i know i would die if i could come back new

they talk big about the void, about being nothing, how everything is nothing and nothingness is everyeveryevery-thing. i think they take that too far. but i think we need to become nothing. however! it is not for the sake of being nothing that we become nothing. we become nothing because the something we had was crass. from crass die. to live, we must die. so, we die. we become thing and in doing so, we become part of the only thing real. we let go of our lives, become nothing and become something real.

to paint something worthy, it is good to have a blank sheet of (whatever you paint on), yo.

i'd like to empty my life off all the things that are fake. right now i've very focused on possessions. i'd like to get ride of most all i have. which is talking big and i'm not sure i'll do that, but i'd like to think it'd be a right thing to do. they're only distractions from things that are real. i'd like to put more focus on G-d, people, learning things that i'd like to learn, and things that are beautiful. that's one of my big problems with those anabaptist kids is they don't seem to value beauty much. or maybe they've let go of this world and found true beauty and i'm too afraid to do that, so i'll walk aroud blind until the day my eyes die.

this weekend i got to see some good friends.
jared. we had a pretty rad talk about girls and such, i kinda told him what i think about voting. then i got to see josiah, but it was hard to talk about stuff i'd have liked to have talked to him about because there were tons 'o folks around, it might have been hard or even awkward to bring up such things that i've had on my heart lately with all the people there, and coming and going.
andrew held me when i was hurting most. i can't express how much that meant to me. how much that made me feel loved. how broken i felt (feel i suppose) but he was simply there and that was the best thing that anyone could have done for me at that point in time.
bryn and i had a few good talks via telephones. i miss him more than i miss anyone, except maybe dylan, but even that is pretty close.
i'm glad ian stayed with me over break, i like that kid alot. he's so rad. i hope he doesn't join the army and just stays at bible college, or maybe we'll become nomads like we've talked about.
javier is strange as ever, and i can't wait for him to move back to oregon. he pointed out that a lot of what i say is from songs. he's the first person to very make that observation about me. i think is song a lot, so i also speak in song quite a bit. mostly mwY.

i'm failing greek and i don't think i care. i just feel awkward seeing people from class since i hardly ever go. i don't see a point to going really. i'm never gonna take a language class again, i'm 3 for 3 on failing those.

i wish i had a week to sit and read and pray without work or school or people. i'd get lonely tho.

rejoice. even when it is all shit because G-d is still G-d and he is good. it all feels like shit right now, but i feel peaceful. i still can't believe this is happening, but i have to ask if it really changes anything at all.

so rejoice you vapor! you mist! rejoice!