today i got caught up in... i dont know, this world, or my life or my self for something. anyhow, i got the best cell phone i could find for christmas, and a sweater. that kinda makes me mad that i'm getting new things, i don't need any of them. i guess my old phone was dying, but i didn't really need a phone that plays music and has (a frig'n sweet) camera. then i got scared that i don't have a girl. talking to one of my best friends for most all of the day about his dealings with girls made me think about how badly i miss having a girlfriend. and rather than just having a girlfriend, how badly i'd like to just be married. about a month ago, i was talking with two of the guys in my dorm about how they really want that, and how i stated, and i meant it when i said it, that i wasn't lonely really, nor did i want to be in that sort of relationship. maybe it's because i'm home seeing old place and people, or seeing some my friends with their girlfriends, or maybe because of all that is going on with my family, but now i just wish i wasn't alone. and i'm scared as hell that i'll go after a girl just because i don't want to feel lonely or because i want to be vindicated. that's no basis for a relationship.
yet again i find myself wanting escape from all this and wanting instead just a car and maybe a traveling buddy and to be on the road. however, running is no good at all. i just run after G-d, but it is like 2:15 in the morning, so what i'll most likely do instead is walk around the lake by my house, listen to bright eyes and smoke, then take a shower and go to sleep. i might mutter a prayer someplace in there.
but yeah, i got kinda freaked out. then i felt this sense of peace that everything will be okay. i don't have to kick and scream and fight for G-ds blessing. He loves me and i need to understand that. if i just do what he wants, everything will be tip-top. it's all a matter of letting go of myself. dang, i shouldn't have gotten that cellphone. i'm listening to bright eyes on it right now. but i'm letting go of myself! kinda. slowly. i'd like to anyhow.
um, does anyone else feel just a bit conflicted?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
i know...
i love you lucas. don't forget it. confliction.
Oh Lucas. I know exactly what you're saying. You took the words right out of my heart. Except with the letting go part. I'm still a long way from that, but I'm trying. It's so so hard. I'll be praying for you =)
Post a Comment