i know i would die if i could come back new

they talk big about the void, about being nothing, how everything is nothing and nothingness is everyeveryevery-thing. i think they take that too far. but i think we need to become nothing. however! it is not for the sake of being nothing that we become nothing. we become nothing because the something we had was crass. from crass die. to live, we must die. so, we die. we become thing and in doing so, we become part of the only thing real. we let go of our lives, become nothing and become something real.

to paint something worthy, it is good to have a blank sheet of (whatever you paint on), yo.

i'd like to empty my life off all the things that are fake. right now i've very focused on possessions. i'd like to get ride of most all i have. which is talking big and i'm not sure i'll do that, but i'd like to think it'd be a right thing to do. they're only distractions from things that are real. i'd like to put more focus on G-d, people, learning things that i'd like to learn, and things that are beautiful. that's one of my big problems with those anabaptist kids is they don't seem to value beauty much. or maybe they've let go of this world and found true beauty and i'm too afraid to do that, so i'll walk aroud blind until the day my eyes die.

this weekend i got to see some good friends.
jared. we had a pretty rad talk about girls and such, i kinda told him what i think about voting. then i got to see josiah, but it was hard to talk about stuff i'd have liked to have talked to him about because there were tons 'o folks around, it might have been hard or even awkward to bring up such things that i've had on my heart lately with all the people there, and coming and going.
andrew held me when i was hurting most. i can't express how much that meant to me. how much that made me feel loved. how broken i felt (feel i suppose) but he was simply there and that was the best thing that anyone could have done for me at that point in time.
bryn and i had a few good talks via telephones. i miss him more than i miss anyone, except maybe dylan, but even that is pretty close.
i'm glad ian stayed with me over break, i like that kid alot. he's so rad. i hope he doesn't join the army and just stays at bible college, or maybe we'll become nomads like we've talked about.
javier is strange as ever, and i can't wait for him to move back to oregon. he pointed out that a lot of what i say is from songs. he's the first person to very make that observation about me. i think is song a lot, so i also speak in song quite a bit. mostly mwY.

i'm failing greek and i don't think i care. i just feel awkward seeing people from class since i hardly ever go. i don't see a point to going really. i'm never gonna take a language class again, i'm 3 for 3 on failing those.

i wish i had a week to sit and read and pray without work or school or people. i'd get lonely tho.

rejoice. even when it is all shit because G-d is still G-d and he is good. it all feels like shit right now, but i feel peaceful. i still can't believe this is happening, but i have to ask if it really changes anything at all.

so rejoice you vapor! you mist! rejoice!

we must insist your traffic STOP

i was right, i did get depressed. its like, i've believed a lie and now i've come to realized how that lie has robbed me. i hate it! i hate myself for believing it. i, for a brief moment, saw how damning that lie is, and how the beauty of the truth. yet i keep choosing the lie. not aways and not even often, but its still in my life and i can't stand it. i dont understand why i can't just put that lie to death. it pisses me off and makes me unbearably sad. it isn't knowing how bad the lie is that hurts most, its knowing how good the truth is that causes me the most pain. it is hard to believe that G-d is making me better, that he is really taking all unrighteousness out of me. i'd like to think i'm submitting to him, but then there are those moments that i buy into this bullshit lie that just drive me mad. i wish i could sleep, then i wouldn't have to think about such things.

rejoice.

this is about: how much i slept today, me feeling sorry for myself, prayer, what tomorrow will look like, and a song by cursive.

hey all. its late and i know i'm just going to be put much later. i woke up today at 12 then slept from 2 til 5, and i've had 4 cups of coffee. i have no reason to be up late, but i know it'll happen. i'm starting to feel depressed, this often happens when i'm by myself too much, or with other people too much. i'm all about moderation yo! there are times when i feel totally hopeless, which is something i've never felt before. i've always had a great amount of hope n all, but now that
G-d's been showing me a few new things, its kinda hard to deal with that. i starting to see that i'm not good, and that i'm a very sinful person, which is lame for sure, but i also see these same truths present in the church, which has always been a great source of hope for me. its like nothing is very good and nothing ever will be. i know that's a lie, but it feels real. shit yo! then i start feeling lonely and wish i had a girl or something. having a girl is always nice, it don't feel so damn alone. i don't feel like going and reading my bible and trying to draw near to G-d right now. i'm not sure why, once i do that, i always feel better, but i'm lazy and tired and fuck i've got to reason to not be with him. that is hope for ye masses! G-d.

i'd like to commit some prayers to memory, like those of st. fransis or maybe some budist prayers that could apply to what i believe, or some of the prayer psalms that aren't the ones when davids just bitching (like i'm doing now). i like the idea of muttering the same prayer over and over again. after i read the dharma bums for the first time, i was kinda inspired by it, and i'd sit in the shower with the water as hot as it would go and listen to radioheads "amnesica" and mutter this one prayer over and over again. then mewithoutYou wrote a song that totally contridicts that prayer, but thats beside the point. the repitition of that prayer was good for me. i felt good about it. i'm also a fan of "active" prayer, but that kind of passive repitition prayer is rad.

i'm looking forward to tomorrow. i'm getting up at 8 am, riding my bike the Imago Dei (church), then to brian and monicas for that church gethering, then i'm hanging out with amanda after that at some point. G-d is good and i cannot get past that. its hard to live in that light.

um, these are the words to one of my favorite songs. its called "staying alive" and its by "cursive", one of my favorite bands i've ever done hear. i just would like to share these words with you, the reader of my internet blog.

song:

I've decided tonight I'm staying alive
Just kicking and screaming
Blood boiling and streaming
There are things far too dark to comprehend
Sleep on it one more night
My sad old friend

(Doo do Doo do Doo do)

The worst is over

is this thing on?

test. testing. does this thing work? hello? damn...