Tuesday, April 8, 2008

being here

this is something i wrote and posted on facebook, but then deleted because i didn't really care for what people were commenting about. it esencacially turned into exactly what i was annoied by in the first place. don't do that here, or i'll but a curse on you.

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It’s hard to describe how much I’ve come to hate so much of bible college. This place is so strange, and not in a “do not conform to the patterns of this world” strange, because we absolutely do, but rather a “I’m not sure this is healthy or good” strange. I should state that I’m sort of pissed off right now, and thus the motivation to write all this jazz. I feel like I can hardly stand being in this place. Last spring semester I hated it, but summer saved me and G-d brought me back to bible college, but I want to leave again, only five more weeks till summer. I can’t imagine sitting at another table where everyone is putting in their worthless two cents about some damn theological or christian cultural issue. It’s like we’ve all gotten terribly bored of real truth, so we’ve had to move onto some obscure issue that has so little bearing on anything even close to being important. Or maybe we’re all just too sociably awkward to have meaningful conversations that don’t involve our take on christianbabel. Take your pick of any one of the dozens of things that get discussed in the jca, or the cafeteria or any place and sit back and discuss, argue, be safe and comfortable and give your thoughts about the issue. Living at a place with six hundred or so people who are, largely, training themselves for christian leadership, and you get a flock of pre-shepherds trying their very best to lead one another thru valley of the shadow of death that is a perfectly safe and comfortable life we live. I can’t even speak a word against us for not doing anything to engage our world for christ because at this point I have no idea what that looks like, and it’s not as if I’m doing much myself, all thought I should be speaking out about this and doing something myself, but eating in the cafeteria and taking about if open air preaching is okay or not is just so much safer, even when jeff is doing something to save the world, is pathetic. Or maybe it’s predestination, or TaNaKh order, or if systematic theology is an okay way to read the bible, or if dating is wise or not, cussing, if non-christian art is okay (this one pisses me off because I love music and see Christ in it, oh well), whatever it is, I’m just so sick of it. I’m sorry, I know I’m being an asshole, I know this is extremely one-sided and unfair, and I know that this shows that I have a bitter heart, but I’m just so sick of living in a christian community that is trying to imitate the world, yet still claims christ, and is all the while fully academic.
I remember when I can here how uneducated I was about so many things, how I’ve learned so much, but also how I’ve grown cynical and tired. I felt like a child excited at all the potential of life, but I see how jacked up this place is, and now want to distance myself from so much of it. I can’t even express how blessed I am to have the friends here that I do, that’s my saving grace. It’s just all this meaningless and fruitless discussion that is festering under my skin makes me want to just give up on this place. It feels fake. I feel like we’re a joke.

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