a.h.w.o.s.g.

this morning the roads where wet, so classes were delayed by two hours. someone said it snowed someplace and that is why classes started late, but all i know is that i got to sleep for two extra hours. thank you the weather, and the poor oregonians who do not know how to handle it. after my one 50 minute class of talking about poetry that i do not "get", i ate lunch, showered, and came back to my room to read. i just started "a heartbreaking work of staggering genius", and it lives up to its name. it's very funny, witty and all, and one time it made me want to cry(i didn't tho, instead i killed a bear). there are a lot of book i'd like to read right now. it reminded me of last year, when i didn't have anything better to do than read. i also really would like to smoke a few cigarettes, but i said i wouldn't so i won't. but it'd be nice as heck it i could...

"reading is fun"

for years i thought that was a lie, oops.

right now my blood sugar is 410-ish (yours is closer to 100). i took 10 units via injection. it's going to be a strange afternoon.

either/or

either/or is such a good record. you really ought to listen to it. elliott smith. if you don't already to him, he's a bit hard to get into, but once you have, it's some of the best music. he's kind of like radiohead in that way. anyhow, either/or is amazing, but i don't think i'd tattoo this elliott smith album onto my body.

this is a video of elliott playing one of my favorite songs from the record, "say yes". this is from his last show before his death.

like, weird man, man!

it's just weird how things change. i mean, like, weird. like real strange. nothing seems to stay the same, yet nothing changes in a way. i'm not trying to be deep or anything, lord knows i'm not deep, but i've had a lot of free time this weekend so i've thought a lot and things from "back in the day" keep coming up and it's odd. it is so damn interesting to see how people i've know since middle school (i don't know anyone from before then due to moving and such) have changed, yet are still very much the same person. i wonder what people i've know since middle school think of me. life seems to be this big cycle and all.

three things of no importance

mold is growing in a dirty glass in my room.

i can drink coffee without cream or sugar and i like it.

i stole something once. it is next to me.

i was sitting in church today, no! i was standing. they were playing a worship song. it was a good one. however, i wished that they'd burst into "january 1979", because that is awesome. um, here are the words:

January, 1979 saw a terrible crash and it couldn’t help but laugh.
As my ear pressed against the past like a glass on the wall of a house in a photograph.
My forehead no longer sweet with holy kisses worthy of your fiery lips.
I was floating in a peaceful sea rescued by a sinking ship.

If I could become the servant of all, no lower place to fall. (I could be your servant)
If I could become the servant of all, no lower place to fall. (If I could be your servant)
If I could become the servant of all, no lower place to fall. (I could be your servant)
If I could become the servant of all, no lower place to fall. (If I could be your servant)

You watched me like a 10-car highway wreck with detached, vulgar curiosity
Us looking down on the tops of the hats of us passersby from your seventh floor balcony
And grew such a height we missed creatures too small for sight.
Carry on over conversation as the misguided insects
Crown me their grasshopper king with a dance of celebration.

After years with a crown on my head
I've grown overfed, unconcerned, and comfortably numb
Kept busy indulging in the pleasures of the wealthy.
Oh, someone make me afraid of what I’ve become.
At the first sign of possible sorrow,
I turned my heels and ran.
Oh, I’ll never learn.
My life is a cup of sugar I borrowed before time began and forgot to return.

It was a matter of time,
I always said I could see but now I’m going blind. (I could be your servant)
It was a matter of time,
I always said I could see but now I’m going blind. (If I could be your servant)
It was a matter of time,
I always said I could see but now I’m going blind. (I could be your servant)
It was a matter of miserable time but I heard somewhere,
There was a cure for useless eyes. (If I could be your servant)


here is the music video:

hope in what

often times, i find myself placing my hope in strange things. like pants. i would not wear baggy pants. i hope that by my pants people will think that i am cool and thus, accept me. i first put hope in appearance, and then secondly in people's approval. mostly i put hope in a college education. i feel that if i fail at college, then my life will be forfeit, and if i do well here, then the rest of my life will be okay, because i went to college damn it! i do not put my hope in G-d nearly enough. i do not feel that G-d will provide for me, that he will take care of me. there have been times in the past that because of my failures, i've told G-d that my life is forfeit and worthless and he should just end it now! sometimes i can be a little dramatic with my words to G-d.

i'd like to get a place where no matter what happens, i have faith in G-d and his provision.

i am not saved by pants, or college, or people. i am saved by Christ alone, and this is where my hope belongs.

i'd like to be content with having only food and covering, and the knowedge of i am loved by my G-d.

i have been feeling sentimental for days gone by

such a passive thing to do

i think it is weird when people ask if i'm growing out my hair. hair growth is such a passive thing to do. it'd be more accurate to say that i'm not cutting my hair, but growing it? it is much easier for me grow my hair that it is to cut it.

there are alot of songs that make mention of hair.

on the road

i just got my ticket to go to LA for spring break via greyhound. i'm so frig'n stoked! an entire week in a new city with javier. it's gonna be killer awesome good times. 20 hours on the bus each way... that'll be, um, nice. i guess i'll have time to think and read and all.

what he said reminded me of that one mwY line from four word letter pt.2

i had a hard weekend. it started on friday, well, the provoking of the hard weekend, not the real reason of why my weekend was hard. on friday, two of my friends asked me how i was doing with things with my parents (they are, um, not so married these days, to put it mildly), and i was all like, "oh, i'd doing alright, i mean it sucks but i'm okay". yeah turns out i'm not. i hate knowing that they are both alone. i hate waking up in my house knowing my dad isn't there. i hate when i have to tell my folks something it means two phone calls. i remember the days when i could tell either mom or dad something and by the next day they but know whatever information i had relayed. i can't stand how calm they seem about everything. i left salem at midnight on friday night to go home, and they whole way i thought about these things. i'm re-reading don millers book "to own a dragon", and it is about growing up without a father. it makes me realize how much i need my dad. i love my mom very much, but i don't feel like i need her. i need my father. we were supposed to have lunch on saturday and i couldn't get ahold of him. i called him three times and each time i felt more and more rejected, as if my father didn't want to see me, or didn't love me, or doesn't think that i'm a man or a good son. turns out he just couldn't hear his phone. haha, sometimes i over react, it was in part due to reading all of don millers feeling about fathers. we did finally talk, but schedules conflicted so we didn't get to see each other until about 10 that night, when we got some food and talked. it was good. it was what i needed. he said he was kind of lonely, and that was hard for me to hear. i can' imagine being married for 25 years and always having someone there for you, then just having it gone. i remember how after i broke up with my last girlfriend i was lonely and missed her. it was the right thing to do and i'm glad i did it, but i missed having "that". we didn't even date for 6 months, but it was hard to be alone after that. 25 years. my gosh. i don't know how you'd recover from that.
so i thought i was doing alright with this, but suppose i'm not. i don't see how anyone can be expected to handle this kind of thing well. it really bothers me, no, it just flat out pisses me off, when i tell people why they're getting divorced, then they tell me how they don't think that it is right, that it isn't okay for my parents to be doing that, and what the bible says about such things. i don't need to hear that. it's the worst thing that someone could say to me, and i've heard this is in some form many times, even from some of my closest friends who i love a great deal, say things like this. sorry to sound so harsh, but divorce is very common and people need to understand that passing judgement isn't helpful (or even okay). i like hearing people say "that sucks" because it does. i remember after telling josiah stumbo his response was "man i'm sorry. that sucks". it was what i needed to hear from a friend. i don't want my folks to slit up, and telling me it's wrong is very hurtful. don't you think that i'm not okay with it to began with? tell me it sucks, that's great, i know the bible (and i'm paraphrasing a ton) says it's good to mourn with those who mourn, cry with those who cry.
this is why i got my last tattoo. it's a bit corny to get a tattoo for such reasons, but even through all of this i know G-d is good, and that he is working even the shittiest of situations to the good of me because i love him, and he is worthy of my praise.

sorry this was so personal. it's been on my mind alot. it helps me to write this stuff out. prayer?

sorry ya'll, another entry about trying to be like jesus

i wonder if will we feel foolish for not showing love to those around us when this is all over. i'm starting to learn that i should love people and accept them no matter what. i don't need to find out if they believe the right things, or live the right way, or do this or act like that or any such thing! when i look at jesus, i don't see a man who is constantly deciding if people are good enough, or have right ideas and live them out, NO! i see a man who shows people love, and embraces them regardless. i'm bad at interact with people i don't know. i need to learn how to do this because jesus did this. i find my self judging people, and afraid of them at the same time. what if i just embraced them for who they are, and if they don't like me, then that isn't my problem, i've done my part, and my part is all i can do. when i look at jesus, i see a man who isn't concerned very much about peoples beliefs, but just hangs with them. he lived correctly, and i think that when people saw him both living correctly and also loving people fully, then the people (these are the same people i often reject) who aren't living right, or have wacky idea's that aren't in line with the bible, want to change and to be like christ because they see that this works. they see jesus being real, and living real because jesus lived the way he was made to live. people want this. i think that every single person deep deep down wants the truth more than they want anything (equalled to wanting to be loved). even the people who spend their who lives screaming the exact opposite of everything i believe, deep down want truth just as much i want truth. it is easy to cover this desire with pride or shame or whatever, but i want truth, we all do. i have a good friend who got really drunk and he told me that "jesus is the truth". even when you are shitfaced, you still want this. jesus is the truth, he embodied it, and i want that. i want so badly to be like him. i hate that i'm not. i hate it so much i'm willing to let go of all the crass in my life that isn't of him. we fail at this, we fuck up and fall, but really, we all of this desire to be in the truth; in the warm embrace of the Fathers love and his right (and righteous)ways. holding onto things that are lies, which we do, i do, gets old real fast when you get close to the truth of Christ. i want to share this with people. i do not want to use words. i'm so damn tired of seeing Christians giving homeless people food and a gospel message (even more so when it is only the message. don't you know that the food is the real message of christ!?! it is. "faith without deeds is dead". faith isn't simply saying the right words, it is loving actions. i want to live like christ, and have people see the gospel through my life, not my words. words are easy. it write them here all the time, and it takes little to no effort at all. but living for something as perfect and holy as christ is hard, but it is my deepest desire. G-d said he'd give me my deepest desire and this is it: to be like jesus. there is nothing else. just love, just truth.

i wish i could just push a button, like some in an old movie that is big and red and has a clear cover over that you have to lift before you can push it so you don't accidentally press it, and i'd push this button and rid my life of everything that isn't of christ. but i can't, and what is worse, i don't always know what is right and what is not. however!, i do know more than i live. what i mean by this is that i know what i should do more that what i do, so i figure if i just do what's right when i know i should, that'll be more than enough for me to work on for now.

summary: love G-d, love people, let go of yourself and do everything you can do to be like christ. you do this by loving G-d, loving people and letting go of yourself.

blessings and peace be with you.

more answers than questions, and not in a good "that all makes sense to me" way.

it is 3 in the morning, this is what is on my mind:

why can't i get a straight answer in this religion? ask 10 different christians one question, and almost everything response, if not all, will be very different. things as basic as salvation people say lots of different things about what is required to be saved. tonight i asked a man about something and he gave me a good answer, one that i would not disagree with, but now i can't stop think about all the contradiction in this "faith" of mine (ours). i hate it. more than anything it causes me to want to leave it altogether. i'm so tired of hearing all these different anwsers. and it isn't like christianity is some beautiful mosaic of truths, we're a fucking mess and we don't know a goddamn thing. everything thinks they have all the answers and know the truth entirely. i want to quit. it depresses me to hear about two churches doing two polar opposite things, but both proclaim that their way is the true way. isn't someone wrong? or is anything anyone labels as "true" gospel truth? no no, i don't believe that. i hate that i feel like i can't trust what anyone says, and i do honestly feel this way. i can't stand it. i try to discern what i believe from scripture alone, but there is so much there, and so many ways to look at things. "when jesus said this, he really meant this", or "this command was only meant for so and so, back when and when". i hate it. these feeling are a bit exaggerated right now because i'm so tired and when i write everything sounds worse than it really is most of the time, but i can't shake this feeling. it makes me want to just get a car and drive around the country and not think about such things.

to yet again quote mewithoutYou,

"If I ask the same questions. Well maybe I repeat myself from time to time, But it's because everyone who answers me is a liar." ,

i wish it was like this: question+anwser=true, however it is more like:
question < answers=???

(another post w/o proof reading, sorry about any mistakes in either spelling, grammar or theology)

the title was longer than the blog itself

fragmented

i ran today for the first time in a long time. my lungs burned, and my legs felt like jello. i was in shorts and short sleeves, and the air temperature wasn't too bad, but then it started raining and my skin felt like it was on fire. it was great. when i got back to my room i did more push-ups than i thought i could and it was great. it feels good to exercise. i should do this more.

then i got off then internet and did my homework .

(that last part has yet to happen, but i'm working on working on it.)

wearing old sweaters isn't too bad.

having one mug works just fine.

holes in my pants is alright.

having no cars is okay.

but i'd kill myself if i didn't have all this music.

so i wonder if this is healthy.

is that healthy?

sweaters

i need to be humble. today G-d told me to humble myself. i did, but not without great reluctance. i do not love what is good. i'll embrace it slowly, but when i know something is right, i hardly every give all i have to follow that. i can see this with G-d teaching me to be simple in the way i conduct my life. i'd rather put clothes i don't need in a box in my closet than to give them away. what if i need that cloth later and it's been give to others (who need it)! i am afraid of not being fashionable. the other day i felt tired of wearing the same pair of pants and same sweater i always wear, so i got a sweater out of my box of things i'd forsaken, and put it on. i went outside and the first person i spoke to that day told me that he liked my sweater, and instantly, i felt affirmed and glad i had undone what i said and i felt cool, and thus validate by a peer. this is a lie. so, i'm back to the old sweater. it isn't about the sweaters. it is about my heart. it is about my needing to have this "look" about me to feel like i have worth. now (and when i say now, i mean mostly now, i slip back into the old self too often) i want to be simple. to be plain. to be able to look unfashionable and not take notice one way or the other. i find myself being prideful about this. i opened my closed today and i thought to myself "self, you don't have many things in that there closet, and that is super-awesome, and thus, you are super-awesome". when a bit of time went by, i felt dumb for my pride. i once felt pride about my possessions and my clothing, now i feel it about the lack-there-of. i need to put a stop to this before it grows and kills me. c.s. lewis said pride is the anti-G-d state of mind because it says "i am better", when we ought say "i am nothing, but i love you G-d".
i'd like to be simple. to have nothing and be totally content because i have G-d! i mean, why the hell would i want a north-face jacket and an ipod when i have Jesus Christ! to put into a possessions metaphor, why would i want a blank cd when i have an ipod filled with the music i like best? the blank cd is worthless and i wouldn't pay it any mind! G-d is like an ipod, hahaha. that just sounds funny to me. G-d is like, um, G-d alone! but i would like to be happy with having nothing, with being dirty, unshaven, poor, without food, tattered clothes, shoes with holes, and a bible. i will never find a girl who will want to marry me. maybe this is okay, but it is still on my mind an awful lot. it'd like to be humble, honest, and loving. i often am prideful, i hide behind certain things, and i'm kind of a jerk. i have heard of this G-d who changes people. i think i'm going to pursue that idea.

(sorry, i didn't proof read this. it's just my unfiltered mind typing things)

something on my mind

"It is like a mustardseed."

"what?!? that doesn't even begin to make sense. lets get us a new god!"

"we can't do that, we've already taken his lastname and make it the name of our religion. we should just act like the parts we don't like aren't there, then things will be okay."

"alright, we'll keep the name "christian", but just not do what he says, because lets face it, no one wants to live the way he tells us we ought live."

and here we find ourselves, amid the most perverted lie of all time, that was based on truth. you have heard it said "the best lie is the one closed to the truth", this is correct. this is what much of christianity is like.

there is hope, read the words of Christ and do them. if you do not, you're like a person who after looking at themselves in a mirror, forgets what he or she looks like a few moments later.

(i might have a memory problem)

don't make love so hard.

this is a life of love, there is no hate in G-d for anything but evil itself. G-d doesn't hate you, and that says alot about who you are. drop all the meaninglessness in your life and take up your cross and follow christ!

if you see me doing otherwise, please please please, call me out on it! i desperately want to live the way of the Christ.

but please, don't go around shouting that you follow christ, then live polar opposite to Him.

joy!

i like to ride my bike on sunny days.