the moon

okay, here's the deal. i was looking at the moon while i was delivering a pizza yesterday and was awe struck by all the lovely correlations of the moon and me, seeing G-d's ways shown thru nature. here is what i was thinking: the moon gives light to a dark world, but the moon does not make it's own light, it just reflects the light of the sun, when he sun is not physically present. the sun never goes away, the world just turns it's back to the sun, but the moon can show the back-turned world the light even when it's after dusk! and if you look closely enough at the moon you will see imperfections and faults, it's got a messed up surface, and sometimes it'll only show a little bit of light, and ever once in a great while, the moon runs entirely out of out light itself, this is probably caused by fear and doubt, but DO NOT BE AFRAID! i was told this many times, but sometimes i just get so afraid that i hide away from the world and the sun and am alone hoping to find some peace of mind, but i am worthless without the sun's light, it's what i'm for.


this is all pretty obvious and basic, but:
key:
moon - christians/church
sun - Jesus
world- world
light - Jesus' way, love, hope, grace, etc! fruit of spirit and such

third annual coffee and sweater walk

for the past three years, bryn and i put on sweaters, make coffee and walk all night. it started the summer after i had finished high school and we decided to make coffee and walk around in our sweaters, and we just ended up walking all night and watching the sun rise from a hill up in west salem. then the next year, we did it all over again, this time with a thermos so we could have hot coffee for the journey. that was the saddest of the three because it was the night before bryn went away to college and was the last time we were going to see each other for many months. like the year before and the year to follow we talked about everything on our minds, deep stuff, spiritual thoughts and struggles, girls, friends, family, arrested development, middle school. the second annual coffee and sweater walked ended with bryn and i hugging and crying, feeling that we'd never be close again and that our friendship would not be the same. i'm glad to say we were wrong. we don't see each other much during the school year, bryn being in saint paul, but we're still very close. this year on the walk, we went from bryns house across the railroad bridge, bryns first time doing so, to dunkin donuts, back to west salem thru river front park, up eola, to the high school, then back to bryns. this was the first year it was cloudy so we couldn't watch the sun rise, but it was nice to see the clouds get a lighter grey. this year we talked about him getting marriage, which i'm so happy for him, them, it's such a rad thing that G-d has blessed him in that way. it's 13 days from now and he will be a married bryn! we also spoke of most things going on in our lives. he's a very good person to talk to, if you haven't gotten the chance to have a "heart to heart" with him, it's something i'd recommend.

anyhow, it's a rad time and i can't wait for the fourth annual!

don't know what to do with you

i keep thinking about who jesus is. so much of the time i make him into me, or what i think he should be. i mean, come on! jesus is so damn awkward, and none of us know what to do with him really. he says such strange things, i don't know how to react. there are times when i read the bible and i just kinda wish that that part wasn't in there. i wonder how much do i want the truth of christ over my wants. it's stange game of having to very strong and very distinct desires, one being selfish and of the flesh, and the other being christ in me, and that small part of me that is made in G-d's image that wants only good. these guys fight like none other. sometimes i wish it was easy and that jesus was who i made him out to be, but then i know that is no good at all and that desire is as brief as a vapor, jesus being jesus is much better than anything else, and i think if people really looked into who they are meant to be, looking past pride and sin and such and such, we'd all want jesus to be himself. there are days when i don't believe this at all (see d.w.'s "mockingbird").
bryn and i were talking about trying to live simply because we both feel that jesus wants this of us, and we listed a bunch of things we do, and what we have and what is and what isn't okay, and i think we realized that jesus wouldn't have us knit-pick our lives, but if we are living in the spirit of love and humility, or just simply G-d's spirit and it's fruit, we would be just fine, not indulging our selfish desires of worthless and false things, but living in G-d's spirit is very hard. no wonder the jewish leaders of Christ's day had turned the bit of law G-d gave them into hundreds more laws because laws are easier and more tangible than, say, spirit fruit. last night as i was in bed, i was thinking about how it's seems to be a good test of if a person is genuine in their convictions if they have a lot of wealth. i look at people, such as the author of "your best life now", who calm the name of Christ, but use than name to pursue money, mammon, which jesus said you cannot do. anyhow, i was in bed and i just thought about how free we are made from all this madness, this wealth, this chasing after money. it made me very happy to know that i don't have to deal with all that, if i my shoes have holes in them for the rest of my life then that's just fine, i am still loved and that's what matters.

i decided that i really like my .rejoice. tattoo.

i'm tired of hearing about how drinking is the shit. it's really not.

become a fruit

it's just past midnight and i am at my moms house. i went outside to get somethings outta my car because i'm spending the night here, and i was struck by how nice it felt to be outside this late and only in shorts. i wanted to walk around the lake like that, just shorts, no shoes or shirt, and i remembered all the times in the cold months, about a year and a half ago, i'd walk around the lake in my coat smoking, thinking, and listening to music, usually this one bright eyes song that i hardly ever listen to when i'm not walking around the lake, but in all those cold months i remember being depressed. tonight felt different and i'm struck by how it's like the situation has changed, it's warm, i'm not hiding behind all those clothes, and i feel joy. it doesn't have anything to do with some kind of seasonal depression, but rather how i feel close to G-d. i only listened to derek webb today, if you don't know who he is, he's one of my favorite song writers and he's a christian, his stuff is very encouraging and real, the way mewithoutyou feels REAL to me. i reflected on G-d's truth and who he is and who i am in him and prayed and felt at peace. right now, in this place, i love it because with this closeness comes a knowing that i am loved, and that He only wants the best things for me and that if i give up the smallest thing for His kingdom's sake, he knows it and it pleases him greatly. it's hard to express. it's like trying to say how it feels to be in love. but it's more than that, G-d is so much more infinite that a person, so much better. i wish i could always live in this place. last night josiah, jav, bryn and i talked about the fruit of the spirit and we seemed to reach the conclusion (or this is what i felt i learned) that you don't get that fruit in leaves, and they come from the spirit and if we are in the spirit we have them entirely, however the tricky part in submitting to G-d's spirit and staying there. but i feel encouraged because right now i know i have them, i feel them, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness. it's awesome, and i know it's not me. i cannot, by my own power, become good. it is NOT in me. my only hope, and i mean that, my only hope is to submit myself to christ, and let him change me. the one thing i can do is lay myself aside and choose him. i keep thinking "i wish i could always be in the spirit like this", and i can be, it's a very possible option, how i love the darkness and my sin so, like a dog returning to it's own vomit, i'll go back to my old ways. but i can always choose Christ, and as a grow in him, that choice will become easier and a more frequented avenue. i want that so bad right now, and when i don't want it, i want to want it, and that's good. i notice that as i draw near to G-d, my desire to sin goes way down, i just don't want that crass when i have something so much better.

sorry, i don't mean to ramble on about how good i'm doing, but i feel like i've just come out of a very hard season in my life, and now seeing G-d again so clearly, i just want to talk about him and what he's working in me.

sorry about the lame headline, i felt a should put something relevent, altho stupid entirely.

here is a derek webb some i like. enjoy!

just repeat our slogan, "never again".
-bright eyes

i thought this was neat.

oh the lies we love

i'm living in an age that calls darkness light.

it makes me mad. i'm sorry i ever encouraged sin. that's what it all is. darkness is darkness and light is light, no cross over. i'm tired of seeing people who once knew the difference now swear that dark is light, when, dark is dark. i wish it was simpler like it used to be, but it's not and it won't ever be again. i just want to get away from all that dark.

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.
1st John 1:5

i mean, i feel like sometime we scream and swear that our bullshit sin is gospel truth! what is G-d going to say to us when we see him?!? "hey lucas, um, you were kinda off on that one, and lead some of my children astray, but no biggie. you should hang out with joseph smith over there..." no, i really doubt that G-d will take our lies so lightly.

all i can say is that i need jesus to save me and change me and teach me his truth so i can live the way i should, and to forgive me for my shortcomings.

it's good motivation to run from sin tho.

my need

i was struck, still am, today of my need for jesus. i was thinking about how jesus saves. "jesus saves". (it pains me a great deal that this truth, this most profound truth of salvation and hope, has been reduced to a bumper sticker, bs repetition that means nothing but is everything and holds hope for all men is no a damn cliche, satan works in effective ways.) but i keep looking about the things that are wrong in my life, or the things have have gone wrong, and see how jesus could have saved those things from going bad, i.e., my parents divorce, my own sin, how i kind of just fell apart this last semester, the war this country is fighting, just all this brokenness we're surrounded by is fixable. by jesus. he's like chicken noodle soup and sprite, but not, he isn't just a quick fix, he is true healing. i'm struck by how i need him. how we all do. he's what i want more than good friends, money, being a pastor, a wife someday, the new season of the office, more than anything. i'm not afraid to say it either. we need him more than correct theology, more than healthy relationships, good music, lovely art, lovers, friends, air, dirt, water, warmth, mom and dad, a needle in the arm, a bed, a car, a job, a church, food, insulin, human love. it's hard to now say how jesus saves us. i've kind of build him up, and now i'll stumble trying to explain what he in fact does, but he is good. i don't know about y'all, but i am not good, not on my own anyhow. his way, and the ways he teaches us to live, are right. but it's more than just right living, jesus didn't come to just teach us morality, but he offered up the most he absolutely could: himself. we need to understand who he is, fully G-d, totally good and totally loving. i think if i was closer to him, i'd sin less. no, i know this to be true.i know when i'm closer to G-d that i'm nicer, well, better, my desire to sin is smaller, i decrease and i want to see him increased thru me. it's great. it's a feeling i want to chase. i am more and more convents that what christians need most is christ, and to know him. we don't need our theology or head knowledge, we need jesus. we need to know him so we can become him and therefore, embody him to the world. this needs to be done somewhat carefully, because many doing this have made a grave error of abandoning His first love, the church. yes yes, we call know that she is a whore, and that she is corrupt and such and such things, none-the-less, hell, all-the-more, we need to be in the church and be him. i learned something cool at bible college, that the church is G-d's presents here on earth. brothers and sisters, we are the church. we canNOT run from ourselves any longer, it really does pain me to see people, some of the people i love more, saying they hate the church, when, in fact they/we are the church. i know things should be different, the america church bothers me a lot, and i know jesus wouldn't do it the way it's being done, but we gotta sick with it, we can't just go off on our own, mormans did that and they are lame (and kinda creepy, jav showed me a youtube video explaining some of their theology, those poor black people. http://youtube.com/watch?v=n5dscqcNOGM (this, by the way, is not my only information about their religion, interesting tho)). early christian leaders never intended to start a new religion, just fulfill Judaism, and i feel that is what we are to do with christianity today, make it right. not by our own doing, but thru christs. i want to become a pastor. i've been to bible college. and i will continue to go there, but not to please G-d so much as to please man, because what i need most to be the best pastor i can be isn't a degree from multnomah bible college stating that i've passed my classes and therefore have a masters in bible and theology, but rather that i need to become like christ, and i do this by going after him, yes theology and bible college can help, but it really comes down to being like him, because that's all i want to be. or at times, all i want to want to be, i'm not all there yet. jesus saves. any goodness in me is only thru him, because my heart is far from G-d and i am sinful and broken, but jesus heal and changes man into something good.



(no proof reading, sorry, i only write when it's very late indeed and i'm too tired to do anything but pound out my thoughts onto the keys, i hope it's not too bad, and even helpful)

goings on of late

last night i was chill'n with chaz, javier and aaron. we walked around downtown and went to the park where they was a'having the beat festival. i was greatly saddened to learn that when they say "beat", they don't mean like kerouac and burroughs and such, but like crappy latin muic and musical beats (sink to the beat). anyhow, they had fireworks and chaz and i decided to get on the roof of the ike box to watch. andrew/raeanna and billy and elliot also came up. it was real fun watching the explosions in the sky over downtown from a high-ish building. for the grand finish, chaz and i acted like we were making out, except i was trying to kiss his next, but i was laughing so i wasn't doing a very good job and now i'm all worried that chaz thinks i'm a bad kisser. oh well. he moved out of our apartment yesterday and that made me sad because i can't think of anyone (well, any dude anyway) that'd i'd rather live with. javier moved in, which is pretty sweet. we have an odd friendship, but i like him, and his very peculiar ways, a great deal. it's been such an odd summer so far, so different from years past. i guess i'm just growing up and such. it's strange hardly ever seeing my parents, and never together. my brother, dylan, comes home for two weeks in one week. that'll be really nice, i haven't seen him in about 7 months, and i've missed him a lot. he's a great fellow.

um, i cleaned the whole apartment today and i feel very accomplished. i'm trying to read thru the whole new testament in a month, and so far, i'm behind my schedule, but it's like drinking water first thing in the morning, you can just feel it taking effect on your body and i love it. i'm trying to be, how can i say this tactfully, less of an asshole. lately i've felt so irritated by people, such bitter feelings, feeling so wronged over the smallest things, never forgiving, just annoyed i guess. this isn't christlike, and therefore, i want none of this. i watched an interview with aaron weiss (which is at the bottom) that really challenged me to forgive all things, no matter what, and i've felt much more at peace about things, about people, since then. i went a long time without really challenging myself to be better, more like my greatest love, and i just eroded real fast, which just helps reassure my desperate need for a saviour, for someone other than myself to forgive and change me. so, i'm trying to submit myself to G-d's will and not think about my own wants or desire or fucking rights, but what he wants, and whats better for the good of the kingdom. me being an asshole is doing no good for G-ds kingdom, i don't think. for such a long time i've thought how myself, and whats in my best interest and such and such, when what i should be asking myself is thing: "what is best for G-d, and his kingdom", the whole love G-d and love others deal.

rejoice!





(lucas is the anti-proof-reader)