can do is lay myself aside and choose him. i keep thinking "i wish i could always be in the spirit like this", and i can be, it's a very possible option, how i love the darkness and my sin so, like a dog returning to it's own vomit, i'll go back to my old ways. but i can always choose Christ, and as a grow in him, that choice will become easier and a more frequented avenue. i want that so bad right now, and when i don't want it, i want to want it, and that's good. i notice that as i draw near to G-d, my desire to sin goes way down, i just don't want that crass when i have something so much better.

sorry, i don't mean to ramble on about how good i'm doing, but i feel like i've just come out of a very hard season in my life, and now seeing G-d again so clearly, i just want to talk about him and what he's working in me.

sorry about the lame headline, i felt a should put something relevent, altho stupid entirely.

here is a derek webb some i like. enjoy!