this is what is up, gangster.

today i got caught up in... i dont know, this world, or my life or my self for something. anyhow, i got the best cell phone i could find for christmas, and a sweater. that kinda makes me mad that i'm getting new things, i don't need any of them. i guess my old phone was dying, but i didn't really need a phone that plays music and has (a frig'n sweet) camera. then i got scared that i don't have a girl. talking to one of my best friends for most all of the day about his dealings with girls made me think about how badly i miss having a girlfriend. and rather than just having a girlfriend, how badly i'd like to just be married. about a month ago, i was talking with two of the guys in my dorm about how they really want that, and how i stated, and i meant it when i said it, that i wasn't lonely really, nor did i want to be in that sort of relationship. maybe it's because i'm home seeing old place and people, or seeing some my friends with their girlfriends, or maybe because of all that is going on with my family, but now i just wish i wasn't alone. and i'm scared as hell that i'll go after a girl just because i don't want to feel lonely or because i want to be vindicated. that's no basis for a relationship.

yet again i find myself wanting escape from all this and wanting instead just a car and maybe a traveling buddy and to be on the road. however, running is no good at all. i just run after G-d, but it is like 2:15 in the morning, so what i'll most likely do instead is walk around the lake by my house, listen to bright eyes and smoke, then take a shower and go to sleep. i might mutter a prayer someplace in there.

but yeah, i got kinda freaked out. then i felt this sense of peace that everything will be okay. i don't have to kick and scream and fight for G-ds blessing. He loves me and i need to understand that. if i just do what he wants, everything will be tip-top. it's all a matter of letting go of myself. dang, i shouldn't have gotten that cellphone. i'm listening to bright eyes on it right now. but i'm letting go of myself! kinda. slowly. i'd like to anyhow.

um, does anyone else feel just a bit conflicted?

Silencer

Don't waste your lips on words I've heard before
Kiss my tired head.
And each letter written wastes your hand,
young man Come and lead me to your bed
You gave me hope that I'd not lost her
And then thought it rather strange to see me smile-
As I don't do too much smiling these days.
She put on happiness like a loose dress
Over pain I'll never know
"So the peace you had," she says,
"I must confess, I'm glad to see it go."
We're two white roses lying frozen
just outside his door
I've made you so happy and so sad,
But which should I be more sorry for?
Come kiss my face goodbye,
That space below my eye and above my cheek
Cause I'm faint and fading fast,
I see a darkness And I shall be released.
I'll pass like a fever from this body,
And softly slip into his hands
I tried to love you and I failed,
But I have another plan.
My Lord, how long to sing this song?
And my Lord, how much more of this pretending to be strong?
When she stands before your throne
Dressed in beauty not her own All soft and small,
you'll hear her call "You brought me here, now take me home."

-mwY

im home from school for winter break. i think i lived thru all my finals. it's nice being home. it's kinda weird too. lots of stuff has changed since i moved to multnomah. it doesn't seem like everyone is doing too well. that is hard for me. i want the people i love to be in a good way 'n all. my brother stopped smoking. thats pretty cool a guess. he gets home on tuesday and i'm glad.

so i want to stop cussing, it is no good at all, but it's really hard. mostly when i'm just mess'n around with my friends it just "comes out", like i don't even think about it. that is no good a'tall! oh well, there is worst things i could be doing that i'm not doing. haha. as if that makes doing something i know i shouldn't be doing okay. there will always be someone who is "worse" than you, so don't be comparing yourself to others. james told me this and its a good think. we're suppose to be like christ, not johnny or billy. yup.

i'm pretty bored right now. it's the first time i've been bored since i've been home. it is nice. i do wish andrew would call so we could go do something. i feel kinda like a loser waiting around for a phone call, but i'm too lazy to call someone else. besides, i should do some "me" reading, or make a hat or sell all my stuff and give to the poor, something cool like that. it'd be better than doing nothing on the internet. however, facebook/myspace/email did provide about 4 mintues of interest. not now tho. at this point in the blog, i'm just typing to type. i should have ended this a long time ago, or better yet, never at all.

i do wanna write about how being simple is what we are called to, but it isn't want we (or at least i) want. if i could tame all my desires...

so, next time, i'll write a better blog that isn't about nothing.

i might ever proofread and spell check that mo fo!

i think sometimes when i write, it all comes out sad and hopeless. i don't like happy music. truth be told, every song that i really like, is depressing. bright eyes, cursive, the good life, elliott smith, pedro the lion are some of my very favorite bands, and none of them are very happy nor hopeful. i have a hard time feeling anything creative that is good "art" is happy. maybe i am depressed. it happens very year at this time the worst. but f all that s! (ian taught me that this stands for "forget all that stuff"). i know G-d loves me. this is the only thing that matters in life. is sounds kinda dumb. "God loves you" the bumper sticker of the '04 honda reads. however, this is something much more real. theG-d that made everything, even my dark emotions, loves me. he thinks i am rad and wants me to do well and be happy when happiness is due, and sad when sadness is due. he's made me both for sure. and i can't get past the fact that he is changing me. he's showing me his truth and his joy. i made the mistake (i guess i'm a holy fool) that i'd only be happy when i'm in him. i feel like if i stray the slighted i loose that joy because i know what is real and when thats gone, everything good is gone and joy be damned when i am. i've always felt hope. i have hope in christ. this is good. i'm content with this. right now i feel okay, and that i will be okay and everything has always been okay and always will be okay.

i rejoice becaue G-d loves me and is changing me.

rejoice.

there's no rest for the lazy.

i have one hard final this week. its in 7 hours. i haven't studied for it. i'm lazy. there's a line in a song that goes "there's no rest for the lazy". being lazy never fufills. but i can't work. i feel like whenever i need to get things done, i always get sad and thus, get nothing done. its hard for me to work when i get sad. gosh, i'm such an emo-fag. oh well. anyhow, i think i've listened well in class, so, perhaps, i can still do well without having to work hard. i want things to be easy. like doing well in school, doing well at work, getting good at the things i'd like to be good at, not sinning, pursuing G-d, finding a girl, i just want things to be easy. i don't think this is good for me. if i only do what is easy, i'll have nothing worth having. i wish i could sleep. i won't tonight. i'll just stay up. i hope i do something good. like at least read the bible for a while, or pray, or some studying.

19 years of fucking about and i still stuggle with learning this truth.

rejoice!
sinners,
fuck-ups,
boys and girls,
happy or sad,
longing or fufilled,
feeling the worst for no reason
i can tell you this,
truth saves you,
the one who loves you
loves you.
so,
rejoice.

from goodwill to seattle with no stops!

well, two, but hey, it was nice.

here is what went down:

andrew, my friend, came to portland to take a zack to the airport, and was a'gonna stay at school with me over night. we went to goodwill and he said "uhh, i want beths". now for you poor unenlightened fools, beths is the greatest place to eat. it doesn't look very clean, it isn't very nice, they play weird music and they are open 24 hrs. its the best food eva! so, i said "lets go!" and we went to seattle, where they keep beths, and it was lovely. best food, worth the $13 that i shouldn't have spent. it was great being able to just talk to andrew about stuff, which always reaffrims how much i like that kid and how well we connect. we slept in the car in some random neighborhood in seattle. we didn't wake up until 11, then we went to whole foods, got coffee and a bit 'o breakfast and headed home. i owe him some money because the place we went for lunch didn't take cards and i had no cash. i should pay that kid back.

it was great.

a and b, not me not me!

today i read (part of) the bible. it was nice. i cannot express how much i need G-d. it kills me. i'd like to just be alone for a week or maybe more and just read the bible, pray, and reflect. this place is such a mess. everyone is taking sides and yelling at each other and there is no unity in christ, and it don't like that none. i feel like i have some vague idea of how the church should be, which is so wonderful, and then i see how we are, and we're so fucked up. since jesus told me that we should a) love G-d, and b) love each other, shouldn't that apply to how the church is to be? i mean, the church is made up of people who follow christ, and christ said this to those who follow him, so i feel that that statement should be our "mission" as a church". he says nothing about our comforts, or big buildings, or anything to do with ourselves, just love G-d and love others. we have failed at this. i have failed at this. and you have failed at this. it kills me. this, more than anything, makes me sad and turns me into an emo-kid. i pretty much just still around and listen to music and think about how hopeless the church seems to be and i feel worse and worse. i have no faith at all. i need to realize that G-d is in control and his will shall be done! its just hard for me to see people (self included) running around saying their deeds are that of Christ, yet every action acted is so damn far from anything good. it kills me.

so, pray for the church, and that G-d would keep working on you (and me!) and that we'd be the bride we need to be.

and rejoice!

(no proof reading was done in the making of this post)

grant is a good man.

on saturday grant drove me back from salem, after the gosling show, to school here in portland. oregon. i didn't really want to be driven back, and i didn't really feel like talking, but grant drove me back and i didn't say nothin about my lack of____. it ended up being a great drive, or a great talk. the drive was nice and all, but talking with grant was rad. we talked about females (it would seem we both want on, but neither one of us thinks it would be the best thing right now), schooling, and i went off about my thoughts on the church. it was so refreshing to just talk about those things and admit i'm not as good as i'd like to be, or once thought i was. i came away with this feeling of having told a friend that i was broken and that we were on a journey and neither one of us have it all figured out.

the words "we're not half as bad as G-d is good" just came thru my headphones. in my darkest and most evil moments, i'm not near as bad or evil or (negative word) as G-d is good. sometimes when i read the bible i want to die because i know i'll never be that good. it scares me. i can't be that good. how the hell can you tell me to be perfect as my father in heaven is perfect?!? i can't do it. and, i can't. it is a pretty basic truth, but without that having realized this, i would still be trying to rely on myself. myself needs to be part of christ. i'm not saying that i can't do any good or and keep myself from sinning, at least in small ways, but i need to become one with Christ. a marriage to him alone will save me. grace is perfect. but grace saved us from death, so how about living? i mean, grace kept us from death, so now that we are alive how do we live? in christ. if you simply take the grace yet reject the life G-d has given you in christ then you have failed. you miss it all. you miss the beauty of being a part of being in the body of chist.

no more of making anything else my idenity! i'm not an american, nor am i a student, or white, or hip or some other bullshit. i'm none of those things. i'm part of christ. christians in the west need to understand this. please, no more patoriatism! it is a lie. we aren't part of any country on this earth! our kingdom is that of G-d, so please believer(!), don't play the harlot and go after the things of this place. i'm so tired of it. i hate seeing my brothers/sisters/self going after such lives with us zeal. for years i'd rather have talk to folks about politics than about the love that saved me, and is changing me! that love is something real, those politics are something breif and false and will come to nothing.

i keep staying up till 3 or 4 in the morning, then taking naps. i've got a pretty jack-up sleeping pattern.

i'm tired now. i slept from 11am-4pm. it was nice. i wish i could sleep as much as i'd like. sleeping is the greatest of all the comforts, more so than music, or eating, or sex (will be...ha).

i need to leave and go some place else. i wanna just hop on a bus and go go go. alas, no money nor time.

1. get better job and make money
2. buy a ticket on a bus and go some place else
3. find contentment and enlightenment in that other place
4. sleep more often
5. get wife

for 8, almost 9 years, things seemed ok, even good

I got a bad email, tho (basicly) expected, then i went to the prayer chapel to be alone, dorms are no good for privicy, and i cried really hard for a good 20 minutes. i was home earlier that day. i went and saw mom and dad, they seemed normal as always, i saw my cat, loud as always, and my friends, um, friendly as always. i got to talk to andrew about things. i don't know what to say about things. i've got no words that offer an explination. i feel like i should have one, or at least tell people what is wrong. there is something wrong. i've only told andrew, bryn, and my brother dylan. i feel so defeated. i dont want to get out of bed, or talk to anyone. talking to people, as least here at school, is really hard to do. i've done a good job of acting normal and pleasent, but gosh-darn i feel like shit. it's not just self-pitty, i'm trying really hard to avoid that, but these things are beyond my control. i feel like a liitle kid and i just want to be with my mom and dad(and dylan), but i know thats not gonna happen. it makes me wonder if this is enough. is this enough? this grace. i keep reading that email, it seems so broken, it broke me to read it, i wonder how the writer must feel. i'd like to make things better, but i dont know if things getting better is an option. i had reason to believe this was coming, but i didn't think it would come this fast. seeing that place, knowing the way things once were and knowing the way they are now, kills me. does this departure make everything that i once knew a lie? was it all bullshit, or did it just go back like milk you let sit too long? i wonder what things will be like in the years to come and all. i cant see myself getting past this or being okay with it.

sorry this all so vague. its not something i'm okay with talking to people who are non-andrew/bryn/dylans at this point. i'm not trying to be dramatic, this is on of the few points in my life my depression is justifed. i just feel a need to epress my feelings. prayer would be nice.

so, rejoice. even in this i can still praise G-d, but goddamnshitfuck it hurts.

i know i would die if i could come back new

they talk big about the void, about being nothing, how everything is nothing and nothingness is everyeveryevery-thing. i think they take that too far. but i think we need to become nothing. however! it is not for the sake of being nothing that we become nothing. we become nothing because the something we had was crass. from crass die. to live, we must die. so, we die. we become thing and in doing so, we become part of the only thing real. we let go of our lives, become nothing and become something real.

to paint something worthy, it is good to have a blank sheet of (whatever you paint on), yo.

i'd like to empty my life off all the things that are fake. right now i've very focused on possessions. i'd like to get ride of most all i have. which is talking big and i'm not sure i'll do that, but i'd like to think it'd be a right thing to do. they're only distractions from things that are real. i'd like to put more focus on G-d, people, learning things that i'd like to learn, and things that are beautiful. that's one of my big problems with those anabaptist kids is they don't seem to value beauty much. or maybe they've let go of this world and found true beauty and i'm too afraid to do that, so i'll walk aroud blind until the day my eyes die.

this weekend i got to see some good friends.
jared. we had a pretty rad talk about girls and such, i kinda told him what i think about voting. then i got to see josiah, but it was hard to talk about stuff i'd have liked to have talked to him about because there were tons 'o folks around, it might have been hard or even awkward to bring up such things that i've had on my heart lately with all the people there, and coming and going.
andrew held me when i was hurting most. i can't express how much that meant to me. how much that made me feel loved. how broken i felt (feel i suppose) but he was simply there and that was the best thing that anyone could have done for me at that point in time.
bryn and i had a few good talks via telephones. i miss him more than i miss anyone, except maybe dylan, but even that is pretty close.
i'm glad ian stayed with me over break, i like that kid alot. he's so rad. i hope he doesn't join the army and just stays at bible college, or maybe we'll become nomads like we've talked about.
javier is strange as ever, and i can't wait for him to move back to oregon. he pointed out that a lot of what i say is from songs. he's the first person to very make that observation about me. i think is song a lot, so i also speak in song quite a bit. mostly mwY.

i'm failing greek and i don't think i care. i just feel awkward seeing people from class since i hardly ever go. i don't see a point to going really. i'm never gonna take a language class again, i'm 3 for 3 on failing those.

i wish i had a week to sit and read and pray without work or school or people. i'd get lonely tho.

rejoice. even when it is all shit because G-d is still G-d and he is good. it all feels like shit right now, but i feel peaceful. i still can't believe this is happening, but i have to ask if it really changes anything at all.

so rejoice you vapor! you mist! rejoice!

we must insist your traffic STOP

i was right, i did get depressed. its like, i've believed a lie and now i've come to realized how that lie has robbed me. i hate it! i hate myself for believing it. i, for a brief moment, saw how damning that lie is, and how the beauty of the truth. yet i keep choosing the lie. not aways and not even often, but its still in my life and i can't stand it. i dont understand why i can't just put that lie to death. it pisses me off and makes me unbearably sad. it isn't knowing how bad the lie is that hurts most, its knowing how good the truth is that causes me the most pain. it is hard to believe that G-d is making me better, that he is really taking all unrighteousness out of me. i'd like to think i'm submitting to him, but then there are those moments that i buy into this bullshit lie that just drive me mad. i wish i could sleep, then i wouldn't have to think about such things.

rejoice.

this is about: how much i slept today, me feeling sorry for myself, prayer, what tomorrow will look like, and a song by cursive.

hey all. its late and i know i'm just going to be put much later. i woke up today at 12 then slept from 2 til 5, and i've had 4 cups of coffee. i have no reason to be up late, but i know it'll happen. i'm starting to feel depressed, this often happens when i'm by myself too much, or with other people too much. i'm all about moderation yo! there are times when i feel totally hopeless, which is something i've never felt before. i've always had a great amount of hope n all, but now that
G-d's been showing me a few new things, its kinda hard to deal with that. i starting to see that i'm not good, and that i'm a very sinful person, which is lame for sure, but i also see these same truths present in the church, which has always been a great source of hope for me. its like nothing is very good and nothing ever will be. i know that's a lie, but it feels real. shit yo! then i start feeling lonely and wish i had a girl or something. having a girl is always nice, it don't feel so damn alone. i don't feel like going and reading my bible and trying to draw near to G-d right now. i'm not sure why, once i do that, i always feel better, but i'm lazy and tired and fuck i've got to reason to not be with him. that is hope for ye masses! G-d.

i'd like to commit some prayers to memory, like those of st. fransis or maybe some budist prayers that could apply to what i believe, or some of the prayer psalms that aren't the ones when davids just bitching (like i'm doing now). i like the idea of muttering the same prayer over and over again. after i read the dharma bums for the first time, i was kinda inspired by it, and i'd sit in the shower with the water as hot as it would go and listen to radioheads "amnesica" and mutter this one prayer over and over again. then mewithoutYou wrote a song that totally contridicts that prayer, but thats beside the point. the repitition of that prayer was good for me. i felt good about it. i'm also a fan of "active" prayer, but that kind of passive repitition prayer is rad.

i'm looking forward to tomorrow. i'm getting up at 8 am, riding my bike the Imago Dei (church), then to brian and monicas for that church gethering, then i'm hanging out with amanda after that at some point. G-d is good and i cannot get past that. its hard to live in that light.

um, these are the words to one of my favorite songs. its called "staying alive" and its by "cursive", one of my favorite bands i've ever done hear. i just would like to share these words with you, the reader of my internet blog.

song:

I've decided tonight I'm staying alive
Just kicking and screaming
Blood boiling and streaming
There are things far too dark to comprehend
Sleep on it one more night
My sad old friend

(Doo do Doo do Doo do)

The worst is over

is this thing on?

test. testing. does this thing work? hello? damn...