i don't know if you noticed it or not, but it smells like summer time outside. i love summer nights the best, next to fall afternoons while smoking.

"...the mouse is regarded to be the third most successful mammalian species living on Earth today, after humans and the rat."

i have all three living in my house. the mouse doesn't like the rat. the cat is indifferent.

religious

this is my last week of school for the year, it's "finals" week. i'm glad to be done. i still don't know what to do about next year. (about the devil town.). right now i'm just sitting in my room, which is almost entirely empty, listening to some music, not sure what to do with the moment. i kinda want to go downtown, but everything would be closed, and i don't want to watch anything, i might just read. i should study. but that's lame. i've just about finished "siddhartha", and it's a good read. it makes me thing about spiritual things, "truths", if you will. at work this weekend, i got into two brief, but interesting conversations about religion. sometimes i feel so lost in all of this. i am a christian, i believe in christ and the bible and all those lovely things, but i also feel do distant from christianity as a religion. maybe because i don't go to church on sundays, but i doubt it's that. being a bible college has, in some ways (and due to my reaction to it), caused me to feel far from things i once embraced. i can't stand most things "christian" anymore. i hate modern christian culture (if you haven't, watch that interview with david bazan a few posts back). i read a lot of non-christian books, and i think this is a good thing for me as a person, but as a main-stream-modern-america-christian, it might be quite un-good (perhaps even double plus). so i don't know. i don't feel like i've got any profound answers about things, but i can't say i like this religious vibe i've been getting from christianity. i can say that i'm far from being "religious" myself. i am spiritual for sure, but i can't say i'm as close to
G-d as i'd like to be.

i don't know what to do with all my socks that have holes in them either, maybe i'll just ignore that problem.

I was living in a devil town.
I didn't know it was a devil town.
Oh lord, it really brings me down about the devil town.

holy fish

last night i was in bed reading kerouac's big sur and he ate a fish without really thinking about it and then realized that just a few moments ago (it had been caught out of a stream by a friend) that it was free and happy and swimming thru the water and he felt horrible for eating the holy fish and he remembered his cat that had died a few weeks ago and how he had forgotten his ways of being at peace with all things. i felt bad for eating chicken strips earlier that night and i don't want to eat (or kill) any living creature any more. today at lunch i got a burger without even thinking about it, but remembered when i sat down how great the evil i was about to commit was, so i just had some other food. this feeling won't last i'm sure, it's too hard to not eat meat and i'm too picky a eater to eat veggies and such, but it's an interesting feeling while it lasts.

no matter what, i am not okay with veal.

07-08

i'm in this place right now where i could stay at multnomah, or go back to salem for the next year. i'm really not sure which i'd rather do. i think i'd like to do both. i prayed about it, and i felt G-d was telling me that it would be okay to do either. i'd like to be closer to my folks, i hate that they're both alone. i'd also like to study english in a way multnomah can not teach me, so chemeketa might be good for that. i like multnomah a lot. expensive tho! i know i want to go here, even if is not next year. it's been a hard year, being home might be nice. summer will tell.

dave bazan interview - watch both, all the way

this really isn't worth reading

i meant to go to bed earlier today. i discovered the great joy (tho not as great as un-altered sleep in-itself) of waking up early after going to bed at a reasonable hour. it's not two am and i haven't even started my reading (of kerouac, what else?). i've gotta wake up at 8:30-ish to go with friend to get a geeetar, not sure why. it will be neat tho. today i got very frustrated at a person that gets on my nerves quite a lot, and while i hardly ever see said person, said person makes me want to commit murder (and i am a pacifist!). i hate that i hate. i wish i would be happy and nice and just up-lifting all the time, but i am such an asshole so much of the time. it bothers me. i need to stop just letting things bother me and let that botheredness change my patters of living (or something)(i don't like this song, i dont wanna fuck the cops -bss). there isn't a whole lot to say. i'll be starting my summer job in salem soon, i hope (and yes pray) that my car will not break down, because my car is the bread winner, i'm just the driver. i wanna go to frisco in an rv with my friends and i hope that happens. when i read too much kerouac, which i do, my writing turns into just thoughts, thoughts, and i put to effort into editing them, and i like it and all, but i can't do it like said author can - just going with it being beautiful all the time, mostly it's just going with mine. it's like calling and saying one's own thoughts but imitating someone else's voice when i really need to sleep and read other authors. but i need jesus most!