last year, chase's desk (which is now gabes) had "ihtfp" written in pen on the tackboard. chase said he guessed it meant "i hate this fucking place". our desks used to belong to an army barracks, but i don't know which person wrote it, the army solider or the bible college student. i don't know which place is worse. i can't stand being here anymore. maybe it's just school altogether. maybe it's me. i know its me in part for sure. but i don't know if its a good or bad thing not liking it here. i recall starting here with such hope, such furious ambition, now i can't wait to leave. "i read more maps than books, every chance to leave is another chance i should have took (brand new)".

i hate that so much of this blog is me complaining. sorry about that.

why do i feel more angry (key word, angry, not sad or regretfully) about being in/at this school than about jared? i feel like such a bastard for that. i took that well, have healed and responded in a very healthy and good way. but, there is school. i hate that i hate this place, that i'm starting to feel bitter. after jared died i felt so, i don't know this sounds weird, but i felt so alive. i was hurting so much, i was with people so much, school was such a small thing, an after thought really. now the intensity of loosing jared has died down a bit and school is more of the focus, and it seems so empty. i don't know if i should go on with it.

i shouldn't be bitter towards anything. i shouldn't hate. i shouldn't feel burdened by school. i shouldn't feel like i am going to get terrible grades. i shouldn't feel like i'm disappointing G-d. i shouldn't be irresponsible in anything in my life.

but i do and i am.