i woke up

i had this real cool moment this past week of, i don't know what you'd call it, spiritual awakening or something, when i was driving in my car (pizza's to houses and such) and feeling sad (as been the case for a number of months), but, despite what i felt like, i put on a band that has always been a encouragement to me. i spun that record like a wheel and i had this inexpressible feeling of joy - weird, i know. but i began to praise G-d and couldn't help but smile. i feel as tho i've been sick in a spiritual sense these past, i don't know, 6 months perhaps, for a number of reasons, and not dead, just not well or fully able or healthy, lagging. but that joy is stil burned to intensely into my being that i can't help but know it is there. i am a bit embarrassed to share this, but i get real down about the state of christianity,the meaning of life, my family, and things with friends, and i dwell on these things and just feel darker and darker. it's always been much easier for me to love darkness than light. i can't think of a time i've felt more joyful and hopeful in my life, and it was all with out rational thought, no theology or philosophy, just G-d and his light. i wrote in my journal about this and about my selfish sufferings and i told G-d that he is enough. i wonder if i'll continue to believe that, the way i do now. i remember last fall and early winter telling Him with absolute honesty that i'd do anything he'd ask of me - then i got depressed and turned my thoughts to ME (the great fool and what a foolish thing to do). i'm not sure i'd say that right now, but i'm not far from that place, and i want to want that, and i feel G-d and joy and hope and etc! i feel at peace in a large way. i've come to realized that intellectual understanding, while it has it's place, is nothing compared to the sheer love of G-d. i want love to be enough. i don't think people come to G-d, or come to be good, out of knowledge (tho i do not believe this prevents this, or has to), but out of love. love is very thing, the fathers, the prophets, the upright kings, the forerunner, the Christ, the spirit, the apostles, the church all cry love, and love is enough. i have to learn to stop relying on my learning, but rather on G-ds love.

G-d is good and he should be praised.

(no proof reading was done, sorry yo!)