grant is a good man.

on saturday grant drove me back from salem, after the gosling show, to school here in portland. oregon. i didn't really want to be driven back, and i didn't really feel like talking, but grant drove me back and i didn't say nothin about my lack of____. it ended up being a great drive, or a great talk. the drive was nice and all, but talking with grant was rad. we talked about females (it would seem we both want on, but neither one of us thinks it would be the best thing right now), schooling, and i went off about my thoughts on the church. it was so refreshing to just talk about those things and admit i'm not as good as i'd like to be, or once thought i was. i came away with this feeling of having told a friend that i was broken and that we were on a journey and neither one of us have it all figured out.

the words "we're not half as bad as G-d is good" just came thru my headphones. in my darkest and most evil moments, i'm not near as bad or evil or (negative word) as G-d is good. sometimes when i read the bible i want to die because i know i'll never be that good. it scares me. i can't be that good. how the hell can you tell me to be perfect as my father in heaven is perfect?!? i can't do it. and, i can't. it is a pretty basic truth, but without that having realized this, i would still be trying to rely on myself. myself needs to be part of christ. i'm not saying that i can't do any good or and keep myself from sinning, at least in small ways, but i need to become one with Christ. a marriage to him alone will save me. grace is perfect. but grace saved us from death, so how about living? i mean, grace kept us from death, so now that we are alive how do we live? in christ. if you simply take the grace yet reject the life G-d has given you in christ then you have failed. you miss it all. you miss the beauty of being a part of being in the body of chist.

no more of making anything else my idenity! i'm not an american, nor am i a student, or white, or hip or some other bullshit. i'm none of those things. i'm part of christ. christians in the west need to understand this. please, no more patoriatism! it is a lie. we aren't part of any country on this earth! our kingdom is that of G-d, so please believer(!), don't play the harlot and go after the things of this place. i'm so tired of it. i hate seeing my brothers/sisters/self going after such lives with us zeal. for years i'd rather have talk to folks about politics than about the love that saved me, and is changing me! that love is something real, those politics are something breif and false and will come to nothing.

i keep staying up till 3 or 4 in the morning, then taking naps. i've got a pretty jack-up sleeping pattern.

i'm tired now. i slept from 11am-4pm. it was nice. i wish i could sleep as much as i'd like. sleeping is the greatest of all the comforts, more so than music, or eating, or sex (will be...ha).

i need to leave and go some place else. i wanna just hop on a bus and go go go. alas, no money nor time.

1. get better job and make money
2. buy a ticket on a bus and go some place else
3. find contentment and enlightenment in that other place
4. sleep more often
5. get wife