this is about my feeling about school, pretty much

i'm sitting in a cafe with nothing better to do than listen to records and read books and it's a beautiful thing and all. it's very calm in this place. i'd like most of all to live in a house or apartment and just work (not too much tho) without having the distraction of school, because i learn more without it i'm sorry to say, and learn to write proper like, and read lots of books and learn about G-d and get to know him better. i've found bible college to not bad but not real good either. it's not the school fault, it's just how i've reacted to it, i'm a foolish want to be rebel or some fool-hearted foolishness like that. it's hard for me to be here tho. the idea of just learning these things without the 20 grand a year would be nice, without the bible college environment (it feels fake sometimes). i'd like to live with my mom, i dont' like that she's in that big house all alone, tho she has good friends and all, i still don't like it much, her being alone. i've never liked school, and it's just getting harder and it's being coming clearer that school in itself is quite foolish in many respects. did you ever see the movie "goodwill hunting" where the main fellow says to some smart-alick who went to a very prestigious and expensive university that he could have gotten the same education for like 1.50 in late fees at the public library. it's like that.

persons and directions and i'm sorry only when i mean it

it rained on saturday. it was a mess outside. i felt so safe in my car, dry and warm. it's not like it used to be on the bike wishing i had gloves with my clothing totally wet, riding fast at night on those portland streets trying to be some place that wasn't there - at least not then. it's, digressed, reverted, been undone. with the emptiness, there came a much realer fullness. now (if there is such a thing at all) there is a fullness that comes with an emptiness, a trade off. downgrading. it shouldn't be like that. it should be like change for a permanence. i remember ryan daffon talking about living sacrifices and how the problem with that is they can, at any point they feel so inclined, get off that alter, walk off, and enjoy a natural american spirit, because marlboro's are sub-par, and they 'cos stopped making lucky strikes (filtered). all that wisdom goes unsaid, but clearly remembered. not all the details, but the feeling is there when i make my mind feel it. such passion, so ready to do something, but without leadership and encouragement: loss of interest. you can only read a bible passage so many times before you get bored with it and decided that kerouac is funny and interesting and this is the natural order of things, but backwards, but natural all the same. like how the willamette river flows the other way(when contrasted to most rivers who all seem very normal indeed). so what is to be said? "i'm sorry" - but am i. i remember when i was a child, doing something wrong to my brother and my mom making me say "sorry" to him, and it'd say "sorry", but with such a strong bent of the sound of no meaning to that, or those, word(s) at all. i'd be forced to say it again, "meaning" it, so i learned how to lie. it you sound go, but hold bitterness in your heart, people will be just fine with that, or fine enough with that to let you go play with your legos or some other such thing. so, i don't want to say sorry unless i am sorry. and sometimes i am, sometime i am full off regret and aarons "no rowing could out run the wrong i've done" burns like hell in my mind, but then there are those other times where i wish i was in salem, like i spent last year: working two part times jobs, not going to church really, smoking and cussing and doing things that i swore were "fine!!! - i swear", but come on!, no more of these put offs, dancing around the half truths like chaz grant and i did when we went camping in washington state on a quest to buy fireworks last summer in nothing but maybe one sock. i was very sincere about embracing truth last term, i don't know why my desire chose to run after the wind the way i do, and i do! bullshit! (oh wait, no, can't say that, it's not pure, and it's not!, i believe this, how it's how i feel. it is! i feel like it is bullshit. but i also feel i shouldn't say "bullshit" because it's not right to say bullshit at all. i need to express my thoughts, it's not madness. (maybe it is). and i don't want to, don't choose to, believe that it is all about moderation, that it's okay to express yourself in one such way, but not another, when you are expressing the same exact thing, with different words. who makes words evil, not G-d. does HE say saying bullshit is evil? it's perfectly okay to say "darn it", when what i am expressing is "may the it be condemned to eternal hell", but saying "bullshit", which is saying some thing's value or worth is equal to the excrement of a cow. can you see the source of my confusion? i cannot. but i can see some of it's causes.) i don't know about all this change. maybe all this change is good, because with my former mindset, i'd have ended up in a alley, sleeping with nothing to my name, with that emptiness that frees you enough to find fulfillment. what a grand trade off. it's like it's like listening to modest mouse over mewithoutYou. easier, but cheated. i know what is up, enough to start in the right! direction. but i'm tired and it was getting uncomfortable losing myself in G-d. so i bought a cd and a fast food meal and it left me deaf and hungry. lame, i know.

"can you drink from this cup", "hell yes, bring it!". but the waiting took to long, you know, like waiting in the dentists office with magazines that are three years old, bored, knowing the waiting will end, but not wanting to stay, NO!, it's more like being in a big hurry, and buying a coffee and it's taking way longer than you thought,so even tho you've already paid, you leave. you just walk outta that starbucks, because you are in a hurry, and they didn't understand how valuable your time is. (you swear you'll not go back until you think thing've changed). you get to where you thought you needed to be, and you find out, once you've gotten there, that you are bored as hell! "sheeeeuut, i should've waited for that coffee, it's cold here, and having a warm drink would help to pass the time. this hell makes me feel so damn lonely, isolation (all the while picturing that part of river-front park, the half circle as the bottom of the amphitheatre, the stage part, on a cold fall morning having skipped class with your best friend and gotten breakfast, but now he's no where, and you're now here and it's empty.)".

however you look at it, person a. was heading in direction 1. and felt very good about it, quite confident that this was right (in a way that shows the beauty of absolute truth), it was hard, but it gave a sense of purpose and meaning and love and joy and brokenness (the good kind, see matt 5-ish, and luke 7 something or other), but for no difineable reason (person a. might tell you that his parents got divorced, which is in fact true, in this strange period of time, and that effected him greatly, another truth, and thus this is the reason that he was (or did) reverted the direction 2. (which will be explained shortly), but this would NOTNOTNOTNOTNOTNOTNOT be true - lies!) he reverted to direction 2.: not caring a whole lot, tho not having abandoned truth, no longer proclaiming it, no longer admonition those who calm it and only half follow it (ironically just as peron a. is doing not, entirely half heartedly), no longer caring about being simple and thus free in this respect, but now disregarding the laws (in a moderate way that makes person a. feels like he's done nothing wrong at all - except one time, and that freaked him out (unsaid reason for writing)), spending money on possessions he'd like to own, reading great things but not enough of that perfect writing, sleeping too late and missing appointed times to be at appointed places, not talking much to his mother, father, or brother, or certain friends, not for reasons of bitterness, but because it isn't as easy as other things, not making an effort to embrace life where he goes to school, but running to the comfort of home most weekends, wishing he would forget the life (direction 1. perhaps) he was called to and simply live by himself, or maybe one or two very select friends, in an apartment, working a simple job, like pizza or coffee, something he did while going in direction 2. (it should be funny to know that he went in direction 2. before he ever went in direction 1., which is his main reason for believing in a sinful nature), and sleeping rather than praying.

it's hard. madness would be a fun trip, but it wouldn't last. i can't just step out of what i feel is truth, no matter how much i'd enjoy that. that sounds horrible, "how dare you say you don't love every damn thing about the christian life!!!", but remember i don't say i'm sorry unless i feel it, and feeling this.

it's confusing and all. and i'm okay. i'm not great, not by any means, but not horrible either. feeling very, peaceful, and a bit of madness, not the former kind tho.

"in your heart there's a spark that just screams for a love to bring a child to your chest... and love all you have left, like your boy used to be, long ago"

down is the new up! it's like what jesus taught us!

listening to the radiohead show andrew and i went to in berkeley.

still

i want nothing to do with you.

it seems as tho this feeling should have past. hasn't.

i don't know why i still feel mad.

bright eyes new record.

the new bright eyes record, cassadaga, makes me feel good. it's a very hopeful album. it's only like 8 buck at best buy (sorry to advertise). it's worth it. it's lovely. it'll make you want to travel and be chill and good and seek beauty, all in a good way. "i must belong somewhere" is super. so is "no one would riot for less". but do you want to know the truth? i'm just putting off homework.

it's still a good listen tho!

im glad conor seems less depressed. i read in an interview that he stopped doing drugs. he still seems a bit lost, but he's not trying to kill himself (slowly at any rate) anymore.

rejoice! beauty is very where!

far-out in time (remember!!!)

i read that it takes something like (i can't remember that exact figure) 1/32nd of a second for your brain to process what is happening to your scenes. so, in your mind, you can only look at past events. all that we can know and view is past. i think this is very interesting. there might very well be a present time, but we cannot know it in our conciseness. the whole idea of living in the here and now is impossible. we are blind to now-ness. this makes me feel like i am drifting thru time without having any control. it's very far-out. remembering the now!!! this is only interesting to me because i just finished a book about hippies and the psychodelic movement, and b/c i am a nerd. i like to apply what i learn.

but like, whoooooa ma-a-a-a-an. there is no now, and if there is no now, how can there be any future? it's like we're swimming in a sea of the past, floating thru space of gone-ness. the past is present but the present is invisible until it has gone past.

maybe if there is no now, there is nothing and it all an illusion. when i get confused about something, it is plain that it does not exist at all. (i don't know how i am still a christian. )it is interesting that if we cannot take part in the now, if there is really a now at all, and if there is no now, is there anything new at all. if there is nothing new at all, is there anything at all - since all things have a beginning but there is no now, and no possible place for a start, there is nothing. or maybe the now is just 1/32nd of a second in the future, or past - depending on how you look at it. or now. would be the 3rd and most professed option.

my mind is reeling at the possibilities, is yours? (or, to speak properly, my mind WAS reeling)

bu-bye now!

i did really believe that thing about jesus being in my heart as a kid - honest

the weather in the greatest state in the whole union is so strange. it's always jumping from rain to sunshine to clouds to rain to hail to different/next/strange. i feels like fall. i like fall best. i like the cool.

bob dylan is playing loud thru my speakers: "it's a hard raaaaaaaaaains agonna fall".

i've felt discouraged about the church today. the church doesn't do a whole lot. it's like there is this epic chasm between what the church once was, in the new testament and also pre-Constantine, and what the church is like today.

what does it mean to live life now with an eternal perspective? the speaker in chapel today briefly mentioned that, and i caught onto that thought and my mind went reeling! reeling! it was like this great moment of realization and understanding. jesus came to give us life, eternal life, right? (yes, sir). i've always operated under the understanding that you live this life, die, and then eternity starts. however, looking back, i don't think this is what jesus, or post-jesus scripture, is saying. i think eternity started when i was a little kid who, without fully understanding what i was a'doing (but who can ever fully understand the grace of G-d) asked jesus into my heart. at the time i thought my heart-beat was jesus, who lived in my heart in a very literal way, hammering a nail into the wall of my heart so he could put up a picture. as a child i honestly believed this. i can still remember what i thought the painting would look like (it was staggeringly beautiful). anyhow!!! anyhow!!, i think that life has started. that my flesh might not, shall we say, "make it" to heaven, but my soul will keep going. perhaps with the removal of my damn body, my soul and spirit will be cleansed (i hope so!). so that was fun for me. to understand that i've already started eternity. i think this is a "correct" thought. i don't really see how this would change a whole lot, i mean, i already know about living for jesus and all that good stuff.


the following is about music, and is pointless
"no one would riot for less" is one of the best songs i've heard. i heard it for the first time a year or two a go when i first saw bright eyes in concert, and tried for a long time to track it down, but could not, to my great sadness. it's on the new album "cassadaga", which has the best album art-work these old eyes have ever seen.

oh, the scene! such a great evil.

shower, flower, power, um, nower? no! that don't sound good at all! i'll call this one "how takin a shower when needed is really like followin Jesus!"

i like when i need to shower. when the day has seen me walking thru downtown and the park without shoes, and my feet are almost black on the bottom, and when i've been running so hard that i sweat thru a tee-shirt and i know i smell bad. i like when i get into the shower and it feels like it takes a few moments for the water to penetrate beyond the sweat and dirt and start to wash it all away. a few minor cuts hurt from the clean water and the soap. my hair was stiff before the shower, but it is nice and soft under the water with the shampoo. there is nothing like knowing you need to be cleansed and then having that happen in the most epic of ways.

i go to bible college, so i try to make everything relate.



the flow of seriousness and funness is important. a scale as i hear it called today. balance. a key part of living a healthy life is moderation, balance*. too much of either is overkill - for sure - i know!!! i am of the opinion that christians/church (they are the exact same thing, don't be fooled, fool (i only mean the 2nd "fool" in a cute, gangsta way)) have a poor and or skewed view of what it means to enjoy life and how that interacts with the life G-d has set out for us. i mean, we all have to have serious moments, they are good, healthy, totally necessary, however, largely, the church don't know what is up and how we are to have live. i mean, we're damn fucking good about preaching our morality, but fall short when it comes to teaching beauty (which came first) and joy. i don't want to miss the joy G-d calls us to because i want to live in the comfort of sadness, or insincere and unneeded seriousness.

tonight about 10-15 people, largely between the ages of 16-24, played lava monster for a good hour. running and screaming and jumping foolish distances on play ground structure. all the while being far too old to be playing a game for kids! fools! jesus was all like " if you wanna see the kingdom of G-d, you have to become like a little child". i've heard many a interpretation of this saying, we must become child like in our "faith", or "love", or yet another one might say "dependency", which are all good. but jesus said something much more EPIC, he said something much simpler, and we pick our something else. he said, and all he said, was we need to become like a child. i think he means this. jesus can be rather confusing, but i think he means what he says, and we pick out other things. what is a child like? become that. (the good things anyhow, jesus doesn't want you to end up like, say, the u.s president - oh!, political slam!).

the later it gets at night, the more i want to write. the later it gets, the more creative, and weird i get. sorry for that. it's 3am. i am too tired to do anything but type my thoughts, no proof reading. some of these thoughts came for talking to andrew tonight. he is the greatest, epic.


*i thought of this, in a funny sorta way, but it's worth sharing: you can't have too much, gosh i don't know how to phrase this, "Jesus", might work. you can't have too much Jesus in your life because you will alway have too much YOU in your life, so the scale will always error on the side of YOU, so the more Jesus the better, but still, balance. the summer after next i'll be able to drink, and thus have to learn moderation in a fun, alcoholic way! yeah yeah.

postcard: sent

no, no! seriously, if you want to feel a lot of energy and excitement for life, listen to the song "ibi dreams of pavement (a better day)"* by broken social scene and read "electric kool-aid acid test" by tom wolfe. it'll make you want to explode and run around and stuff.

i sound foolish, i know. i'm OK with that, okaay?

on an very un-interesting point, i bought my first part of new pants in a year. they also happen to be the first pair pants made for males i've bought in many years. but don't worry, they are still pretty tight and show off my sexy legs and butt. i like them because the pockets are much deeper, and my insulin pump doesn't come out easy.

enjoy




*i have no idea what this song is about lyrically, nor any other bss song for that matter. the music and singing itself has great energy.

FURTHUR!!!

NOW!, it seems to me that jesus, who i am told i ought be like, wasn't real concerned about productivity. sure he said we need to take good care of the things we have, but this mad race for success is just that, mad. jesus was a big fan of just hanging out. he was always giving people alcohol, or eating with friends and acquaintances, just simply talking with folks at the local hang out (back in the day, they called these hang outs "synagogues", but that’s just a minor technical term). i've been reading "the electric kool-aid acid test". this book follows author ken kesey (one fellow over the cuckoo’s nest) and his merry pranksters. they basically invented "hippie-ism". many folks call kesey the mediator between the beat generation and the hippy generation. kesey and his pranksters had a wonderful zest for life, they were all about engaging in life fully and embracing one another, and seeking truth. they wanted to truly accept everyone as long as they felt that those people where being real. yes, they did tons (i do mean lots and lots and lots, lotslots) of drugs, and had sex with folks they may or may not have been married to, but they had so many things RIGHT!

i'm tired of seeing christians always being so somber. always walking around with down turned heads wallowing in unneeded convictions. we are so sad, and is so sad. i honestly believe that one of the greatest truths christians have missed is the joy and freedom christ gave to us. we'd rather just bullshit about how sinful we are and how we need to be of sober spirit, and reject the joy of the Lord because being the former is easy, it makes sense.

i want none of that. i'm tired of being in dark building with a room full of people who raise their voices half way, singing songs made to provoke that unneeded conviction and sadness to a god they thing is probably disappointed in them. man, i don't get that vibe from christ. do you?

I'm not saying we need to all be hippies (hippies are dirty and smell bad, jesus doesn't want you to smell bad. furthur more, being a hippy is sooo last century). it feels like as a christian we have our "fun time", where we run around and laugh and joke and are free, but then we have our "god time" where we are damn serious, where we reading our bibles with pokerfaces and in all honesty are kind of bored and anticipate the next fun time. i think that our fun time is in truth more G-d time that our god-time is. we are made to enjoy, to laugh, joke, play lava monster when you are at least ten years too old to do such things. this is the freedom we are given by G-d as a beautiful given that we should not waste.

remember those two most important commandments,
1) love G-d
2) love people (as you love yourself)

now, when i think of loving people, how i love my friends (or the way i'd show love to ex-gf's), i talk to them, i hang out with them, i laugh and joke with them, i go to seattle with them, hugs!, i play capture them flag in wal-mart, punch them on the arm, get beat down by andrew when it's lucas/chaz v. andrew, build an awesome raft and cross a mighty rive with the said raft. this is love. this is how people love each other. enjoy each other company. enter act tion! G-d is a part of all of this, he isn't sitting within the leather bindings of your bible, he's right there with you when you are living your life, enjoying all this beauty, so don't act like there is "god-time" and “fun time“, there is only life in christ, and everything is beautiful.

does this make sense? i hope so. it is very important to me. i've spent the last many months in harsh judgment of myself, and also great sadness with the happenings of my family, and i think G-d used these novels to teach my these truths that i'd missed in the bible. i feel very excited right now, and very hopeful and up beat, it's good.