give up!

i'm in LA. it's spring break for me, so i thought i'd come down here to see my good friend javier. it's been fun so far. LA is not a place i'd want to live tho. it's too big and dirty and just falls short of oregon in so many ways. all you oregon kids have a great place to live. sure it can be wet, but it beats the smog and the summers are sure nice.
last night we went to a church that meets in a bar. it was good. it reminded me of "the way", but i still liked it. at some point in my recent history i really stopped caring as much as i once did or as i ought to. like, i haven't or didn't stop loving G-d or anything, but i didn't really care much to pursue him and his ways. last semester i was all about living simply and being real and following and such, but somehow i kind of lost that passion. what bullshit man, man! so last night was good 'cos i prayed about these things and i do want to follow christ will all of me. i hate my way of life so much, i realized how utterly dependant i am on my G-d. the preacher fellow spoke about how little children were viewed in the 1st century as pretty worthless and dependant. this is why jesus says we could receive the kingdom of G-d as little children do, with an understanding that this is our only option. i often think that without G-d i'd be okay, i'd find another way to get by and largely i am using another way other than his to get by. this is no good at all! what a damn fool am i. i wish it was as easy as saying the words without having to do the work and commit to such things to be G-dly. i don't think we are condemned to always be wollowing in our sin incapable of ever doing any good. i think that G-d thru christ jesus empowers us to freedom. we don't have to do evil any more. we can be freed from self, but it isn't easy, it isn't just saying "water" and having your thirst met. it's a life of running in such a way as to win the prize as paul might say.

run run run take a drag or two. no, that right. naw, just give yourself up. i don't know about you kids, but i get so frig'n tired of myself, what i mean by that is i get so tired of caring about myself. it is such a worthless thing to do when you know how good G-d is and how good the life he has for you is.

my goodness tho, that life isn't anything like what the life i'd have picked out for myself would look like. thank G-d for that, his ways are higher than my own.

(didn't feel like proof-reading, sorry, i do hate the sound of my own voice)

fond

today i bought an awesome pair of speakers and a sub. i paid for it with birthday money i got. they sound so good. it's been such a long time since i've been able to listen to music thru a good system without wearing headphones (i don't like headphones much). i listened to some modest mouse, ugly casanova, clash and REM. i bought a REM today as well. my dad used to be way into rem, he talks about how he liked them before they were popular. my dads funny.
i've been reading a lot lately. i'm on my 5th book in less than 4 weeks, maybe 3. it's cool to be reading, i like it a lot and it makes me feel so damn smart to be reading so much, however, i wonder if this is good for me. all this massive intake of things that aren't focused. that i mean by that is it's not focused on truth. i like what i've read because it is real, and true in that way, but it's not G-dly i guess. i don't think it's causing me to sin or anything, but it's not causing me to do anything spectacular. i have this strong feeling inside of me that is it NOT okay to just engage in "christian" media or entertainment. i am strongly against censorship, but sometimes i wonder if this is good for me. some of it is, i'm learning alot i think. but these books all talk about drinking and who fucked who, but there is also a lot of beauty in the words of those pages.

i am not digging school right now.

bob dylans "visions of johanna" is one of the most calming songs i know, sorta like the end of cursives "gentleman caller".

i'm very upset that monday, tuesday, wednesday, and thusday are not friday. i'm so sick of being here. i want to leave, run away for good, if only for a pretend week. 20 hours each way. books and books. bryn is coming to hang out tomorrow, and on thurday we have some fun dorm section activity's that might be cool. then friday i get to go go go

i'll come runin'

Matter of fact,
youre on the right track,
my future looks black and blue.

Didn't take long,
to see I was wrong,
I still got it strong for you.

I'll come runin' yeah, (I'll come runing yeah)
if you want me to, (if you want me to)
I'll come runin' yeah, (I'll come runing yeah)
because i'm done in yeah,
without you.

I'd give my last shirt,
to take back the words,
that brought all that hurt upon us.

Both made mistakes,
had some bad breaks,
we got what it takes to go on.

I'll come runin' yeah, (I'll come runing, yeah)
if you want me to, (if you want me to)
I'll come runin' yeah, (I'll come runing, yeah)
because i'm done in yeah,
without you

-the murder city devils

i like this songs, and the words even more so. "my future looks black and blue" is a good line.

sunandmooniwanttoseebothworldsasone

beauty

sunday night was cool

it's true! sunday night was cool. i went with some school friends up to rockie butte, and i thought we were going to just hang out, but no! there was much more. ole tim brought his guitar and we worshipped G-d on the top of this amazing mountain overlooking all of lovely portland and just, i don't ever know, embraced the beauty of life or something. i am a cynical sonovbitch, sad, i know. since i am this way, it is very hard for me to connect with G-d in most organized worship times, like chapel here at school. but being with people who wanted to worship just because was perfect. it was a great time of praise and reflection.



i had a rad weekend as well. i got to hang out with my dad a good amount. i love spending time with my dad. he's my favorite guy his age i know for sure. i'm so blessed to have a good relationship with my dad, and to even like him. funny story (well, sorta). everytime he's introduce me to someone new, his roommate matt, and two coworkers, i felt so proud, so sure of myself. when he's say, "this is my son", it was like i knew who i was, his son, and i was damn proud of it. i am also very proud of who my father is. i think this is how G-d wants it to be, for a father to, well, father his son, raise him and show him who he is. i thought of all this because i just finished reading "to own a dragon" by don miller, great book for any guy.
i also got to see my mom and hang out at the house. got to see most of my salem friends, good times down south yo!

i wonder if i can just give up cynicism.

sometimes i look at my left wrist and i'm just upset that i put something as foolish as "rejoice" on my arm. i do not want to rejoice. i want to be bitter and comfortable.

this, however, is not G-d's design for me. rejoicing is much closer.

damn i'm not okay with being so paralysingly cynicism.

oh those christians and their anti-christ ways

it seems that as christians, people who claim to follow chirst,we've missed the point. the whole "love thy neighbor" thing doesn't apply to us or something. for a moment i thought that it's just because most christians haven't been exposed to things like needing to help the poor, loving your enemies, peace, justice, whatever, things that christ embodies, however, this is not true. we know everything we need to know to be effective, but instead we debate if it's okay to have a beer as a bible college student for a damn hour. i'm feeling very annoyed. i wish i was doing something myself - i am not, but i want to. so bad. we as a body really don't give a fuck. and i wonder how that makes christ feel. christians are so full of shit, lies, hypocrisy, i just want to walk away. i swear i would if there was another way.

i'm pissed off right now. it might be righteous anger, or i might just be a prick. still, i'm so fucking tired of always seeing christians only using christ for their own purposes. i am glad, i really am, that you feel G-d sometimes and that he is there for you, i am, but what have you done for him? seriously. have you (or i) done anything for the kingdom? i doubt it. jesus tells us we serve him by serving the broken in this world, the oppressed, the poor, the lonely, the rejects. i love the idea of the wounded healer, because i know i myself am wounded, hurt, broke, jacked up, but i like that G-d uses these types of people, but only if we let him use us. i really have a hard time seeing christians as a group of people who have let go of themselves and taken ahold of G-d and his word and gone to work. i see christians 100% the opposite of christ.

may G-d save us and change us.

(this was written while i was pretty pissed off, but i think alot of it is true. however, cynicism is the easiest thing in the world taking little to no effort, the real challenge is getting us damn foolish christians to act like christ)

deep, i know.

stuff is weird

lot on my mind

i've got few questions and less answers.

therefore*:

questions>answers

lame, i know.

questioins=answers would be nice.

nice.

nice dream.




*i always feel smart when i use the word "therefore", like a philosopher or mathematician. i am super-fly with words.

sunny day

my feet are dirty from walking in the grass and the mud. it was a beautiful day today. the sun makes everything better. people look less ugly in the sunshine. this might be because it's hard to make people out when the glare of the sun is in one's eyes.

"here i lay dreaming looking at the brilliant sun
raining it's guiding light upon everyone"
-elliott smith

a thought i had - just now

i just got the strangest desire to be a missionary. i've never really wanted to do this before. i was reading matt 3 and 4 for class and i was all like, "that'd be hecka tight, i should do that". normally, i'd write this sort of thing in my journal, however, i'm listening to a frig'n sweet modest mouse song on my computer with headphones, and since the cord is too short, i cannot reach my journal without interrupting the song, which is something i am not willing to do.

yeah, i'll have to think and pray about this missionary thing. it's probably like the time, about a month ago, i really wanted to join the army for no real reason, then the feeling past along and i took a nap.

as i write this the feeling fades, then i think about it, and it comes back. if i was a missionary, i'd want to really live with the people of whereever it was i was, and not be some dumb rich white missionary from the west who may live in that country, but lives totally apart from the people; this is not what jesus did, nor paul, but mostly jesus, 'cos jesus it way hecka tighter than frig'n paul, who is cool and all, but he's no jesus. he tries tho, and it's cute, and that is what counts. trying.

this is about god and G-d

i cannot understand G-d. no one can. no one can understand G-d. i cannot, you cannot, understand G-d. this does not mean that we cannot know G-d, but we cannot understand him, at least not in a complete sense. we cannot understand G-d. since we cannot understand G-d, we try to explain him, explain the parts about him that we don't get. our kind seems to have this need to know everything. but our best explanation's of G-d fall short. our definition of who and what G-d is isn't that great. we then reject the god we have created, and in doing so, reject the true G-d without ever having knowing him, and most certainly without having understood him. if we really knew G-d, we'd know we couldn't understand him entirely. so many people in this world bitterly hate G-d because the god they know is weak and fake, not the true G-d who is far too vast to be explained away.

"evil me, yeah i know"

i keep listening to the song "bukowski" by modest mouse. for a few years i wouldn't listen to that song because it bashes G-d. now i can't stop listening to it. it's a great song, a song that embodies a common feeling about G-d. that he's an asshole and a control freak. things that make sense and seem true, heck are true, if you believe in the god that is explainable. however, this is not the G-d of Abraham, of the jews of old, of Jesus Christ, Paul, the anabaptists, or me for that matter. that kind of god is fake and easy, G-d is neither.

i'd like to invite you to examine your G-d, and see if it's the image of the G-d who is in the bible, who could do such great things. who is real.

i hate that i am so concerned about my peers approval

sometimes i wonder what is an appropriate length of time to wear a single pair of socks. tradition would say "one pair, one day", but i reject this philosophy; it just screams of that distasteful air of earlier generations. besides, it's the winter, so i don't sweat all that much, therefore, my socks stay on the up-n-up. and i never wear socks without shoes in front of attractive girls, which is the only people group i'd be concerned about being judged by because i am wearing the same pair of socks that i wore to mondays chapel and it is now thursday. attractive girls, by-the-way, are the judges with the highest authority (sex appeal). in the summer, i rinse out my socks about every other night, just for my owns pleasure. it's an hour into march, my socks are just fine. it only smells bad if you hold it right up to your face. most people do not do this with the socks that i am currently wearing.

now, i know what you are thinking at this point, "what is his standard policy on underwear usage". to this i would say that is a rather personal question, and i simply refuse to talk about undergarments via an internet blog that any creep can read. you disgust me with your constant prying, just relax and mind your own underwear, alright?