hey all. its late and i know i'm just going to be put much later. i woke up today at 12 then slept from 2 til 5, and i've had 4 cups of coffee. i have no reason to be up late, but i know it'll happen. i'm starting to feel depressed, this often happens when i'm by myself too much, or with other people too much. i'm all about moderation yo! there are times when i feel totally hopeless, which is something i've never felt before. i've always had a great amount of hope n all, but now that
G-d's been showing me a few new things, its kinda hard to deal with that. i starting to see that i'm not good, and that i'm a very sinful person, which is lame for sure, but i also see these same truths present in the church, which has always been a great source of hope for me. its like nothing is very good and nothing ever will be. i know that's a lie, but it feels real. shit yo! then i start feeling lonely and wish i had a girl or something. having a girl is always nice, it don't feel so damn alone. i don't feel like going and reading my bible and trying to draw near to G-d right now. i'm not sure why, once i do that, i always feel better, but i'm lazy and tired and fuck i've got to reason to not be with him. that is hope for ye masses! G-d.
i'd like to commit some prayers to memory, like those of st. fransis or maybe some budist prayers that could apply to what i believe, or some of the prayer psalms that aren't the ones when davids just bitching (like i'm doing now). i like the idea of muttering the same prayer over and over again. after i read the dharma bums for the first time, i was kinda inspired by it, and i'd sit in the shower with the water as hot as it would go and listen to radioheads "amnesica" and mutter this one prayer over and over again. then mewithoutYou wrote a song that totally contridicts that prayer, but thats beside the point. the repitition of that prayer was good for me. i felt good about it. i'm also a fan of "active" prayer, but that kind of passive repitition prayer is rad.
i'm looking forward to tomorrow. i'm getting up at 8 am, riding my bike the Imago Dei (church), then to brian and monicas for that church gethering, then i'm hanging out with amanda after that at some point. G-d is good and i cannot get past that. its hard to live in that light.
um, these are the words to one of my favorite songs. its called "staying alive" and its by "cursive", one of my favorite bands i've ever done hear. i just would like to share these words with you, the reader of my internet blog.
song:
I've decided tonight I'm staying alive
Just kicking and screaming
Blood boiling and streaming
There are things far too dark to comprehend
Sleep on it one more night
My sad old friend
(Doo do Doo do Doo do)
The worst is over
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1 comment:
i like that you are a writer of psalms. we all should be. it's ok to lament about the things that aren't right. i love you.
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