i think sometimes when i write, it all comes out sad and hopeless. i don't like happy music. truth be told, every song that i really like, is depressing. bright eyes, cursive, the good life, elliott smith, pedro the lion are some of my very favorite bands, and none of them are very happy nor hopeful. i have a hard time feeling anything creative that is good "art" is happy. maybe i am depressed. it happens very year at this time the worst. but f all that s! (ian taught me that this stands for "forget all that stuff"). i know G-d loves me. this is the only thing that matters in life. is sounds kinda dumb. "God loves you" the bumper sticker of the '04 honda reads. however, this is something much more real. theG-d that made everything, even my dark emotions, loves me. he thinks i am rad and wants me to do well and be happy when happiness is due, and sad when sadness is due. he's made me both for sure. and i can't get past the fact that he is changing me. he's showing me his truth and his joy. i made the mistake (i guess i'm a holy fool) that i'd only be happy when i'm in him. i feel like if i stray the slighted i loose that joy because i know what is real and when thats gone, everything good is gone and joy be damned when i am. i've always felt hope. i have hope in christ. this is good. i'm content with this. right now i feel okay, and that i will be okay and everything has always been okay and always will be okay.

i rejoice becaue G-d loves me and is changing me.

rejoice.