sweaters

i need to be humble. today G-d told me to humble myself. i did, but not without great reluctance. i do not love what is good. i'll embrace it slowly, but when i know something is right, i hardly every give all i have to follow that. i can see this with G-d teaching me to be simple in the way i conduct my life. i'd rather put clothes i don't need in a box in my closet than to give them away. what if i need that cloth later and it's been give to others (who need it)! i am afraid of not being fashionable. the other day i felt tired of wearing the same pair of pants and same sweater i always wear, so i got a sweater out of my box of things i'd forsaken, and put it on. i went outside and the first person i spoke to that day told me that he liked my sweater, and instantly, i felt affirmed and glad i had undone what i said and i felt cool, and thus validate by a peer. this is a lie. so, i'm back to the old sweater. it isn't about the sweaters. it is about my heart. it is about my needing to have this "look" about me to feel like i have worth. now (and when i say now, i mean mostly now, i slip back into the old self too often) i want to be simple. to be plain. to be able to look unfashionable and not take notice one way or the other. i find myself being prideful about this. i opened my closed today and i thought to myself "self, you don't have many things in that there closet, and that is super-awesome, and thus, you are super-awesome". when a bit of time went by, i felt dumb for my pride. i once felt pride about my possessions and my clothing, now i feel it about the lack-there-of. i need to put a stop to this before it grows and kills me. c.s. lewis said pride is the anti-G-d state of mind because it says "i am better", when we ought say "i am nothing, but i love you G-d".
i'd like to be simple. to have nothing and be totally content because i have G-d! i mean, why the hell would i want a north-face jacket and an ipod when i have Jesus Christ! to put into a possessions metaphor, why would i want a blank cd when i have an ipod filled with the music i like best? the blank cd is worthless and i wouldn't pay it any mind! G-d is like an ipod, hahaha. that just sounds funny to me. G-d is like, um, G-d alone! but i would like to be happy with having nothing, with being dirty, unshaven, poor, without food, tattered clothes, shoes with holes, and a bible. i will never find a girl who will want to marry me. maybe this is okay, but it is still on my mind an awful lot. it'd like to be humble, honest, and loving. i often am prideful, i hide behind certain things, and i'm kind of a jerk. i have heard of this G-d who changes people. i think i'm going to pursue that idea.

(sorry, i didn't proof read this. it's just my unfiltered mind typing things)