-i am an engine and i'm rolling on, thru endless revisions to say what i mean-

sometimes i want very badly to express what i am feeling. which is strange in a way, i think i can use words well enough to tell people what i mean, but i think it goes deeper than that, like i want to create something to communicate the emotions that i feel. i wish i could write songs. the quote at the top of all this is a neutral milk hotel song, and they communicate feeling better than any one i've ever heard, yet i can hardly figure out what the words of most songs are about and mean, and that's what i wish i could do, make art like that. i don't really even try, but it is a thought i've had.

i just started my third year at bible college. i'm excited for it. it's going to be unlike any other year i've lived yet.

i keep seeing people become more and more self absorbed, and it terrifies me. like people i dearly love too. i wouldn't think i was any stronger than that. i think it hurts a lot of people. i want to be in, and stay in, a place where i can hold on to nothing but christ and be okay with that.

G-d of peace, we want you.

last year, chase's desk (which is now gabes) had "ihtfp" written in pen on the tackboard. chase said he guessed it meant "i hate this fucking place". our desks used to belong to an army barracks, but i don't know which person wrote it, the army solider or the bible college student. i don't know which place is worse. i can't stand being here anymore. maybe it's just school altogether. maybe it's me. i know its me in part for sure. but i don't know if its a good or bad thing not liking it here. i recall starting here with such hope, such furious ambition, now i can't wait to leave. "i read more maps than books, every chance to leave is another chance i should have took (brand new)".

i hate that so much of this blog is me complaining. sorry about that.

why do i feel more angry (key word, angry, not sad or regretfully) about being in/at this school than about jared? i feel like such a bastard for that. i took that well, have healed and responded in a very healthy and good way. but, there is school. i hate that i hate this place, that i'm starting to feel bitter. after jared died i felt so, i don't know this sounds weird, but i felt so alive. i was hurting so much, i was with people so much, school was such a small thing, an after thought really. now the intensity of loosing jared has died down a bit and school is more of the focus, and it seems so empty. i don't know if i should go on with it.

i shouldn't be bitter towards anything. i shouldn't hate. i shouldn't feel burdened by school. i shouldn't feel like i am going to get terrible grades. i shouldn't feel like i'm disappointing G-d. i shouldn't be irresponsible in anything in my life.

but i do and i am.

you shall know our velocity and i feel like a dumb girl

i've reached a point where i can't hardly stand being at school, or maybe just this school, anymore. maybe i'm just having a bad week, but i feel like i hate this place. not really the people tho, as individuals, i like most everyone, i don't hate anyone here at all, but as a large group of people, they (we?) get weird. i can't express what bible college is like, but it's not the greatest thing. so i'm tired of all this. i wish i could hang out with all my salem friends and be in salem, but still have all my friends from school around too.
i love jin-jin's. it's the best food in the world. we go every tuesday. today, however, no one wanted to go. and my car is broke. and chris delaney, who did want to go, doesn't have a car either. that was the final straw. i was fucking pissed as shit. it's such a small thing. but that on top of all my feeling about not wanting-so-much to be here, i got in that weird mood where i'm both mad and sad at once. i just wanted to get away or give up. and i never have a moment alone. my roommate (who i like very much as a person and a roommate) never leaves the room. i'm never alone without being in public. i just wanted to lay in bed and blast broken social scene or something, but this was not an option. and i don't have a car, so i couldn't (easily) go to a cafe or something. i watched planet earth for a while, but people kept talking to me (jerks), so it became clear that i need to take the max to powells to buy a book - a deep spiritual journey - i have a giftcard. so i did. i was in a friends room a few days ago and saw "you shall know our velocity" by dave eggers, who wrote "a heartbreaking work of staggering genius", and i love his titles, so i got that one. i love being able to just read a story and feel like i'm not here at all.
i also noticed that when i read a lot of narrative, i start thinking in narrative. i describe everything going on in my mind as tho it was a novel ("i paused here not sure about what to write next and just watched my fingers punch the keys as the thoughts spewed from my mind as uninhibited and epic as a volcano erupting"), do you see what i mean?

five weeks left of school and then summer. and beer. i'm 21 now. i haven't broken contract at school and i wanted to smoke like non-other all day today. it's been a bad past few days, i'm moody as hell and i hate it, i feel like a dumb girl. i haven't been in salem for the longest stretch of time since before winter break, and i miss it.

being here

this is something i wrote and posted on facebook, but then deleted because i didn't really care for what people were commenting about. it esencacially turned into exactly what i was annoied by in the first place. don't do that here, or i'll but a curse on you.

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It’s hard to describe how much I’ve come to hate so much of bible college. This place is so strange, and not in a “do not conform to the patterns of this world” strange, because we absolutely do, but rather a “I’m not sure this is healthy or good” strange. I should state that I’m sort of pissed off right now, and thus the motivation to write all this jazz. I feel like I can hardly stand being in this place. Last spring semester I hated it, but summer saved me and G-d brought me back to bible college, but I want to leave again, only five more weeks till summer. I can’t imagine sitting at another table where everyone is putting in their worthless two cents about some damn theological or christian cultural issue. It’s like we’ve all gotten terribly bored of real truth, so we’ve had to move onto some obscure issue that has so little bearing on anything even close to being important. Or maybe we’re all just too sociably awkward to have meaningful conversations that don’t involve our take on christianbabel. Take your pick of any one of the dozens of things that get discussed in the jca, or the cafeteria or any place and sit back and discuss, argue, be safe and comfortable and give your thoughts about the issue. Living at a place with six hundred or so people who are, largely, training themselves for christian leadership, and you get a flock of pre-shepherds trying their very best to lead one another thru valley of the shadow of death that is a perfectly safe and comfortable life we live. I can’t even speak a word against us for not doing anything to engage our world for christ because at this point I have no idea what that looks like, and it’s not as if I’m doing much myself, all thought I should be speaking out about this and doing something myself, but eating in the cafeteria and taking about if open air preaching is okay or not is just so much safer, even when jeff is doing something to save the world, is pathetic. Or maybe it’s predestination, or TaNaKh order, or if systematic theology is an okay way to read the bible, or if dating is wise or not, cussing, if non-christian art is okay (this one pisses me off because I love music and see Christ in it, oh well), whatever it is, I’m just so sick of it. I’m sorry, I know I’m being an asshole, I know this is extremely one-sided and unfair, and I know that this shows that I have a bitter heart, but I’m just so sick of living in a christian community that is trying to imitate the world, yet still claims christ, and is all the while fully academic.
I remember when I can here how uneducated I was about so many things, how I’ve learned so much, but also how I’ve grown cynical and tired. I felt like a child excited at all the potential of life, but I see how jacked up this place is, and now want to distance myself from so much of it. I can’t even express how blessed I am to have the friends here that I do, that’s my saving grace. It’s just all this meaningless and fruitless discussion that is festering under my skin makes me want to just give up on this place. It feels fake. I feel like we’re a joke.

this blew my mind

so, my church, imago dei, showed this movie called "lord save us from your followers", and it was epic awesome. funny, yet very thought provoking, i teared up for most of the latter half of the film. if you get a chance, watch it.

http://www.lordsaveusthemovie.com/

here's the synopsis:

Though nine out of ten Americans claim a belief in God, public expression of faith is more contentious as ever. Even as discussion of religion floods the media like never before, the rhetoric is divisive and hyper as the 2008 elections loom on the horizon.

Lord, Save Us From Your Followers is the energetic, accessible documentary that explores the collision of faith and culture in America. Fed up with the angry, strident language filling the airwaves that has come to represent the Christian faith, director (and follower) Dan Merchant set out to discover why the Gospel of Love is dividing America.

Utilizing a broad array of expert interviews, man-on-the-street bits, hilarious animations and “I’ve never seen that before” stunts, Lord, Save Us From Your Followers brings everyone into the conversation that this country is aching to have.

In the tradition of “entertaining documentaries” like Super Size Me, Bowling For Columbine and What the Bleep Do We Know?, Lord, Save Us From Your Followers, employs the language of pop culture to create a provocative, funny and redemptive viewing experience that will leave the audience talking for hours.

From the man-on-the-street blitz of “Bumpersticker Man” to a “Culture Wars” game show, from Dan’s proclamation drive to re-name St. Paul to New Leningrad to the controversial and moving “Confession Booth” at Gay Pride, Lord, Save Us From Your Followers delves into all the hot button issues with candor, humor and balance.

With exclusive interviews with comedian/Senatorial candidate Al Franken, former Senator and Religious Right inside man Rick Santorum, noted “liberal evangelical” Tony Campolo, conservative radio host Michael Reagan, racial reconciliation activist Dr. John Perkins and features with Bono, Pastor Rick Warren (“Purpose Driven Life”), James Dobson, Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, no stone is left unturned in this engaging, unpredictable and challenging look at the conflict over religion in America.

crossfire

this is rad, stawart is amazing, and these guys can't handle him being serious and smarter than them. sorry, i hate politics, but this is fun.

in people

i think i am learning to see G-d in people. over break i spent a lot of time with people reading the bible, or talking about spiritual things, or praying with people. now that i'm back at bible college, that hardly happens at all. i find it weird that bible college is such a spiritually dry place for me, i'm surrounded by believers, and this has bothered me for the last year and a half. a lot of it has to do with me not really seeing much good in people, i tend to focus on the negative in my brothers and sisters, but this is not good in the least. i think one of the greatest gifts G-d ever gave mankind was making us in his image, and if we look at ourselves we can see him. every good gift is from G-d, and every good thing in us is from him. i'm starting to see this, never mind that most of the time i have no love for my brother, i'm excited to see G-d in more places.

"so strike a match and why not be utterly changed to fire?" -mwy

why i got mad and what i thought afterwords

i felt frustrated, mad, because i saw one's myspace who i know claims christ, but the things they are proud of and the things they so proudly display are so damn contrary to the things of christ. the kinds of things paul called shit. and i know we're all sinful and have fallen short, but it's like you're not even trying! i try and fail, but man, at least i can cover up the messy stuff, and that's what counts right? looking good. i'm mad for a legit reason, people actively make christ look bad, like something he's not, however, while i try not to, i end up just hiding my sin, and being fake. i don't want to be fake, but i honestly don't want sin, but it's still there, and i don't really know what else to do with it up hide it. it's not like i haven't tried giving it to G-d, i have, but why does it always come back?

the other day for the first time in my life, i prayer that christ would come back soon, and i really meant it. i've never liked the idea of christ coming back that much. but, at least in that moment, i really wanted that. there can be nothing better. i'm starting to think it comes down to me setting my mind to the things of the spirit rather than the things of the flesh(aka, sinful nature).

relient k has some good songs, i still like "from end to end" and "i am understood?", but i think mewithoutYou's next. music always makes this type of thought process better. aaron's words are helpful.

old photographs

this past monday i was home in salem, and a button had come off my jacket so i went looking for needle and thread under the dinning room into the crawl space where we store many things, and found some old photographs. i never found the needle/thread, but i have never been so interested in something as these pictures. i ended up taking about 50 in all, but these are my favorite. it's so fascinating to see pictures of my parents before they were married, when they'd just gotten married, and then when dylan and i were born. my parents are no longer married, so it's all the more interesting to see pictures of them together. it's strange to view a marriage of people you still know, in it's full length. almost all the pictures i took are of when we lived in nashville, memories i'd almost forgotten i had. the best tho are of my mom and dad in college, they look so young, with so much a head of them both. then i like dylan's baby pictures the best, he was always doing something interesting in front of the camera. i'm older than my mom was when they got married. my dad's beard is better than mine is now when he was 22, so if it doesn't improve by then, i'll be upset.


dad, papa (mom's dad), mom

mom, dad, aka, leslie and gary

father and son (me)

dylan

family

proverbs and promises

because i am irresponsible, i had to read the whole book of proverbs in a single day. it's a long book, and it's packt like sardines in a crushed tin box with wisdom, very heavy, and slow to work thru. i couldn't get over how many times the wise man and the fool are contrasted for a simple thing like rebuke and correction, proverbs 12:1 is great: "whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid". and the story goes, and this is told to the reader many times in many ways. i can't help but think of people who hate being corrected, and they are the people who live the worst lives. it's sad. it reflects G-d's design in ourselves for the need to community and growing and teaching and rebuking and correcting in the community. this is such an important theme in this book that being corrected is a good thing, and that the wise person accepts this and values it, but the fool hates being told what is the what. this of course begs the question, am i wise or the fool? i wish i knew. i think i have it all figured it sometimes, and i know that that is arrogant, but if anything, bible college (and perhaps my pride as well) has made me critical, and this is good, because the truth is hard to find and it's something that should be sought after and we must be discerning about it, but i don't know if i hate correction. i know people that do, and they live like someone who would has little clue about how to live life. it's be come apparent from reading these things that we must be open to correction, and willing to see our error, and not embittered, but humble in all things seeking godly wisdom.

on another note, i was reading rick warrens "the purpose driven church", and he quoted a proverb, and said "what a promise". no. no. no. proverbs are not promises. the book of proverbs is not a book of promises. if the book of proverbs was in fact a book of promises, the title of the book would then be "promises", however, this is not the title and not the intent of the book. proverbs are insights to wisdom that is most often true, but not absolute truth and not a money back guarantee. if you live by the wisdom in the book of proverbs, your life will be much better, but not perfect. the wise will not always prevail over the fool, nor the righteous over the wicked. if you train up a child in the way he should go, and he depart from it, then you aren't (necessarily) a bad parent, but most likely, if you train him in this manor, things will be legit. this is now one of my favorite books, and i used to not like it, but i was taught what a proverb is, and that's helped a lot.

more than most things these days, i want to know G-d. it's been awhile in coming, but i think i really want this. the wisdom in this book is good, and it teaches how to live life well, but it's not G-d swearing to do things for you. i don't think we can jump thru hoops to get G-d to do our will, he is better than that. we need to learn to bring him glory. i think one way of doing that is living the way he designed us to live.

this is wiser than i'd ever have thought of myself:

two things i asked of you,
do not refuse me before i die:
keep deception and lies far from me,
give me neither poverty nor riches;
feed me with the food that is my portion,
that i may not be full and deny you and say,
"who is the LORD?"
or that i not be in want and steal,
and profane the name of my G-d.
30:7-9

back

after a few months off, i'm going to try and write more.
lots happened/ing.