for 8, almost 9 years, things seemed ok, even good

I got a bad email, tho (basicly) expected, then i went to the prayer chapel to be alone, dorms are no good for privicy, and i cried really hard for a good 20 minutes. i was home earlier that day. i went and saw mom and dad, they seemed normal as always, i saw my cat, loud as always, and my friends, um, friendly as always. i got to talk to andrew about things. i don't know what to say about things. i've got no words that offer an explination. i feel like i should have one, or at least tell people what is wrong. there is something wrong. i've only told andrew, bryn, and my brother dylan. i feel so defeated. i dont want to get out of bed, or talk to anyone. talking to people, as least here at school, is really hard to do. i've done a good job of acting normal and pleasent, but gosh-darn i feel like shit. it's not just self-pitty, i'm trying really hard to avoid that, but these things are beyond my control. i feel like a liitle kid and i just want to be with my mom and dad(and dylan), but i know thats not gonna happen. it makes me wonder if this is enough. is this enough? this grace. i keep reading that email, it seems so broken, it broke me to read it, i wonder how the writer must feel. i'd like to make things better, but i dont know if things getting better is an option. i had reason to believe this was coming, but i didn't think it would come this fast. seeing that place, knowing the way things once were and knowing the way they are now, kills me. does this departure make everything that i once knew a lie? was it all bullshit, or did it just go back like milk you let sit too long? i wonder what things will be like in the years to come and all. i cant see myself getting past this or being okay with it.

sorry this all so vague. its not something i'm okay with talking to people who are non-andrew/bryn/dylans at this point. i'm not trying to be dramatic, this is on of the few points in my life my depression is justifed. i just feel a need to epress my feelings. prayer would be nice.

so, rejoice. even in this i can still praise G-d, but goddamnshitfuck it hurts.